A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi and thank you all for taking the time to read.....I dont know where else to turn and I feel tornI know there are 2 sides of this story but here is my point of view.....my parents divorced when i was very young.....we were living in my mom's mom's house and my dad moved out and i stayed my my grandma( and my mom)My mom found a new man, they got married and left the country...they would visit sporadically but it was my gradma who really played the role of a mother for me. My mom back one day to bring my brother and leave him with me and my grandma(my childhood was gone that day, my life was now just school and help my grandma take care of him) so she and her husband could do whatever they were planning to do. Eventually they decided we should all be together and they brought all 3 of us over to live with them. I thought i was going to be given the same security and attention i was given when i was living with my grandma BUT I had to get a job delivering newspapers when i was 13 so i wouldn't need to ask her for money and when i turned 15 she practically forced me to get a real job(retail of course) to make money and help her because she couldn't take care of me. I was unable to concentrate on my studies and still felt like i was the designated babysitter( my brother is 7 years younger) One day when i was 15 i heard yelling and ran downstairs to find my mom's husband threatening to hit her in the head with the phone if she ever mentioned calling the cops again.........I became enraged and litterally pounced on him.....IA GRABBED HIM BY BOTH ARMS AND DUG MY NAILS IN TILL I DREW BLOOD AND USED EVERY SWEAR WORD I KNEW TO EXPRESS MY ANGER AND TOLD HIM TO GET THE FF OUT! HE LEFT...THEY GOT DIVORCED! She made my grandma sell her house (the house my gradma told me she would leave me in her will)to help her pay her bills..She would phone me at work to ask to borrow money for her car insurance because she was so financially irresponsible that she could not manage her own bills. I moved out when i was 18 and we haven't had a real relationship since( not like we ever were close) Now, years and years later(my grandma passed away 8 years ago so i have no other mother figure in my life), a lot of things have happened that should have brought us close but it seams we are still as estranged as ever. I CAN NOT RELATE TO HER. Whenever i try to talk to her about my problems or the things that happened, she tries to run away or acts like a freaking child( she literally covers her ears and jumps up and down saying" lalala i cant hear you".....she is effin 60 years old and i told her that i can not stand when she acts like a child and that i am TIRED! of me being the adult and me being the one who takes care of her( i know we should take care of our parents when they get old but this is different....she is not a sick poor old woman, she is a big child in an old woman's body. I yelled yes, i always yell when i get that upset and the only thing she can say is that i am not normal and she walks out like an upset child who throws his toys out of the pram when he cant get what he wants! I love her but i don't like her and i cant stand when she acts like that and forces me into the grown up role...............PLEASE HELP ME.....I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO AND I DON'T KNOW IF I AM EVEN RIGHT FOR REACTING LIKE THIS......................maybe she is right and i am crazy.......maybe i should just check myself into a place??thank you all so much:)
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (4 June 2012):
 You have my permission to not have a relationship with your mom is she is toxic for you which she sounds like she is. My fiancé is 39 and he is totally estranged from his mentally ill mom. He has no contact with her at all. I’ve been with him nearly 2 years and he has never so much as spoken to her on the phone. It is his choice. His sister has a relationship with her but he was the oldest and he bore the brunt of her insanity. He chooses to be sane and rational and not have contact with her for his mental health.
We all want our parents to PARENT and its sad when they can’t do it. I’m not a great parent. Thankfully my kids had an awesome stepmom that was. I would suggest that perhaps you get some professional counseling on how to cope with the fact that your parent, cannot and will not parent. That will help you figure out how to cope better with her childish outbursts.
I’m going to also suggest that you forgive her. She is probably ill equipped to be an adult for whatever reasons… (much like me) and she is probably doing the best she can although it does not feel like it to you.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 June 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you Grant...........sadly what you said is so true. She doesn't expect anything of me, I think deep down she does want to have a good relationship with me but she just doesnt know how to do that because a) her and her mom were never close either and b) because she hasn't grown up yet. No I do not support her financially( she actually helps me out sometimes if i need help) BUT she needs me to be the strong person and to be her shield wherever she goes through a difficult situation or doesn't know how to deal with a situation, she regresses back into a child state and I need to be the grown up. We don't even gave a sister sister relationship...........its very messed up and i feel drained( I think deep down i want her to be the strong, responsible and respectable woman that my grandma was so that i can respect her.
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A
male
reader, C. Grant +, writes (4 June 2012):
 We have expectations of what our parents should be. In a perfect world our mothers support us, nurture us, take our side, and lead us be example. Sadly in many families that ideal doesn't happen. When a parent proves themself to be unworthy we feel guilty because society expects us to be dutiful children, regardless.
What you've described is someone who never rose to the standard we expect of a mother. Not only in her youth, but at any time later on. This person remains in your life not because you choose it, but because of her status as your mother, and so out of obligation.
When we become adults we gain the right to choose who is in our lives. To be healthy, we choose people who build us up, who support us, who make our lives better and make us stronger. None of that seems to fit with how you describe your mother.
You haven't told us what she expects of you, if you're supporting her financially or whatever. Regardless, you are perfectly within your rights to choose who is in your life. If your mother is toxic, if she's holding you back or bearing you down, it is perfectly reasonable for you to keep your distance. That might be simply setting boundaries, it might go so far as cutting her out of your life altogether. It's clear that you're not going to get the love and support you might expect; rather, she'll drain your energy. As an adult you must take care of yourself.
If you're seeking permission to step back and take care of yourself, you have it. It's terribly sad that you'll never have an ideal mother, but the fact is you won't. Guide yourself accordingly.
Good luck.
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