A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:Hi, I've been married for 22 years, and found out my husband had an affair over a year ago. We have had a lot of good counselling and are due to go back to see her tomorrow. We are now separated and it is a relief to me not to have him around; I’m enjoying my own space. He is still seeing ‘the other woman.’ I used to act like a private detective and check up on him a lot. I’ve stopped doing that, which I think shows that I am starting to let go, but I still wake every night with thoughts of him and what I should do going round in my head. I wish I could let go but can’t quite do it. We know that the problems in our marriage arose largely because of his very controlling mother, who gave him very little, if any attention as a child. His ‘woman’ can give him the nurturing and adoration that he has craved all his life, so I understand that it is very difficult for him to give her up and I feel sympathy for him and in no way want revenge. He has had a hard time since leaving the family home and now says that he wants to re-negotiate his way back into the marriage. He’s not really a bad man, he's made bad decisions, admits he has made a mistake and wishes he could turn back the clock. He says he doesn't love her any more and would like to finish with her but doesn't want to hurt her. She doesn't know that my husband and I still communicate (apparently she'd be horrified) so he is leading a double life of lies. I have been very patient and have tried hard to understand, but feel that we can’t work on the relationship any more while this woman is lurking in the background.My question is that when we meet for counselling tomorrow should say that unless he gives up the other woman there is no point in going any more? The longer his affair goes on the more distant I am becoming from him, although I still feel jealous when I think of them together. I don’t know if I want to give him up or not at this stage. I do know that I would have him back if he was truly repentant and willing to work on the problems that his upbringing caused. I’m scared that if I lay down ultimatums he will go into another depression, but clearly he can’t focus fully on our relationship while he is in one with another woman. It’s so difficult when you’re emotionally involved and so I want some dispassionate opinions, please! Thanks.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi Crimsonkiss and thanks for this honest answer. I've never spoken to the 'other woman' so would be really interested to hear more about your side of things. You see, I find it really hard to imagine going anywhere near a man who is married, to me it would be out of bounds and I'd tell him to sort out his marriage before got emotionally involved. What sort of lying must go on to convince an intelligent woman to even begin to contemplate such a relationship? Surely once you realise the lies that have been told you back off? Or are you in too deep by then? As you can tell, I'm trying hard to understand and not condemn. I’m just sort of wondering if a liar is always going to be just that (perhaps because of past conditioning…who knows?) I’m trying to protect myself and not get hurt any more before I take him back. I’d really like to hear from you again.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2009): Hi, I've been the 3rd party in a split self affair, and can tell you that it I was not a "bit on the side" - it was a love affair, not an addiction, though it may have become that in the end with all the drama. You can criticize me all you want - but love is blinding, and emotional connections for some of us aren't that easy to come by. I've finally taken myself out of the equation, so that he can destroy his marraige himself - as he's still lying to his wife. Most 3rd parties in SSA's are in love with the straying partner, and for myself I was led to believe the marraige was over before we got involved (they did file for divorce - though he's done the flip - flop thing a few times, and his betrayal of me as well as his wife led me to end the affair). I wish you luck, as from all that I've read you need to connect with him on an emotional level, and counseling is the way to go.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi thanks to you all for the answers. The last person has summed it all up. That is exactly the situation -it's a split self affair. He's not a bad man, he just can't seem to help himself. Anyway, we've both read the links, they were really, really helpful so thanks again. We realise he will have to have professional help to get over his inner turmoil, so have made that decision.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 April 2009): Wow, I really feel for you - going through the same thing after being together 38 years - married for 31 - What was very helpful for me was to read about Split Self Affairs - the cheating spouse often can't make a decision and flip-flops back and forth because he wants the affair for his unmet emotional needs that are rooted in childhood, and he wants his wife and family to meet his rational needs. Unfortunately, from what I have read, these are the worst kinds of affairs when it comes to saving a marriage - they may last a lifetime, even if the cheater tries and claims to have given it up - Sounds very negative, but was helpful to me to know exactly what I am dealing with - However, reading the psych books suggest that there may be hope if both are in individual therapy - I wish you all the best - and I have attached a couple of Web links that may be helpful -
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-srv/zforum/national/infidelity0901.htm
http://www.affairs-help.com/married.html
http://books.google.com/books?id=qco0WSl4wKsC&pg=PA55&lpg=PA55&dq=split+self+affairs&source=bl&ots=a_vRG3DBEt&sig=nH2hC56aY8XVWlredxrHlR3aG8o&hl=en&ei=jwzgSeOfIOWEmQf4rtD0BA&sa=X&oi=book_result&ct=result&resnum=7#PPP16,M1
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2009): hi, glad that there was some progress.
