A
male
age
,
anonymous
writes:I am posting this question for a second time -as I have left out some important details the first time around. I am currently married for 16 years and we have one child, a boy. During the 16 years, my wife packed her belongings and moved to her parents at least twice a year. I kind of put up with this for 16 years. I took her for therapy and we could not get to the bottom of why she keeps doing what she does. She said that she does not know, but she gets bored of the same routine of marriage. She gets calls in the middle of the night on her mobile phone, and then she tells me that is was her brother that called. Her parents encourage her into this unstable life, and not once have they sent her back to our home to work things out amongst the two of us. They always wait and keep her at their place until she herself decides she's ready to come home. Last year 2008 was the breaking point for me. During one of my wife's disappearing acts, I befriended one of her co-workers that came to visit her while she was away on her disappearing acts again. Naturally, and I referred this lady friend to my in laws house. But instead, she decided to stay a while and talk to me. We became very good friends since then. Our friendship has since developed into a romantic relationship. The problem is however- I am 27 years older than this woman. We have now been together for 18 months. I told my wife about us during the second month of our friendship, and my wife has since stopped the disappearing acts. Even my in laws are amazed that she no longer runs away from our home to theirs. The relationship between me and this woman are still ongoing. I do not think that I could ever go back to loving my wife again. She has left me and our son so many times, not taking my son's well being into consideration. Not once has she taken our son with her during her disappearing acts. I was seen as the big joke in the family. They made fun of me and said that their daughter were staying with them, and just visiting at our house, and that she is much happier at their home then at her ours. I took this mental abuse for about 16 years - and finally I met this 22 year old woman - who incidentally knew everything that went on in my marriage, because she is my wife's co-worker. I learned from her that my wife went around and said that I was the one doing the disappearing acts, and all her co-workers thought that to be the truth. Upon getting to know each other better, my now 'new girlfriend" found out that my wife had been telling lies not only to her co-workers, but also to her family. I am now happy and do not wish to go back to the life of uncertainty that I had of whether my wife will be gone or at home when I return from work. I am totally in love and my girlfriend love me just as much - She is however 27 years younger than me - I have no money - so it is not that. I am just the average everyday guy. She is very beautiful in every sense of the word - In appearance as well as manners. I now look like the bad guy. I am thinking of getting a divorce and start a new life altogether. I am in perfect health for my age. That being said- what am I to do/ I am being judged by a lot of people. Our relationship is not a secret. My girlfriend's parents know about me and my wife knows about my girlfriend and me. What do you think - should I grab this chance with both hand - and get out of this uncertain marriage? The part which I forgot to mention is that we are married in community of property and technically the house/property and all household contents needs to be divided equally amongst my wife and myself. I am comfortable with that, but I have been married for 16 years and to start a life of a single person is not going to be easy. Yes I have been abandon on several occasions-but transforming into the life of a singular is not that easy. Divorce's can end up very messy and I do not have the support structures such as family behind me, except for my girlfriend that vowed to be behind me 200%.Will getting myself a Flat to live in, be a good idea? My girlfriend and I are planning to move into our own place/ flat and start a new life. I need to bet out of my home before I start divorce proceedings - Kindly post all the advice that is out there.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 September 2009): Dear Female reader
Once again,thanks for your interest, and thosr of the other readers. I noticed that you also have a sense of humor...I like that..Lmao...that's a good quality that I constantly strive to maintain. The past few days has been good. I'm beginning to get the hang of life without my wife around. A A few couple of days ago, she received her subpoena to appear in court, and tried to make contact with me. I am going to allow myself the opportunity to hear what she has to say.
I would like to keep you guys updated...but I think that my matter has now gone to the highest level, and a lot of hurt are lurking around the corner. For this reason, I shall not be at liberty to discuss the progress of the divorce. I however kindly ask all the readers to keep us in their thoughts during this ordeal. I will keep popping in here as often as I can to read the replies.
Regards
Mr. T
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2009): well, Mr T., EACH TO HIS OWN.and NO my hb has not put me through a similar tormoil. in fact he is my darling darling precious hb (normal marital issues, fights, sulking and the obvious making up)and i don't think i am a feminist as you call me. i am just an ordinary person (andby the way, something to think about- the internet is such a small place. we now know which city you live in and which government department you work for. don't be too surprised to find a dear cupid aunt at your doorstep. (lol)take care
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 September 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you Female writer.I will decide what to do.My gf will not be put aside.Not at a time like this. There is nothing and no reason for me to consider what people think of me. The worst has already happened. My actions will not justify for the 18 months that I have been involved with my gf, but it certainly helps now - to know that she is there. She now forms part of my support structure. It is going to be very stupid of me to put her aside to sort out my divorce.And whether I want to go through my divorce alone or with my gf at my side, is not going to make any difference. My wife will probably not even show up at the divorce proceedings, knowing how she lied to me about my son for all these years.I will most certainly not jump into another marriage - but alone I am not going to be. Gone are the days of hiding and respecting my wife's feelings. I now drive around with my gf in public and I do not feel ashamed.my wife is too shy to stick her head out the door, because the shame is on her. But I wish to thank you for your interest in my matter. I have a gut feeling that you also had marriage problems at one point in time, and were probably hurt by your partner. I not, then you are a feminist. But nonetheless, thank you for trying to advise me. Good luck for the future, as we all need it- Mr.T
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 September 2009): MR T , thanks for the update.
