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female
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*ittyblue
writes: I have a problem. My 22 year old only daughter, from my previous marriage, "Jane", who is a senior in college, has fallen in love and become engaged to a 31 year old carpenter, "Don", who has 3 young children by 2 different mothers. Jane and Don have moved in together, with plans to marry in about a year (they have been together for about 7 months now). Years ago Don fought for and received custody of 2 of the children, a boy 10 and a girl 12, and he is planning to fight for custody of the 3rd, a 3-year old girl. The 2 older children are an absolute delight- a credit to Don's single-dad parenting. The mother of the older children is not present in their lives at all, and the mother of the 3 year old neglects the girl terribly, which is why he is mounting a fight for custody of her.My daughter loves children and is majoring in child psychology. The children adore her, and she loves them too. She is very happy in this situation, Don is very loving toward her, and though it was difficult for me to handle at first and I voiced my concerns for Jane very clearly, I don't see any choice but to accept it because ultimately if she is happy, I am happy, and she is not going to change anything unless and until she wants to, not because I want her to!Here's the problem: My live-in partner of 7 years, "James", an otherwise good guy in most ways, is vehemently against my daughter's relationship and does not want to have anything to do with the children. They are not allowed to set foot on our property. (We live in a large home with acreage that belongs to James- about 1 1/2 hours from Jane and Don). James believes that accepting the children and having a relationship with them is not in their best interest since the relationship between Jane and Don could end and then the children would be emotionally harmed. He will not accept them unless and until Jane and Don marry, and even then, only reluctantly. (When I told him that his position is hypocritical because he won't marry me- he said it is different when there are young children involved).This coming Thanksgiving, Jane has invited James and I to their apartment for a sumptuous meal, along with Jane's grandmother on her father's side, and Don's mother and sister. Both Jane and Don love to cook and are excited to have their first Thanksgiving together in their home. I of course want to go, but James refuses to go and says he will instead "volunteer in a soup kitchen." I feel sad that my mate refuses to go with me for Thanksgiving. God knows what we will do about Christmas!His position is causing damage to his relationship with Jane, which was formerly very good. It also makes it extremely awkward when Jane comes to visit me with the kids and I have to meet them anywhere else but at my home. This is getting very old. I have tried talking to James, arguing, and going to a counselor and nothing has worked. James said he would do whatever the counselor said, but the counselor would not voice an opinion. What do you think of all this? I feel caught between a rock and a hard place!
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female
reader, kittyblue +, writes (1 November 2006):
kittyblue is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks much for responding so quickly. I think you are right about going to the dinner without him, and also that I will likely leave him alone for Christmas also. Perhaps he will get tired of being 'alone and "right".' I do love James and am generally quite happy with him, but he has some very deep issues, and, at 66 years old, I think you are also right that he is not going to change. I am not prepared to leave him as I have been in a car accident recently and am in lots of therapies to try to recover from my injuries. I will just continue to see my daughter and her new family without him, and perhaps he will mellow over time. It is his loss, really. I have gained wonderful new children in my life that are hungry for attention and I am ready to give it to them. He can just be bored and lonely at home. I am going to see my counselor tomorrow to see if he might consider being more direct with James about his issues. Thanks again!!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2006): I say go to the dinner without him. This is your family he is isolating you from and that is not acceptable.Leave him at home for all holidays for that matter since he feels so strongly about your daughter's relationship. The fact that he won't let you have visitors in your own home also speaks volumes about this man. You can't let this go on. You have to put your foot down.
I recommend that you find a different counselor. One that is willing to go that extra mile to get to the root of this problem, but don't expect too much. I don't think your partner will change eventhough he said he would.He is pretty set in his ways and you will have to make a decision.
Him or your daughter.
-J
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2006): i think ur daughter has a very good head on her shoulder. so what if she has an older man with children. their great children right? every child deserves be raised by 2 loving parents, even though their not her children. but really whats the problem, ur live in partner of 7 years came into a relationship with u and ur daughter. same thing only ur daughter is going to have 3 young children to care for. ur man is being selfish. and i really dont think ur daughter is going to give up what could be the potentailly the greatest thing that has happened to ease ur mans mind. there is nothing u can do. its like he thinks the relationship is going to fail and it scares him for some reason, but it doesnt mean u cant try it, otherwise u will never know. im really glad that u have accepted the relationship over time, a mother daughter relationship is very important to have. more important than what ur man thinks. this is coming from a 23 year old daughter who loves her mom dearly.
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