A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Everyone tells me that i am a very beautiful women and i have a good personality. I was in an abusive relationship for many years, but finally got out. My ex even used to worry about other men looking at me whilst we were out shopping! I am not a show off or anything like that in fact i consider myself to be a simple, hardworking and friendly person. The only problem i have is that every single guy that i start to date trys to control me and i just end it then straight away although i do try to tell them that i like them. maybe i dont get involved with another guy for a year or whatever but the same thing happens every time. my question is can good looking girls make men insecure and jealous and what can you do about it?
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insecure, jealous, my ex Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Red Green 0289  +, writes (21 September 2009):
Ok, I'm no mental professional, but here's what I've learned over the years...First, we all seem to be attracted to people that stimulate memories from our past. There's a certain comfort that these personality traits stimulate. You may be unknowingly attracted to the same personalties, all of which end up wanting to control you.However, there may be other explanations... First, your question, can a beatiful woman make a man insecure? My first anwser was YES, of course! However, I was thinking short term, like for seconds, or a minuite or two... not for days, months or years. Only the man can make himself insecure for that long, and then only he can fix the problem.So, what else could this be... you might be overly senstive to things that you fear are signs of being controlling, due to your bad relationship. Is there a chance that your jumping ship too fast when you sense the slightest possibility of a truly controlling BF? have you discussed your past with any of these guys, and told them that you might be prone to panic should they do anything that triggers these old memories? You might want to consider how to share this part of your personality with a BF, so that he can be aware of what might tirgger you and work with you when that happens. I think it would be a MAJOR sign of growth and recovery if you could get to a point that when your triggered that you could stop, note what's going on and share it with him. It sounds like it could be a real growth tool.Some guys are just not relationship material. Jealous men may be off the menu for you... as they don't seem to work with your personality.Good Luck!
A
male
reader, Illithid +, writes (21 September 2009):
 I've always been intimidated by attractive women, but that's only a result of some low self+esteem and having had some messy breakups before. Men usually want attractive women, but know that a good looking girl can much more easily replace her man than the man can find another attractive woman. Jealousy is normal, but the more a guy feels he's dating someone out of his league, the more paranoid he can become.It's been more my problem that I put women on pedestals than that I control them. But I can see how some men would hope to gain the upper hand so you can't easily leave them. They do say beauty is a curse.All I can say is good luck, I hope you find a guy that can be balanced with you. If you can convince the guy that you love him and aren't leaving him, he may relax and trust that you aren't just settling for him.
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A
male
reader, DoubleM +, writes (21 September 2009):
 When and if you find a man you care about and love, and providing that he at least pleases you sexually and keeps you generally happy, then it is possible for a man to feel secure. This is a complicated topic.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 September 2009): I am in much the same situation as you, even down to the long term abusive relationship I finally got out of. With all this experience you now have of men trying to control you, if you stop and think about it, you now know a lot of warning signs for that kind of behaviour. There are rare men out there who won't show these warning signs early on and they are the ones you should go for. They are comfortable within themselves and are willing to trust in your choice to be with them. I met one of them about 6 months ago - he has a lot of confidence and female friends, which seems to help them stay grounded and see how destructive jealousy is. We can go out dancing together and if another guy asks me to dance with him, he will shrug his shoulders and say it's up to me. He knows I will come back to him 3 minutes later. I've tried reassuring jealous boyfriends to insane lengths. It does nothing to help the situation... sometimes it even seems to make things worse! It all depends on the guy. I think you need to look out for guys you normally wouldn't date. Maybe even be bold and start talking to someone who doesn't seem like the type to normally try and chat you up.
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