A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My wife and I need counseling in a very bad way. I feel like all communication has broken down except for when we say things in an extreme way (loud fighting) and in that case it is not clear anyone is listening or even that what we say is the truth. We have agreed to try to find a therapist but there is something I want to know which is: Will what we say to the therapist when we are alone (not in a couples session) remain confidential? There are some things I would like to talk about that I don't want my wife to know about: things like some infedelity that she thinks happened and just some things that I feel affect my attitude toward her and relationships in general that I think a therapist should know but which I don't want revealed to her. People have told me that maybe I should just seek counseling on my own if that is the case but I really want someone to talk to us both. I just don't want that person to share certain things. Is that a reasonable expectation? Is there some professional code that governs this like there is with some other professions? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (23 April 2015):
 IF a therapist says they will keep a confidentiality then they have to do so.
I think that the show that was talked about was just that a show to get ratings and make money. That is not how it's normally handled.
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (23 April 2015):
 Maybe start out with individual counselors?
I have actually never heard of counselors who will promise confidentiality and then turn around and "betray" the client.. for the "greater good".
I did CBT as a teenager and my parents were only told whatever I was comfortable with. Of course this is different than a couples counselor. But I do believe confidentiality is vital for counseling to work.
So before you dismiss counselor, make an appointment with one and go over your NEEDS. As in I want to talk with out to going any further.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 April 2015): OP here:So it sounds like the answer is: "No."That's not going to be tremendously helpful then.Why wouldn't I want my wife to know? Do you feel your wife needs to know EVERYTHING about you and your past? It is one thing if a therapist encourages us to reveal certain truths because they see them as a potential problem but sometimes there are sleeping dogs that should be let alone. It's one thing if a therapist told me it would be important to say something and why but quite another for one to betray confidence like in the case of anon's story. I would never feel comfortable saying anything to that therapist again and may have even fired him or her.That's too bad. Maybe we will do individual counseling then. I just felt that on counselor who knew the whole story might have been more helpful than two who each know half of it.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (22 April 2015):
I think that if you want counseling to work on your own issues that you should have your own counselor and then a couples counselor as well.
But if the issues you want to talk about relate to the marriage at all then to keep them secret defeats the purpose of counseling.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 April 2015): I once saw a programme, years ago now, about couples undergoing marriage counselling. The therapists, for the first session, interviewed wife and husband separately, and assured them that everything they said in the session would remain absolutely confidential between therapist and wife and/or therapist and husband. Each parter was encouraged, in confidence, to tell the therapist about how they really felt about their partner, in the knowledge the partner would never be told that information. And to disclose anything they felt they didn't want their partner to know about, for example through fear of 'rocking the boat' and/or of the other partner leaving them or seeking revenge.Of course, in the next programme/session, the counsellors sat down with the other partners and told them exactly what the husband and/or wife had said 'in confidence' and that they didn't want their spouse to find out about.At first both husbands and wives were absolutely mortified and VERY angry with the therapists. They feared all the things that had stopped them from being open and honest first time around.BUT, what happened after that was that, with those things out in the open, each partner felt like they had nothing to lose anymore and, when it became evident that the other partner was not going to leave or seek revenge etc. a far deeper level of trust began to build between the couples and a much richer sense of intimacy.So, much as you may feel like you don't want your wife to know certain things, bear this example in mind; if you are not prepared to be totally honest with her, how can you expect the same from her? And how exactly do you expect a REAL intimacy to grow, along with transparent ways of communicating with one another? To reiterate what Honeypie asked: WHY don't you want your wife to know certain things? What is it that you fear losing/what do you fear she will do?
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (22 April 2015):
I think if you make an appointment and spell it out that you wish to discuss things that YOU DO NOT want brought up in the "couples session" your counselor has to respect that boundary and privacy.
BUT... He is my point of view. IF these things you want to talk to the counselor about are PART of the reason WHY you and your wife doesn't work together WHY keep them secret? Aren't you going to a couples counseling to "fix" the issues?
WHY don't you want your wife to know?
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