regarding the gf situation:
i think you were faithful up until the last 18 months right? get a divorce BEFORE moving on with the gf. it is about doing the right thing and not just tit for tat.
having an affair while still married is the wrong thing and no matter how "justified" you now feel you are, do not undo your good character. in the end all you have is your good name, for the last 18 months you threw that good name away by conducting your affair. if you want to do the right thing going forward, tell this other woman to wait for you as your finish with your marriage once and for all....meaning a divorce. then seek out this other woman and if the feelings are still mutual then hey, you got nothing to worry about.
two wrongs do not make a right.......and please do the right thing. work on your self esteem and make peace with what has been now transpired.
good luck
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 September 2009): I am Mr. T... the writer of the initial posting.
Thank you Female writer for redeeming yourself.I indicated initially that my wife's behavior was strange and without affection. My 22yr old girlfriend are holding my hand through this ordeal.I am glad that I did not dump her as many has suggested I do. On the contrary, I have not told her everything yet. I am hoping to speak to her over the weekend. AS for the Pastor - our church has Priests instead. They told me that there wasn't much they could do. That they cannot get involved, but can offer me moral support. I am employed by the Health Department, and they have appointed a counselor to help me pick up the pieces of my life. I am not sure if anything worse can happen right now. I will be dammed if i break this news to my mom- it will certainly kill her. Nevertheless...I have not seen the Mrs. since she broke the news to me. She refuses to take my calls, and her family also refused to call her to the phone. I have now made it my mission to see my son after school. i think my in laws knows this, because I drop him off two houses away from his granny, and they asked him whether he was with me. Shame..he wanted to know why they were now staying at grans place. I didn't want to tell him the truth, so instead I said that mom & dad had a disagreement about something, and taking some time apart. I don't even want to think of telling him the truth.
I have to focus on forgiveness and starting a new life. Hey..My girlfriend and I have been together for more than a year and a half. I have not seen much of her since Iv'e posted my first question here. But This is not a time to be alone. I just want to clarify that my g/frnd is not a gold digger, cos whatever I own is what I worked for. We are genuinely in love with each other - in spite of recent events that has unfolded. So keep watching this space
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 September 2009): to the OP
the latest developments shed a different light into this situation. i am sorry that you were lied to about your sons paternity. this is unforgivable and your wife should be taken to task for this betrayal. what she has done is unforgiveable!!!!!!!!!!my heart goes out to you.
may i suggest that you talk to your Pastor about what has transpired. i think you need to unburden your true feelings to someone - only later will the true effects of the betrayal come to the fore.
how do you or even his mother break the news about his paternity? do you even tell him??
a childs paternity is so sacred - i have no sympathy for women who hoodwink their partners into believeing that they fathered the child.
thank you for the update. i wish you nothing but peace going forward.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 September 2009): A female reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2009):
to the OP, what have you decided. did my long post 18 Aug make sense to you? just curious:
I am the person that Posted the initial Question 17August 09
To the Female Reader above - In answer to your question - I decided to tell my wife that I looked at every angle of our marriage, and that divorce seem to be the only option.She asked me to sit down and discuss my thoughts with me. After letting me pour my heart out on how I would have loved the therapy and counseling to have worked for us, and how I want to move past the hurt and betrayal of her family....she HIT ME WITH A TON OF BRICKS...That I am not the biological father of our child....that she has never stopped seeing the child's father - and that I wouldv'e eventually found out. How can I now face my 14yr old son and say that someone else is his daddy? I has to restrain myself from not jumping up and doing something that I would have regretted later. I said nothing...nothing..listen to me...nothing. i just got up, got into my car and drove to the beach. There I inhaled the sea breeze to calm myself. When i got back home an hour and a half later, she was gone - took my son with her this time (first time)managed to write a letter to me while I was at the beach - I don't want to reveal the contents of this letter - but I decided to pray for her. I am now in the process of seeking legal counsel to see what rights I have with regards to seeing my son of whom I am now not the father of. Ask me if I ever noticed anything different about my son? No..I did not. He is the perfect picture of his mom.Will I now stop seeing him? Hell No...He knows me as his father and I will take it one step at a time. My attorney advised me that this divorce will go through without any problems - I will probably get everything that we acquired over the years. But female writer - know this - I will be strong for the battle that lies ahead. As for your previous comments - Be thou not the judge less thou shall be judged. The 16 years of marriage was based on nothing less than lies - It now makes sense as to why she kept running away from home ( and to think that you actually thought that I had something to do with the failure of our marriage?)I will pray for my soon to be ex-wife, and I will pray for those that are acting as Judge and Jury. Thank you to all the positive responses that i got on this site: I will be back soon with a fresh update of what is happening.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2009): to the OP, what have you decided. did my long post 18 Aug make sense to you? just curious
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 August 2009): "He's 30 years older and now he's starting to give me the creeps. Posted August 11,2009") I think you should read this about the huge age gap and how the young woman now cannot stand her older man. this is a reality.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 August 2009): This is a long one .SORRY
it will be so so easy for me to just agree with what you have done but let me play devils advocate for a while. you will get lots of responses from people condoning your behaviour and you will feel great and justified, having this affair and messing up your life. step back for a moment and consider all the facts.