but i am so mad that he "supposedly" went to her last night. I just want to shake man and tell him to get real.
(sorry, just had to vent).
while you wait to solve your marriage issues, how about also investing in some "me" time. join a grp of friends for some fun, i love the dancing concept to get away from it all, . also try to find the "real" you during this time. life and time is so precious, while you are helping your h/b, help yourself too. live a little for yourself and smile and grow to love yourself. this is a battle that will not be won overnight but you can also find yourself during this difficult period.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 April 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi and thanks for all the answers. How nice that you even bothered to check up on how things are today. What kind, caring people you must be. It was really helpful to see things from the outside.
The session was positive, but he has an addiction, just like to alcohol, or any drug of choice. I’ve talked to our grown up children today about it. As a family we are going to try and help him get off the drug, but it’s his choice. I suspect he’s with her again this evening and that feeling of suspicion and betrayal is hard to overcome. He’s not living with her, by the way. We’ve bought a house together to ‘do up’ and he’s living there, with no heating, hot water or any mod cons. So that is having an affect on his health. I realise that I am again focusing on him, sorry it’s habit!
What do I want? I want the husband that I know he can be, deep down inside. But realise it will take a lot of work and determination on both sides. I have said today that I’m willing to give it a go. We don’t know the outcome, but my feeling is that after 25 years we owe it to each other to leave no stone unturned and I would give that advice to anyone else faced with the same situation. Thanks again to you all for the answers. xxx
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 April 2009): the counselling session was today wasn't it, how did it go? How was he toward you and did you issue the ultimatum - the OW or you, the wife?
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 April 2009):
Why do you have to give him ultimatums? He should want to come back because he wants to. He seems to always have an excuse, if it’s not his mother, it’s his bit on the side. You asked how to let go. Well all you have to do is get off the merry go round with its imaginary destination. Your man .....her man is selling both of you a story ,he is juggling you both in the air because he is unhappy. He will only come right when he realises that only he can make himself happy. No one else can, not you or this other women.
You can continue going round and round or you can just stop the merry go round and get off. You only get one chance at living a life and what’s great is you can choose how you live it. In my eyes he has made his choice, he does not want to hurt his bit on the side. WHAT ABOUT YOU?? He has hurt you and continues to do so,because you let him.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 April 2009): Unless you are willing to let your husband to have an open relationship, his affair will make ur relationship impossible. Since clearly you are not Ok with such a thing, yea his affair has to stop. Quite a few women in my place, knowingly let their husbands have affairs. So I believe it is possible for some women.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 April 2009): A marriage is between 2 people, your husband has a 3rd party in his life currently. While he wants to re- negotiate his way into your marriage again, surely he can only do this by giving up the OW. How can he still indulge in his affair yet try to work out details of your marriage. You seem very tolerant and understanding about his affair, you have also acknowledged reasons for him staying with the OW. You know when we are young(er) we can always blame our childhood for our problems. But once we identify the errors/problems of the past, should we then stop making excuses for our problems presently (in your husband’s case, the issue about his mother). When we mess up/ make bad decisions we try to look for an outlet and lay blame elsewhere. Is this what your husband has done to explain away his infidelity? He even has you convinced of this yet he still sees this woman. Surely you can see that he has the best of both worlds. In essence it is like an alcoholic who wants to give up drinking, yet chooses to spend his/her time in a bar, how then does this person not indulge in the very thing that he/she has to give up. Same too your husband, he knows that he has to give up the OW, yet he continues to see her, even though he knows that this is destroying his marriage. Surely he cannot "blame" his controlling mother for his continuing affair. Does this OW know about your counselling