A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Can men tell if a women has low self confidance? I have low self confidance and it seems all the guys I go out with ethier dump me in a few weeks {the normal ones} Or I end up with some jerk that hits me and takes advantage of me. How can I let men know i'm not a doormat? What is it my body language do I have a big red sign that says abuse me? I don't get it . Men usally tell me how hot I am then they ethier dump me after a few weeks or get extremly possesive and I have to dump them. I know i'm shy and hate to argue. Do I have to completely change my personality to get a guy that is normal? Do they want someone sort of mean or bitchy? I have friends that are extremly demmanding of thier boyfriends and they yell and argue then the guy just comes running. I wish I could do that! thanks for any input
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2008): Like a woman that can tell that a man has low self confidence, I believe men can sense it as well. It is a combination of things usually that creates this vibe. I think it is alot harder for a man to see in a woman than vice versa(women can tell very quickly if a man is confident or not based on his body language, his tone, eye contact etc). On the other hand with women I think it comes out more when you qualify them to see what they have going on in their lives. I for example will ask a girl or woman if she is in university or what stuff does she have going on in her life(general topics in a conversation) and I find that less confident women get quite hostile if they can sense that the answers they give you are not generating a positive response(not always but in Low self esteem girls ...LSEs here after) seem to react this way. Men may not initially be able to tell but the true personality does shine through after a period of time. I hope this helps
A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (23 June 2008):
 If your confidence was really that low you wouldn't be able to dump the abusers. So not all is lost but yes there are definitely people out there who send all the wrong signals and just are trouble magnets.
One part of it is that "good" guys will tend to steer well clear of these girls as well. What is it that you transmit that attracts the abusers and sends the rest running for the hills?
Over-eagerness, compare it to difference between a dog and a cat. A dog (over-eager person) will react to a complement with absolute abandon, "yippie, he gave me the time of day he is my true love!".
A cat being told it is the most beautiful thing on earth will go "I know I am, what of it?".
Okay, people ain't pets but do you get what I am trying to say?
Try to learn to be content as a single person first of all. When you have organized your life where you no longer need someone else to be happy you can then be far more selective in who you go out with and will be more attractive to those looking for a partner, not an easy mark.
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A
female
reader, happytochat  +, writes (23 June 2008):
Yes, when someone is low in confidence it is very easy to see. Thats why people with low self confidence often end up being the tartget of abusers, as abusers can tell they have little self esteem, so they are more likely to put up with abuse.
And as for a guy who is healhty/non abusive, well they can tell too. And its not that you are a bad person or unattractive, its probably more to do with that they realise that when someone isnt ok within themself, they need to be by themself and deal with whats going on inside of them, before being in a relationship.
So what sorts of things may you be doing that makes it obvious that you are low in confidene?
Well there are things like body language. Confident people make and maintain eye contact. Non confident people find this hard to do. Non confident people often just agree with everything the perso nthey are talking to says. They are afraid to stand up for themself.
You said you are shy and hate to argue. This in itself gives abusive men a big clue that you may be easy to push around, and you are less likely to confront them about there wrong and absuive behaviour. So you need to sort your avoidance of confrontation out. Im not saying you have to have a fight with anyone and everyone who upsets you, its about being assertive, not passive or aggressive in situations.
As for your friends, well the roles have been reversed. Your gf's are abusing your bf's by yelling and demanding things from them. There bfs are the victims of abuse. YOu dont want that. You want a healthy relaitonship dont you?
Do some research on being assertive, as I think thats a big issue with you and your friends too.
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