the young co worker comes to visit your wife. but she stays instead for you. Uuuhhhmmmm interesting. divorce your wife before even continuing with this affair. do the right thing from the start if you can. this divorce will be very messy and well, you can't blame your wife now for deserting her, can you?
instead of just shacking up with the young lover have you done everything to salvage your marriage. you blame your wife for desertion, you actually blame her for everything. surely you had some part in the marriage failing. did not take you long to get it on with the lover. i would only recommend divorce if you have tried everything to make your marriage work, then you walk away and say, i am satisfied, i tried it all and it failed. don't be swayed by the new woman, yes the sex is great, the newness is great. but is this the answer. you will be seen as the big bad adulterer, are you willing to be seen as the man who ditched his wife for the young lover. nothing you say about your wifes behaviour justifies you having an affair.
when we go through marital difficulties we always blame the other spouse, you have done exactly that. have you even admitted, even if it means just to yourself, that you have not been the ideal husband. have you accounted for any of your actions. taking a lover while married is just the wrong thing to do, no matter how justified you may feel. in this instant, yes, it does make you the bad guy. because your actions speak louder than words. You will be judged by all the people that know you since you have not done the right thing in the first place. unfortunately you may turn around and say i am a good person, but again your actions speak louder. if you are honest with yourself, you need to admit your wrong doing. how else can you grow as an individual.
"my now 'new girlfriend" found out that my wife had been telling lies not only to her co-workers" why are you allowing your lover to meddle in your wife and your business. yes this woman has a vested interest in you, but surely you can make up your mind regarding your wife. you are making this woman your guiding force. don't. whatever decisions you have to make about your wife and marriage should not concern your lover. it is between you and your wife and son. do not let your gf sway you, if you want to divorce then do it not because you are being pressurized by the gf but because your marriage is over. please this ow the driving force now. you seem to be listening to her TOO MUCH. of course she will bad mouth your wife, it is only natural. see needs to make your wife look even worse in your eyes.
starting over- you are, do i say, "middle aged", your young lover will want to have babies. means providing for another child. when do you plan to retire. your pension money will be shared with your wife, being married in COP. you will be liable for her medical aid i am assuming. and any other spouse maintenance the court will decide. financially you are screwed. however you need to ensure that your wife is well taken cared of financially. 16 years is a lifetime, so yes she is entitled by law to get half..
you may feel justified being with this OW, but have you considered your wifes feeling. her co- worker for goodness sake. they work together. how could you do this to the woman you are married to. not only does the bird steal her hb, but to work with her , just adds to your wifes nightmare. you may not love your wife but surely you have some sort of decency. think about her feeling and BE KIND to your wife. thus far you have not. and you know it. this makes you the bad guy. having an affair, ok, But NOt with her colleague. this is gut wrenching to say the least. so there is turmoil in your wifes personal life as well as your wife work life. spare her more drama. talk to your mistress. i am sure mistress has told everyone who cares to listen what has been going on. tainting your wifes name. this is not on and please be firm when you talk to this woman. you may now not love your wife, but both you and your mistress learn to please be decent towards her. no more bad mouthing her, no more "finding" out things about your wife. LET HER BE! she has been suffering so much at your hands and the OW. enough is enough.
whatever your wifes fault. be realistic and LEARN to do right.
- she is still your wife, 16 years, considered a lifetime to some
- marital issues, she "deserted" you.
- you have been having an affair for 18(?) now.
- start divorce proceedings OR marriage counselling. have you tried EVERYTHING to make this marriage work. do you throw everything BOTH you and your wife worked so hard for during the 16 years of marriage.
- your marital regime - 50/50. give your wife what she is entitled to. do not be considered a rouge/ cheater. she helped so she is entitled.