sessions together? He doesn't want to hurt her by ending it but what about you. Are you the constant doormat that he is used to? The ever understanding and faithful wife who will always be there no matter how much he has messed up?Without really giving him the ultimatum to give up the OW, how do you move forward in this relationship?Would it not be better that he moves out from living with her to moving into a place of his own while he sorts out his emotions and way forward. In this way he can be away from you and her as well and make head or tail of what/who he really wants. You come across as wanting to do the right thing here, but you are investing into too much of "tolerance" for him. You are naturally scared, but need some sort of closure to this chapter in your life. You are in your "mature" years and still have a lot to offer in life. How much longer do you continue to play this docile wife role and "waste away" your precious years? Surely your life is more important and more precious than playing the waiting game for your husband to finally choose, either his lover or his wife?Your husband has hit the jackpot with such an understanding wife who doesn’t mind the humiliation, the betrayal, the hurt and pain. That is the message you are sending to him. And he will continue with the OW until you show him that you mean business – work on the marriage or walk away from it. For the past year you have been timid, surely it is time now to act. Act to salvage the marriage and your pride. Take charge of the situation. I don’t know your husband but it seems as though he has carefully manipulated you, basically like a con man. In life we have choices, he is still debating his, what about you? Do you appear to be strong, and fight for what you want or do you remain weak and allow him to bulldoz you into the meek little wife that he is used to? Your future is at stake and only you can decide on the path that you are taking. Be strong, act strong and not meek/ timid. Surely your right to happiness (with whomever) should take preference over your husband. It’s time you stopped being so selfless and be selfish for a change. Give him the ultimatum. If he doesn’t agree to it, then you have your answer. He was after all just stringing you along. You just called his bluff!
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reader, lotus mama808  +, writes (1 April 2009):
 Wow, you are a very unique person! I don't know many ladies who are okay and understanding with their husband seeing another lady. How very selfless of you. On the other hand, you make a perfect doormat. What is their to council if he is not making any effort in the process? And why do you care if he goes into a depression? I understand not wanting to get revenge on him, but but what you're doing is damaging yourself, for him! Remember, we all create our own realities, and if he is down, or depressed, it isn't something that you can fix, only he can fix it. He made this mess. If you continue to put in all your efforts, and make excuses for his completely unappropriate behavior, you will end up with no self esteem, self respect, etc. Move on, let him damage his own life, and if you love him and have this deep concern for him, be a friend, and leave it at that. You seem like a very good person, and I'd hate to hear that you were walked all over by this very selfish man.
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reader, Auntie Soph +, writes (1 April 2009):
 He is treating you terribly and you shouldnt let him.Im sorry if this sounds mean but he may be a troubled guy and have alot on his plate but he cant keep having an affair whats the use in counseling when it is only him that's being unfaithful you should definitely say that tomorrow but be assertive and be there for him but you need to know if its her or you he wants because he will just end up hurting you and "the other woman" you need to stand up or he will keep crawling all over you bbe. You need to be happy and no matter how much you like him he needs to know what he can and can't do and having an affair is not something he can do. xxx
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reader, MissLouise +, writes (1 April 2009):
Of course its hard for you, you were married for 22 years, and its hard for you to let go because even though he's not there, you must still love him in some way. I know how it feels with the controlling mothers, as my partners mother is the same, but you just have to remember you have one life and you cant let other people run it for you, just get out there and live it, forget about him, he was obviously not good enough for you.And as for him wanting to get back in to the marriage with you, i don't think that you should let him, if he has upset you that much then you need someone better, i'm sorry if i have been to harsh, but i hope i helped in some way!
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