A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hey guys,I have a question about one of my girlfriend's male friends. For the sake of anonymity, let's call the guy "Tim".The day after my would-be girlfriend broke up with her ex, she spent the day hanging out with one of her long time male friends (who is a friend of mine) and a guy she just met that day, who I'm calling "Tim". Our mutual friend invited me and some other guys out for a meal, where I met Tim and my would-be girlfriend for the first time. I didn't make a move on my future gf that night because I thought she and Tim were dating. Not knowing either of them, I wasn't aware they had only met hours beforehand but drew my own conclusions based on how flirtatious they appeared to be with each other(no kissing or holding hands, but very chatty and constantly running off to get drinks together). Anyway, after adding my gf to Facebook for the first time I saw she was, in fact, single. We chatted online a bit, made a date, and started seeing each other regularly. When she wasn't hanging out with me, I knew for a fact that she was hanging out with Tim. That didn't bother me because she openly discussed him, so I felt comfortable in thinking that he was nothing more than a friend.Flash forward three weeks and my gf and I are doing very well. However, I had to leave the country for work and explained to her that I would be away for two weeks. While chatting about what I plan on doing for two weeks, my gf casually suggested that I should use a condom if I plan to "see" anyone while I'm away (many old friends and exes live in the area I was meant to visit). This set off a few red flags in my mind, but I chose to ignore it.When I returned, my gf seemed especially interested in me (she later explained she didn't expect to miss me as much as she did, and decided that I meant more to her than she thought). We began to hang out much more often than before, and all seemed well in the world.Flash forward a couple of months and we make it "Facebook official". My gf was a little reluctant to put her relationship status on Facebook (odd because she did display she was single when I met her), but she eventually did and it was officially on display to everyone on her friends list, including Tim. The very next morning, my gf and I were sat on the couch and she was texting at a rate of knots for the better part of an hour. I asked her who she was texting purely out of curiosity, and she replied it was Tim. Perhaps I'm being a bit paranoid, but I wondered if Tim was questioning her about her new relationship status.I became increasingly weary of Tim and how my gf interacted with him. From the corner of my eye, I'd see her perusing photos of Tim on Facebook on a nightly basis. She would pay particular attention to photos in which he was shirtless. Occasionally, she'd stare at one photo for what feels like two or three minutes. I even found one of those photos saved on our laptop in my documents. It was later deleted, but it was there for quite some time.She also occasionally writes messages to him. I would, unfortunately, catch a glimpse of some these messages, which would be a collection of flirtatious jokes. But up to that point there wasn't any innuendo that I could see.Now this is where I'll admit I made a massive mistake. One evening while my gf was asleep, I decided to read some of the texts Tim sent her. The latest ones were platonic, and upon reading them I felt like an idiot for thinking I'd find something incriminating. But as I scrolled further down I saw texts that made my face go white. Around the dates that I left the country for two weeks, Tim sent texts such as "Hey gorgeous, can't wait to get rid of all the hornyness this saturday xxx" and "judging from our texts, i think the next time we meet will be an uncontrollable fuckfest ;) xxx". I was livid, and confronted my gf about it. I asked her she had slept with Tim, to which asked "What does it matter?", and told me that she was only interested in me. Fair enough, but she never actually denied sleeping with him. And I decided not to mention that I had read her text messages, which was my proof.Now, I could put all that behind me and chalk it up to my gf and I not necessarily being exclusive at that point. But what bothers me now is that she continues to keep in regular contact with him despite not seeing him that often. I know this because my gf and I spend almost all our free time together.I still find her gazing at photos of him for ages, and she even deletes her web history when she thinks I can't see. Not long ago, the two of them met up to go rock climbing as they used to do. The night beforehand, my gf strangely decided to shave her legs and her pubic hair. She told me she was doing this for me, but I don't recall her ever shaving herself like that for me if it wasn't a special occasion. That night she claimed it was because she wanted to have sex and wanted to look good for me. We did have sex, but it found it all very uncharacteristic.Not long before leaving to meet up with Tim, my gf was suddenly scrambling to find her tooth whitening kit. She hardly ever uses the thing because she can't be bothered. But all of sudden this night she desperately needed her teeth looking as white as possible. This is effort she normally reserves for going out with me.She was out for about two hours, which is more than reasonable. But I was still suspicious of her sudden attention to making herself look good (as a side note, this took place about two weeks ago and she hasn't shaved herself in any way since that night).Problems arose again recently when I saw a message she was stealthily typing to Tim. She had apparently invited him to go rock climbing with her and one of her girlfriends several days ago (I was told about climbing with her girlfriend, but she didn't mention Tim going). Tim was writing to cancel because he injured himself whilst training. He complained that his muscles were very sore, to which my gf replied "you should get someone to give you a massage ;)". I'm not sure who she meant should give the massage, but I can only assume she was being flirtatious and suggesting she should do it.This is all the information I have about their interaction with each other. I have to say, I don't make any complaints about her talking to any of her other guy friend because she has known many of them since childhood. Tim's the only one that bothers me because they aren't long time friends. He's just a guy she met while she was single, and both were/are sexually attracted to each other. Despite all this, my gf maintains that the two are "just friends" and nothing more.Am I being completely paranoid or is my concern justified? Is it fair that I'm jealous? More importantly, how do I explain to my gf that I don't like her hanging out with this guy?Thanks in advance,Confused
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broke up, condom, facebook, flirt, her ex, horny, jealous, kissing, move on, muscle, pubic hair, text Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 August 2011): Sorry but you deserve better. You should move on. There's too many things going on for you not to worry and life's too short for that. Good luck!