- the other woman. you may be in love (or as we say going through a mid life crises, therefore LUST) BUT DO NOT LET HER RULE YOU. AND I THINK YOU ARE BEING GUIDED BY HER.Stop, think clearly and then make decision that would suit YOU. she is by the way, after the fact: after the divorce.) do what is right for you and not for her. she will be giving you the dirt on your wife. it has already happened. she is opening your eyes to your wifes faults, it has already started. this woman has a vested interest in you. therefore she dishes the dirt on your wife. be realistic and wake up. smell the coffee. look at your WIFE & MISTRESS realistically. who stands to gain from your divorce. Your lover, ONLY.
- a new family- how old is the OW. baby making time,. can you see your self going through fatherhood. you are almost 50 years old. thinking retirement, not changing nappies. this is REALITY. starting over with a young woman is not easy. she will have a younger set of friends, want to go clubbing, . i see you are from S.A- the clubbing scene is not for people almost 50. are you the father figure type, wanting to stay at home, instead of partying.
- your son. when you divorce your wife, do not divorce your son. has he met this woman. have you discussed your thoughts with him. do not leave him out of major decisions. include him, if he is old enough. divorce is traumatic for everyone concerned , especially kids. remember from your 50% you still have to keep some inheritance for your son. do not be like other fathers that only take care of the young chick and new babies. he is entitled to his share. so please he is entitled to at least 25% and the OW 25%. TELL this woman upfront what your son will be entitled to, if more babies arrive, do not budge from this fugure. it is not his fault that you have the second family. meaning- do not prejudice what he is entitled to just because you are now with the OW and will start a family with her. be a good father and a good provider to him. keep money for his education, for his tertiary studies. as his dad you are expected to do what is right. DO NOT ABANDONE HIM.
THE WAY FORWARD: starting over, almost 50. single. young woman. babies. new lifestyle. assets gone. retirement planning, insurance, death cover. just some of the things to take note of.
either way there will be a lot of pain , hurt that your wife will face, try not to make it more traumatic for her. she invested in your life for 16 years. do not continue to sow hatred, distrust, infidelity, betrayal. you will reap this ten fold, you know that. sow compassion, kindness, tolerance. for the wife. if you do not want to continue being the bad guy , you need to change the manner in which you conduct yourself. it starts with honesty and reconciliation towards the people you have hurt. and believe me you have hurt many. ask your wife for forgiveness and your son for uprooting their lives. then move forward with this woman. but do not allow her to rule you. she seems to be the controlling woman, but learn from your mistakes and you take charge. you decide what is good for you and what you can live with. do not let her pressurise you (i know it doesn't seem that way but believe me , the other woman always controls, coerce, dictates, manipulates = you do not realise it because it is done subtlety, lovingly and timeously, you will be made to feel like you can conquer anything with her at your side)
I have written you this long message to show you the good, the bad, the ugly and the way forward. if i was your financial planner this would have cost you thousands, but i am giving you two sides, the financial side implications and well as the emotional human side. if you want to survive this life changing decision, you need to start doing the right thing. and it starts with doing the right thing by your wife. even if you contributed 20 % to the breakdown of the marriage, admit it and work on your contributing factors, so that you do not do the same again.
( i do not have a vested interest in advising the above, but i am guessing you have gathered that i have a legal, financial planning background. Weigh up the pros and cons. But make the decisions YOURSELF. In my line of work, i have come across many many men in your age category that lets his young mistress guide him into a divorce, into decisions that are not well planned and the only person who gets a raw deal in the end is the old guy, yearning for love in his twilight years. Was privy to a devastating divorce recently, similar to your case. Older guy, younger mistress. Bitter wife. Same marital regime as yours. Everything split 50/50. Man moves in with mistress. Few months later HE COMPLIANS. Seems like the mistress started acting like a wife too soon. He’s in the process of leaving the bird, and starting over AGAIN. Alone. In his 50’s. I do not want this for you. Please make wise decisions. I have tried not to judge you tooooooo much, but have tried to make you see things a tad bit differently (Try to be financially fit and morally correct ) and Hopefully you would have.
I am sure your OW would not agree with much that i have written but this is about you and the decisions you have to make.
(sorry this is so long, but as always i Have a lot to say)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 August 2009): What? Move out. Your "relationship" with your wife is clearly over.Regardless of if you had this new woman or not, your wife has abandoned you over and over again, and you have cheated. I don't know why you would even consider staying with her. Let her go and find happiness with someone else and focus on your new woman!!!
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A
male
reader, rom  +, writes (18 August 2009):
I do believe you can find happiness with your younger partner as I am in a similiar situation 27 years difference she is 18 however. We are happy but nobody else is with our relationship. We both love each other, but that is not enough for some people who will reply to your posting.
I would happily leave everything to my wife as everything we own will eventually go to my children.
All I can say really is good luck as we all need some and I think you already know that you are going to make a try of it with your girlfriend. It is no different to any relationship you have to work at it.
good luck
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