A
female
age
22-25,
anonymous
writes:well how do i start this. well im a girl and in this one chat room thing my friend(dont know her in real life) i had pretended i'm a boy and her friends and her think im a boy.(i decided to play a male role just because i wanted to see how it was to be a man in a chat) well anyhow this girl which lets just say her name is X.(i dont want to use her real name) well anyhow i decided to go out with her and since im a girl i dont really care much about her in that way. but apprently shes been through a lot and seems to think she does not have much to live for which she thinks her friends arent that good or trustworthy or something. so i decided to go out with her on the chat room(it does sound stupid, which i thought it was but i thought if i could make her be happy it might make her life better and it was probly best to use another way to make her better but obviously her friends used the same way on her chat thing but it didnt really work out very well so i thought if i was her bf on her chat thing she would feel much more better knowin someone really loves her in that manner)well so i didnt really love her in that way but i still went out to make her feel better about herself.i should of done it as a friend but she liked me a lot and since she didn't know i was a girl she wanted to be with me so i didn't want to break her heart which anyhow im really bad at. so i said yes and we went out together (online) and that stuff. it did make her very happy like she used to cut herself but then when she was with me she really tried hard not to and she didnt for like 5 months. until i was talkin to one of her friends which lets say her name is Y. so i was talkin to Y and she said how she said how X really hates her dad. so then i asked why but then she wouldnt say.now im the type of person that likes to know everything so when she said she wouldnt say i wanted to know really badly. so i kept asking her why but she wouldnt say (now that i look back i regret bothering her about it)so i told her how i didnt really love X that much thinking if i told her she might give me a piece of infomation about X's dad.(i sooo regret telling i didnt really love X i mean i guess i was tired and wasnt thinking correctly that day anyhow. now that i look back i was like half awake and i guess i wasnt really caring that much at the moment.. i also was thinking she wasn't going to say anything, since we were like close friends at the moment) so i told her and even though she didnt say anything else about X's dad she just said ok and she would keep it secret and i said i was never gonna ask her about X's dad again. then the next day she said that i need to break up with X. i said no that right now shes having a hard time and i will keep this act up because i knew i could and i just wanted to help someone with what i knew how to. sara was just kinda quiet after that and i think now that i look back she was probably a little mad at me. which in a way i understand the next day came and she told X everything about how i didnt really love her. i wanted to get mad at Y but i knew Y in the long run did the right thing i still wanted to get mad at her. so i did and said stuff like "wow i told you a secret and you cant even keep it? " and more stuff but i cant remember. so we got in a fight and me and X broke up honestlyi didnt really care too much but it did surprised me. well of corse all of X's friends were going to hate me, which it did suck how they cussed at me and i got mad because i wanted to cuss back because i knew in real life they were a bunch of losers cussing at me and knew a lot more about life then they did.(i could tell by how there jokes were bad and how they would treat girls)i wanted to cuss back but i knew in a way i deserved it.well anyhow X forgave me but then today i asked Y whats her dads name because she was like talkin about him a little so i thought she wanted to say a little about him to get her i dont know like relieved a little. but then her boyfriend(which i think hes horrible big time and i know that Y only told her boyfriend about her dad) told me to be quiet and leave. Then Y started saying how i was annoying and how all i do is play with girls hearts and then break them and how no one wants me to be on here and how i cause a whole lot of drama. my response was that boys my age(even though im not a boy this is just from knowing boys by how they act) dont know how to act with girls and break there hearts and how im not the only one who makes drama and other stuff. then she left and me and her boyfriend got in a cussing fight which in the end he said i dont want to be here cause your here. then he left but it did make me feel bad what he said cause it made me feel like maybe i really am annoying and bothersome to be with but i just wasnt sure. now i dont know what to do and im just thinking how everyones going to hate me everytime i go on the chat which is probably true so any advice and i know i shouldnt have even go out with this girl when i didnt really love her but at the moment i wasnt thinking and once i went out with her i didnt want to break her heart so i felt stuck being with her until i said the truth and that just made everyone hate me which i knew would happened if i broke up with her. I know i shouldnt have done this believe my i regret it so much so please dont say im a bad person because im really a nice person in real life and i just made a mistake that im payin for nownow im 13 and so are most of these kids in this chat. im in AP and could get into honors but since i also do a whole lot of basketball training and i do karate i decided to do AP just because i have less stress. which i cant sleep when i have stress so it was also so i could sleep better. now excuse me for my typos - its nice to not have to go over your story or when the teacher makes you rewrite the whole story because you missed something so ya forgive me for my unorganzued writing and typos i really also dont have time to go over them so yathank you :P
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 September 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell personally I believe I have already solved the problem. I mean even though they all say they forgive me for what I have done, I still don't go on. And I already know what caused the problem for how I was pretending to be this person, and the reason why. The effect was something I wasn't thinking it would happened.