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2011): You're not crazy, and you're totally reasonable asking her to be exclusive with you. Let her know you know about Tim without saying it. Just say, "it doesn't take a genius to see there's something between you two." And then tell her to make a decision, or you're done.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2011):
NOM, your current gf is not serious about your relationship and it makes no sense in you being serious about it.
Its a warning, please do not intend to buy a house together, that will not solve ur problems. Clearly she doesn't seem ready to take the relation between you two to the next level as of now.
IMO, you won't be able to confront her until u sleep with that another girl u found on fb.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2011): You said it yourself ... how can you possibly confront her? What's sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander.
Stop playing silly games. You can't judge your girlfriend by one set of rules and yourself by another.
Sounds to me like neither of you are ready to have an adult relationship.
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A
male
reader, Capri2  +, writes (11 March 2011):
I don't think you are being paranoid now, maybe you were at the beginning but you have found some solid arguments to sustain your doubts.
Technically you can't be jealous because you were not exclusive when she apparently had sex with Tim. But I would be jealous like hell if I were you. I know I could even break up over such incident. But that's me and I wouldn't recommend being me. :)
You have a big problem because the best argument for asking her to stop seeing this guy would be telling her you "know" she had sex with him. But you can't tell her you read his phone. And without this argument you wont be able to stop seeing that guy.
You will have to decide whether it's worth to expose yourself by telling you read her messages. I reckon she will be pissed off and will use that for not discussing whether she's going to see Tim again or not.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2011): It's beyond obvious that she's cheating on you, and she has lied about it and continues to lie. She's shown you that she's selfish, dishonest, and has no respect for you. If you expect her to change you will probably be disappointed.
Just be glad you found out about this before you made a big commitment like buying a house or getting married. There's millions of attractive girls out there who are also honest. The sooner you dump this piece of trash the sooner you can find one of them and start a REAL relationship.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the great replies. The problem I'm having in confronting her about Tim is really that I'm just terrible with arguments.
When I asked her about this new message in which she subtly suggests to Tim that she should give him a massage, she became incredibly defensive and said I'm "always" asking her who she's messaging or texting.
I have done that, but on perhaps three occasions at the most. But the answer to that query was always "Tim".
Anyway, my original investigation was completely shot down by one little nugget of information that my gf has against me. And that is that I was messaging a girl I know on Facebook, and we were discussing the possibility of having sex.
However, I hasten to add that I only discussed this because my gf said she would be open to the idea of a threesome so long as I was the one to find the other girl. That's all I was doing, but my gf wasn't too pleased. I can't argue with that, but at the same time I didn't feel like that was so wrong.
OK, I could have handled the situation in a far classier manner than I did, but my gf still essentially greenlighted me to do exactly that. And my gf didn't "catch" me doing that, I handed her my laptop while I was out of the room with the conversation open on the screen. I could only do that if I didn't have a guilty conscience about what I was doing.
Is this wrong? I don't feel it is, but my gf believes that to be an argument against me questioning her relationship with Tim.
When she brought that up, I really didn't know what to say. How does one differentiate between what I did and what she's doing? The only conclusion I can come to is that I have never slept with the girl in question (despite previous advances from her) and I'm not in regular contact with her at all.
How could I possibly confront her when she has that against me?
- Confused
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2011): Confused, I'm no psychic...but given her flirting, what you just said about her personality, and given your ambivalence about her, I WOULD NOT buy a house with this woman. Expense-wise, buying a house is a bigger commitment than marriage.
Also, I think you should be honest with yourself. You don't trust her. I can tell that: You are too eager to overlook your own instincts and a lot of red flags. You forgive her for flirting, forgive her for essentially "cheating", and you forgive her personality flaws (which you should within reason). Buying a house won't erase your very reasonable suspicions.
You are starting to remind me of those woman who upon having marital problems, decide to get pregnant. They think a baby will fix the problem. A piece of property won't fix this problem, it will compound it!
