A
female
age
51-59,
*AGirl
writes:I have been in a long distance relationship (LDR) for about 19 months now. Things were so good in the beginning and he quickly swept me off my feet. He did what he could to relocate here, but his life was pulled out from under him. Since then, it seems to me, that he’s slowly changing/pulling away. I have never been a good communicator. I normally go from “ignore it and see if it works out” to “hey, this is bothering me…can we talk”. I have tried both and have not gotten far. Or if I do get somewhere, there’s another trigger that distances him again. He has many stress triggers. In Feb 08 he decided to move here. And since he has custody of 2 kids, he talked to the Xwife. Eventually she decided it was ok and signed a promise note that was drafted by his lawyer. He planned on moving here Apr 7 2008 but then the night before, his XWife decided to fight him for custody. So, literally in a span of 5 minutes he learned that he has no job, has to move in with his mom/step dad, and a custody battle. Then, in Jun 08, he started to act really distant and he asked that I give him some patience. But then in Oct, after hurricane Ike, he became even more withdrawn. And then I did the ultimate no-no…and I pressured him to talk to me. I was certain that if he talked to me, then I could help him could fix. But that just caused him to withdraw further. And then his phone broke and did not contact me for 10 days. When he did contact me, we discussed a few things and agreed to talk once/day. And if he is not able to reach out then he would email or YIM me. He then came to protect his ½ sister. She is in the middle of her parents fighting. His step mom is overly dramatic and his father was abusive to him growing up. And because of that, he distanced himself from his sister so he wouldn’t have to communicate with her parents. But when his stepmom contacted his mom, that situation just became a mess. So bottom line with that situation is that it’s still ongoing (after 8 months).Recently, his XGF (also overly dramatic) contacted him. Apparently she’s been having seizures and may need surgery. She would like him to take care of her daughter should something happen to her. Apparently, her family are druggies. He’s since been on/off - - hot/cold - - with this LDR for awhile now. We are planning a 9-day vacation (starting this Friday). Since he’s cold more than hot lately, I mentioned that I have been feeling a vibe lately (that word has worked in the past, and it is how he opens up communication with me). He admitted being stressed about our vacation. He said that his car needs maintenance and he was not sure he’d be comfortable driving 800 miles which I understood. I offered to reschedule and/or help him think of alternatives. So then he texted me that night and made plans to play a video game with me. Well it wasn’t really “planned” it was more “spontaneous”. I was delighted and said yes. It was a while since he posed spending time with me. He asked for about 10 mins. He never showed up. I called and he didn’t answer, nor did he return my call.I’m still waiting. This is common for him - - to not return contact and it’s normally stress-related. He has admitted being in depression from all his stress. I guess my questions (and sorry it’s taken me sometime to get to it) are do you think I’m over-reacting? Yes, I know there needs to be communication. In his delicate stage, do you have recommendations on how to make this bid with him? Should I reach out to him again today, or should I wait for him to call me back? Good grief we’ve been together for sometime now and I have not had to deal with a guy in depression before. So I hope you can offer compassion for him but non-biased insight to the situation. I’m at a loss how to feel or think anymore.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Denizen  +, writes (11 June 2009):
 Tell him that when he is ready to have a normal relationship with you to get in touch. In the meantime you will carry on with your life - and you should do just that. If he ever does feel able to start a normal relationship, person to person not email or games, then you can decide what you want to do.
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