Still, I don't have this problem anymore. So I don't think I need to tell my parents about this if I already learn from my mistake and have become wiser with this.
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (19 September 2012):
 There are secrets you keep because there's something so private that you just don't want to share.
Then there are secrets you keep because you've done something foolish or dangerous or mean.
Part of growing up is developing good judgment. Trust me, lots of people hit official adult status without being remotely emotionally mature, and there are lots of younger people who are wise beyond their years. You seem to be more of a typical teenager, who is someone coming face-to-face with adult dilemmas. You were in over your head, and you were pretending to be something you were not, and there were people who had major personal problems involved.
You mother may be overreacting because she's a drama queen. Or she may be overreacting because unnecessary risks are being taken by someone who hasn't reached the stage of being able to think things all the way through.
Your parents have a job, which is to take care of you. It's one of the most important jobs on the planet. Your job is to mature, grow up and be the best person you can be. Help them help you through some of the big bumps in life.
Parents were teenagers once themselves, you know. Most people can remember what it was like to be a teenager. One of the things I discovered later was that my mother knew a lot more about what was going on in my life than I thought I had divulged to her. It would have saved me a lot of heartache had I taken her into my confidence on these things.
Try to imagine that you were older, and had a daughter. Imagine this daughter getting herself into a similar difficulty. How would you want her to handle it?
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 September 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionoh and i have this problem where my mom loves me too much so she over reacts about little things
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 September 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell maybe your right, but my mom keeps secrets that she tells me nor my dad. My dad also does the same thing too. True it could help me, but this is something that I want to keep to myself about. To me it feels like my personal thing that I just don't want my parents to know. It would make me feel uncomfortable about them even knowing. I already tell them all my problems in school and with friends if I need any advice about it. So I just feel like keeping just this one a secret from me. I mean have you ever kept something from your parents?
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male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (17 September 2012):
 One quick follow up to your followup.
You said, "I want to keep to myself about because it gives me something that only I know and not my parents". That is not valid reasoning. You are trading something of value, your parents trust, for something of no value, The ability to keep a secret, or something of less value, avoiding trouble when mom over reacts.
Think about how valuable that trust is going to be in just a few years, before you trade it away so cheaply.
FA
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female
reader, Abella +, writes (17 September 2012):
 I guess a big problem that I see with these online chat places are the number of adults who pose as teenagers, with a view to eventually forming emotional bonds with the teen - with the ultimate aim of meeting the teen to form an abusive relationship with the teen. These abusive adults being potential Pedophiles. And I applaud the Police efforts to track these adults who are a danger to teens as potential Pedophiles.
Although I did not find an online link, that I thought was appropriate, i am aware of these very same types of Pedophiles who have gone on to murder the teen they hoodwinked in a chatroom once the adult has convinced the teen to meet them.
So chatroom sites have the potential to be truly turn bad.
You are totally correct about Facebook.
A teen asked me recently, 'how do you get so much done?'
My reply was I don't do Facebook, don't smoke cigarrettes, don't find time for online games, don't drink alcohol, and again by choice I don't drink coffee nor tea.
Sure frees up the day for a whole range of other Real-time activities. More hobbies and more real-time with people who are important to me. And DearCupid.org of course, which I think is lots of fun. And is a very safe form to interact in, and helps thousands of good people.
Best wishes to you for your good future
Regards
Abella
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (17 September 2012):
So why do you think your mother would overreact? Would it be because you are online chatting with strangers?
Did you ever hear about the girl who was misled by a fake account set up by the mother of one of her 'friends'? This may have happened before you were old enough to be paying attention.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Suicide_of_Megan_Meier It was very tragic. This troubled girl was targeted and essentially bullied by an adult posing as a teenaged boy.
You don't know enough about the people you are interacting with to know what impact your words can make. This is a cautionary tale for people. Yes, it's just words, people may say. She shouldn't have been on MySpace in the first place, they might say. Her parents should have been keeping a closer eye on her, others could say.
What you did to another human being is very hurtful. You have no way of knowing how fragile she is and what harm she might to do herself.
You've had a wake up call. Listen to it. I think the brave thing to do would be to come clean with your parents. But don't play with people's emotions like that again, it's not nice.
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female
reader, Abella +, writes (17 September 2012):
hi
I don't think you need any mental health assistance,
I do applaud your decision to get out of the Chat room scene. And shut down the persona you created. Because it has become way too much more trouble than it's worth. All the other online people concerned will find another issue or person to heap their scorn on once you leave.