I try not to cynical about these things, but please don't be a sucker. You are admittedly ignoring your own instincts. It would be worse to come back to this site in a couple months after your find out definitively that she's been cheating and you both have your names on a piece of property.
8 months is not a longtime. Some people don't even get over their exs in 8 months. If I were you, I would really hold off on cementing the relationship with a home. If you want to buy a home, buy one for yourself. If you feel like sharing that space with her, go ahead.
My advice it is to be honest with her about YOUR feelings. Tell her that her secretive relationship with Tim makes you trust her less. Tell her you have doubts about commiting to her because of it. If this means she blows up in your face and dumps you, so be it.
In my opinion, a seperation might be a good thing for the both of you. She might learn to appreciate you more and consider your feelings. And you might get some space to reflect on this. As it is, she's so close that I doubt you have a really good perspective on the issue. That's why you keep forgiving and overlooking. Do you know what I mean?
Don't ignore your instincts on this.
Good luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi mishmash,It's Confused here. Thanks for your reply. A lot of what you say makes sense, but maybe I should mention that my gf and I have been dating for almost 8 months and we're living together. We're also thinking about buying a house (her idea) so I'm not entirely sure she's questioning her commitment (but maybe I'm wrong there).But your suggestion that it boosts her ego does strike a chord. She's very much the type of person who likes to paint herself in the best light. She's particularly fond of telling stories of how she's belittled an authority figure at work, or someone who criticised her in some way. She likes to brand herself as being extremely tough, although she's physically and somewhat emotionally fragile. She also has a tendency to drag simple arguments on and on and refuses to back down even when she's proven wrong.What does this say to you?
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2011): Confused,
It just sounds like she's in rebound mode.
How do I know?
She's grasping at whoever she meets right after a break up. And from the very beginning she was ambivalent about commitment from you or from herself. I am guessing you had to ask her to make your facebook and dating status official? She was reluctant about commiting. Why?
She probably wasn't interested in commiting because she still stung from ending a "serious" relationship. It's not so much Tim, but the competition between you two that she's likes. With two men after her and all the drama that competition creates, she feels constantly desired. Consequently she doesn't have to think about the rejection from her previous relationship. To have one guy flirting and another jealous about is probably a huge ego boost to her. It's also a source of endless drama to be distracted with. From the way you describe her, I don't think she's ready to be in a relationship quite yet.
I think you are right to be concerned. I also think you've given her the benefit of the doubt too many times.
All that said, I would not try to tell her that her relationship with Tim is unacceptable to you. I would say something along the lines of, "Look...it's obvious you have feelings for Tim...I don't think I can date you seriously if you feel that way for someone else" Whatever you do, don't be noticably jealous. Make it about your feelings, not about hers.
I think you need formally leave her for your own sanity. Don't do be pulled into a casual arrangement either. At this point she probably is so absorbed in both of your attentions, she isn't even thinking about your feelings. She might be avoiding them (and perhaps she still sees Tim in private), but she doesn't empathize with them and she doesn't care. She probably doesn't even care about Tim's. She's just not ready to be taking anyone seriously.
I suspect if she has Tim all to herself, she'll get bored. Without someone else being jealous, there's no drama and tension to keep her distracted. If you give her a couple months to address her own problems and really get over her ex, you might stand a better chance with her (if you feel like giving her another chance).
Good luck.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2011): Dude,always trust your instincts,its usually right.If you feel this is suspicious,like something is going on,there probably is.From my point of view reading,its sounds like shes playing you.Dont stand for this,be a man,& stand your ground,let her know what you are all about.You have a few options,either you tell her stay away from Tim or its over between you two, or you could get your own 'friend' & play her at her own game,or you could jump ship now already & leave her.
I hope you make the right choice
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2011): I can understand why you're confused. This young lady, it seems to me, is definitely guilty of doing some serious flirting with "Tim".When you were out of the country, she let you know pretty clearly that she did not intend to be monogamous, by giving you "permission" to do the same, by suggesting you use a condom if you planned to have sex with someone while you were away. Equally, this may have been her asking a very obtuse question of you, i.e., do you intend to be having sex while you're gone?Her intense interest in "Tim" is uncharacteristic of a friendship, I would say. Certainly, your snooping only confirmed your worst fears. (Snooping rarely results in anything good ...)I think your girlfriend is stringing this guy along, doing some heavy duty flirting, which is not acceptable if the two of your are now "Facebook Official" (have I missed a thousand years, because right now I feel positively ancient?) Since when do people have to broadcast the status of their relationship on a social networking site? Oh, I'm getting old!Anyway, Confused, the only way you'll get any peace is to ask your girlfriend what she's up to. Let her know how you feel. I don't think she's really ready to commit to a monogamous relationship with anyone. If she's not willing to, at least, cool down the correspondence and drooling over photos of this guy, what will you do? Are you ready to tell her to take a hike?Good luck.
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