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anonymous
writes: My best friend is dating a abusive man and I don't know how to help her. Here is how it all started, they had been dating for about a year and she confessed to me one night after having a lot to drink that he had hit her and that he was very possessive of her. I was floored because he always seemed so nice. But she has always been kinda private about her love life in most ways. About a month after we talked she said she wanted to leave him, so we both went out that night and she asked him not to follow us, that she needed time with her friends. I talked her into leaving him the next day and that I was going to come over and help her so that nothing would happen. We decided to have a wild night and get drunk. She started flirting with a guy from the bar and I just left her alone. I figured that she needed the attention. Then her boyfriend showed up and saw her with the other guy. He flipped out and went nuts. We were both too drunk to drive so we found someone to take us home. He followed us and things really got bad. I had to call the police on him and he kick in the door and grabbed me and kicked me across the floor. The police heard everything. He ran out the door after that and the police went after him. They arrested him for assulting me even though I did not press charges. He never hit my friend, but he did me...so I did not see her ever going back to him. When he was released from jail he was ordered to stay away from me. Now, here is the crazy thing. About a week later she moved in with him. They ended up buying a house together and now she never talks to me. I have tried so many times to forget what happened and hope that she will be save with him. I still call her every week and try to let her know that I am still her friend and that I don't want what happened affect our friendship. But because he is not supposed to be around me, she won't come around me either. I am so worried about her, she does not talk to any of her friends anymore and she never goes anywhere with anyone but him. She never calls me back. This is just not like her, she has always valued her friends and always been in loving relationships till this. How do I get her to leave him and get out of this abusive relationship? I want her to be happy and I don't want to tell her how to live her life. I have not told our other friends what happened or what I know about him, but I know they all supect something is wrong. But I promised her that I would not talk about it to anyone. I don't know what to do! Help!
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 May 2005): If she's in love with this man, she will follow her heart and not her brain (that would be influenced by what her friends and family say).
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 May 2005): You want to be supportive, obviously, but be careful as this can sometimes be construed as interference, whether you mean it to be or not.Sadly, in this situation, you have done all you can do. You have offered your friend your continued support and friendship, should she want it, but she is an adult, and only she can ultimately choose to end this relationship.Why not write her a letter( making sure she recieves it herself if you think this man may be likely to destroy it)Tell her that you understand that she has been put in a difficult situation, and you are sorry for that, that you miss her, and if at any time she feels she needs you or wants to talk, then to just call. Tell her you will always be there even if she does not feel able to be friends with you right now. Don't mention or criticise her boyfriend as this may make things worse.Then move on. You have offered your friendship unconditionally, which, if it all does fall apart, she will most certainly need.But that is all you can do. Then the ball is in her court to approach you, or not.Best of luck.
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