Please stay out of that particular chat. Even twelve months later people can still recognise a written style/content of writing.
You do sound intelligent and curious about the world. I think you will do very well in your studies in the future.
Best wishes to you
Abella
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI don't want to tell my parents about this. The reason why is because I am a little ashamed about it. Not only that but my mom would over react. And this problem is something i want to keep to myself about.I have told my mom and dad a lot of my problems before, and this is a problem that I want to keep to myself about because it gives me something that only I know and not my parentsIt's true though that my hobbies are stuff that boys do, and I do like more of the boy style.Sorry for not saying this on the question. I was in a rush to figure out what to do next so I didn't put much detail in it.
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male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (17 September 2012):
I've held off on replying for quite a while now. I see that the question has changed.
You are young and curious. Your curiosity is not the problem, your using of others to satisfy your curiosity is what I was upset about.
In reality both of these are very common in people your age. You are very young to see ahead what consequences your actions may bring. You are much too young to see clearly how other people are feeling. You are driven by curiosity about the world around you, both thing and people.
So, based on that, I don't think you need mental help. At least not any more than any 13 year old would need.
Some of this may be coming from the fact that you chose a male persona. You have explained why it is that you chose it. You prefer the things that go with Male persona's. That doesn't indicate anything about your mental / sexual / emotional / social make up. It probably indicates something about the clothes you will choose or the hobbies you will enjoy.
In general you should be allowed to experiment as much as you desire as long as you can do it with out hurting someone else. In other words let them in on it. If you want to play as Buck HeMan Just let the other players know you are using him because he gets bigger axes. Actually you don't need to tell them unless something inappropriate happens. For example if a girl shows attraction for you , or a guy starts an inappropriate conversation with you.
What I am saying is, be honest and care about others feelings as well as you are able. Realize that you are going to make mistakes. Be gracious and apologize when you do. Just be a good friend, even to online people.
FA
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (17 September 2012):
Talk to your parents about your dilemma and they will help you through this, it sounds like you are a bright girl with a lot of imagination and I'm sure they want the best for you. Help them help you by being honest with them, okay?
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAlright, after reading everyones advice, i have decided to quit. I don't have a facebook account and don't plan on getting one. 1 because I find it to be boring 2. because I don't think i need it i mean like i hear when you go to college or trying to go to a college they like look at everything you do on facebook. So I figured I wouldn't be going on facebook. My email address they don't know and I honestly think that they won't try to figure it out. Just because it would take time and if i were these people i would just continue with the chat and not really care.
Now I have a close connection with my parents and i'm known to be very smart in the real world, and very talented. Could it be that i need mental help? Honestly i just hate being a being known as a girl in these chat rooms. But the thing is that i met the girl Y in another chat room world thing(like those places where you play games and stuff and get money ans buy stuff. pvp i guess games) and i picked a boy because i didn't really like the girl stuff. So when i went to her chat room i didn't have much choice to be a dude since we met in this PvP game thing where i was already a boy. Would i still need mental help?
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female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (17 September 2012):
 Do all your online friends who are begging you to stay in that chat room know you are a fake person, a girl who deliberately created a male personna so that she could trick a girl, who already has massive problems in her life and so is in a vulnerable and fragile state, into trusting her enough to believe she was in an online romantic relationship?
You have confessed to being a liar and a fraud and now you are trying to justify continuing as a liar and a fraud.
If you are unable to leave the chat room by deleting the profile and turning off your computer talk to your parents, print off your questions and all the responses so that they dont get a white washed version.
The longer you remain in that chat room the more despicable your actions become.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (17 September 2012):
And if you read Aunty BimBim and Abella's advice, that's the best strategy to deal with it. Delete the account, spend time in real life and do not go back there for a while. You do leave footprints of all kinds when you go to sites and it's simply not healthy for you at this time.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (17 September 2012):
So what did your parents advise on this?
My guess is that you've withheld the information about your online account and the whole drama surrounding your 'roleplaying.'
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female
reader, Abella +, writes (17 September 2012):
for the sake of your own emotional health i believe you need to remove yourself from this online scence. Close your account, delete your account.
Online is so risky.
At 13 it is fraught with even more problems.
People who claim to be 13 maybe 53.
People who claim to be nice can be pedophiles.
Despite some people asking you to stay I Think it is time, without further debate that you get out of this potentially unsafe situation. Some of sillier people on the chat site may seek revenge on you.
You are deluding yourself if you think they are supportive of you.
Please, for your safety get out of that chat now. People recognise how people write. People become as identifiable by their 'voice' as fingerprints.
Delete your account, close down THAT means of communication.
Stop giving out your personal situation.
Delete your Facebook (you can start it up again later)
Delete your email (you can start a different one later - different name entirely)
Delete your electronic footprint entirely.
Then get out in the sunshine, do some outdoor things. Talk to real people face to face - and NEVER mention this situation to the new people you meet - to stop them telling the first group who you are and where you live.
And if you ever want to chat choose a totally different group and be a newbie.
NEVER MENTIO THE PREVIOUS GROUP as the world is a smaller place than you think
You are a good innocent 13 year old and you deserve more support and protection than i think you realise from some potentially bullying people
Please protect yourself by taking the good advice offered to you here. Please?
My best wishes
Abella
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionwell in real life i act completely different. Like if everything that just happened wasn't real. And i know my parents love me deeply which we spend a lot of time together.I know that my friends and I are good because i feel like i can trust them and i can tell they feel the same way, so i know i'm cool with my friends. The problem for me is that i want to quit with this fake world thing, but at the same time something is holding me back. Like i had a lot of fun with them, but i know it was never real and i knew i had to quit it someday. But what scares me is if I'm not ready to quit.I mean right now i just said i will quit and now Y just said that only like 3 ppl hated me(We have about 10 people or more on are chat)and how like she can tell them that me and Y are cool. But i still have something telling me to quit but everyones makeing it harder too. So i just need adive on how to like quit when everyons saying no?
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (17 September 2012):
You're trying to do things to make people happy or you are justifying why you don't want to have to leave.
You lied to a lot of people, you pretended you were something you were not. Some have forgiven you. Some will not.
It's time to move on and spend some time in the real world, facing real people and learning that what you do has consequences. If you act like an a**hole, you can expect to be treated like one, no matter your age.
Let me ask you this, can you justify your actions to your parents or a real life friend? If not, then take that as a big clue that you need to stop with the virtual world for a while, until you ground back down in real life.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI see...Now though do i still leave even when half the chat is begging me to stay? I don't really want to make them sad so in that manner I'm still debating, and they keep making it harder when they keep begging me to stay on.Another thing, these kids are the same age that I am. 3 of them live in Canada, then 1 lives in Taxes, and a few other live far away from where I am in. like 30 states away. So would they really try to take the time to track me down? when they don't really know where I live? All they know is my age but they don't even know what date it was, and a little of my personalty. Is that enough to hunt me down? really? and if so how?Now I know since you've been around the block more then i have, I know you know more then me since you have more wisdom then I do. Though is there a way to make it a little more safe, like what if the people forgave me( I still would leave the chat though) would that make it more safer? and if yes then is there anyway that they could just be a little less mad at me?
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female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (17 September 2012):
whats next is you listen to a woman in her 50s who has been exposed to online communities for longer than you have existed and you DONT go back into that chat room, people dont trust you, we all have our own way of expressing ourselves, even in writing, you will be discovered as a fraud, it IS possible for determined people to find information out about you, you DO NOT have the maturity to handle this situation.
You need to delete your profile from that chat room, and you need to learn from this experience, you are not infallible nor are you invisible.
Regardless of what sort of security you believe you have online every time we log on we leave a footprint, and determined people can follow those foot prints.
Even Vietnam Vets have been abused, bullied and villified in online communities, as well as television personalities and polititcians.
What makes you think a 13 year old girl who creates fake profiles in a deliberate effort to use other girls for her own entertainment is immune.
You asked for advice, and have recieved what you asked for, now use it!
You have already stuffed up in a major way, so don't make it worse!
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTrue but you have to understand that in this chat room since I'm 13 i decided to start in a safe chat. So this chat they don't know how i look like, or where i am, or anything, because i gave them a fake name and also i did say which state i was in but they dont know which city and so on.
So just so you know if they tried to hunt me down i dont think it would work because they only know very little about me. not even my email address so ya.
Its true everyone doesn't trust me but X did forgave me. And i believe she trusts me. but i have another problem. She doesn't want me to go and some of the other people on this chat dont want me to go... so whats next?
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female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (16 September 2012):
Fatherly Advice is correct, they dont trust you. You will only be making things`worse for yourself and her. Any advice you give` will fall on deaf ears. Delete your account now and stay away from that chat room.
Dont ever consider making a new profile to go in there to give`advice. Somebody will recognise you, and there are ways they could trace you through your IP. Stay away from that chat room!
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male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (16 September 2012):
Her problems are beyond simple advice. The most important thing when dealing with parents who have serious problems is to know that the children are not at fault. As for self harm, she needs professional help. Good support from friends is important as well.
I am worried about your plan to give one last bit of advice. Basically these people don't trust you right now. From that point your advice may fall on deaf ears.
FA
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female
reader, Abella +, writes (16 September 2012):
I would like to see you FORGIVE YOURSELF.
Online stuff can be over-whelming if you lack the skills to handle it effectively.
You were well meaning. But I think you tried too hard to be 'nice' and it all got out of control.
If you were not as forthcoming with your friends then you would have been able to keep it to yourself.
So a lesson for the future is "once you tell just ONE person your secret it is no longer a secret.'
Besides FORGIVING YOU I think you need to look for some nicer friends. As I think these existing friends have been less than friends to you.
Please do not be so hard on yourself. Despite all that went on. You were in too deep into a emotionally charged situation. And It all became too much.
Please resolve to be much KINDER TO YOU and much more FORGIVING of you. Because essentially you are not a bad person at all and you did not deserve all the bagging these people gave you.
Who dares to say that they have never made a mistake is a liar. At least you understand that it was a tough situation. These so called friends did not help either.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 September 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI realized I did something bad by acting the opposite sex and playing with a girls heart to see how it is to be a boy. I have in the end regret everything I did when I thought I could help someone it never ended like that in the end so I felt lost and not sure what to do. I have told this girl to talk to a parent, and she did the only problem is that her parents didn't seem to care. Her dad(from what she has said) is about to break is liver because he's been drinking too much alcohol, and her mom seems to have something more then cancer in her body. So she's been worried more then ever, and stressed out. Now not for points in a game, I want to help her before i stop going on this chat. Like is there any advice to help her? Because even I can't even think of giving good advice to her . i just want her to have some really good advice, then I will delete my profile and be gone from that chat.I thank you for the advice you put out on here. It help me out a lot in a more clear path to what I'm doing. I wish I never did what i did, and have felt so bad. So thank you for you people giving me some good advice that I will use.
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male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (16 September 2012):
That's a lot of drama for a 13 year old. No wonder you are confused. You have received some good solid advice so far. I want to add some general advice.
You approached the chat room like it was a kind of game. You assumed a persona, created a relationship and then started exchanging your time and affection for information (points). Even after the relationship broke you still continued to try for information.
Let's take an outsiders point of view on this. This is going to be scary. Lets say a predator came to the same chat. What would he do? He would assume a fake persona, and try to collect information. He would give time and affection to anyone in hopes of getting information he could use to get access to the target. See how scary your behavior could be?
#1 rule for online relationships is that these are real people. Not points. When you use real people to "see what it feels like to be a boy in a relationship" the key word is Use! You chose a vulnerable girl and used her to satisfy your curiosity. It is no surprise that she ended up being hurt.
The next thing is a caution, If you being 13 and somewhat inexperienced could do this, how easy would it be for an adult predator to do the same thing? So be very cautious about giving information. Also be cautious about how aggressively you seek for information.
You have been advised to spend some time in the real world. I would add to that that you should spend some of that time learning about relationships. Learn how to earn trust in an honest way. Start with some easy relationships, like with your parents. Spend time communicating. Make commitments and keep them.
I know that boys are very interesting to you right now. Try to resist the temptation to seek boys who are older and more interested in girls. Find a guy your age who has some interests in common with you. Form a real friend type relationship. Not Romantic. He won't quite know how to handle romantic. That is the kind of experimenting you need to be doing now.
Keep a journal. It will help you learn more about your self. I do want to say that your curiosity about boys and how it would be to be in a relationship from his point of view is very natural at your age. Your approach at learning more about it was misguided.
In the end the chat room friends have written you off as a liar who hurt them. You will have to give them up now. It is sad that now that they are lost you value them more than your actions proved. I do hope that youe next try will work out better.
FA
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female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (16 September 2012):
Oh Dear! I hope you now realise how bad it is to play with people's emotions and how dangerous lying can be. I would like to think that you will delete your fake profile and remove yourself from chat groups entirely for a while, so that you can take the time to think very carefully about what you have done and how you have, in many ways, had a very lucky escape. I don't want to scare you but there are so many 'what ifs' here and none of them are good.
Find something else to do for a few months, away from the computer, and don't go back to that chat room for a long, long time (like more than a year), we all have our own style of typing, and using language and even if you go in there as your real self this time it is very possible for somebody to connect your new profile and the old.
Find something else to do, read a book, go for a walk, start a new hobby, hire a movie, go to the library, concentrate on your studies, just don't go making up fake profiles and getting yourself into situations you don't have the maturity (yet) to handle.
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