A
male
age
51-59,
*nquisitor
writes:Hi,I am in the depths of despair and hopelessness right now and I could really use some feedback from others who have been here.I have found out my wife of 16 years is cheating on me. To give some background, I was her first lover (and first boyfriend too), so she lacked relationship experience.Now she has taken a man who is 30 years older than I am. She is extremely secretive about the relationship and will not give it up. The pain I am experiencing is on par with what I experienced with the death of a parent. But she doesn't really care. Not to say she is inhumane, she will console me if I come to her in a blubbering mess, but she will not accept that she is causing the pain.She has been seeing this man for about 3 weeks. So the affair is quite new. And, as I mentioned, with her lack of relationship experience, she is getting a major love drug rush right now. Unbeknownst to her I am privy to the private email exchanges between her and her lover. I can see from the exchanges that I have long since been left behind, she is totally under this guys spell. He feeds her all the loving responses and she laps it up as if she was mainlining heroin.The painful thing is that I can now see how I may have neglected my wife and caused this whole mess upon myself. (I was never unfaithful, though). It's a complicated thing. My wife never complained or gave me any feedback, so rightly or wrongly, I was unaware there were problems. This is a communication problem on both sides. Unfortunately it built up to the point that it exploded into the mess I am facing right now.I love this woman with all my heart. It crushes me beyond words to see her seeking solace elsewhere that I should be providing her. It makes me want to crawl under a rock and die.My wife is completely withdrawn from me, and now there are huge trust issues. We try to be civilized, holding hands and so on, but I can never tell if it is a facade. We still have sex and it is explosive and aggressive like I have not witnessed since the days when we were first together. But she won't let me give her hickeys or things like that. She doesn't say so, but I think it's probably because she doesn't want her lover to see my mark on her.I own up to the fact I made failures on my part, even though I don't know what they are yet. It does not give her the right to cheat on me. We will start counseling in 2 days. Right now I have to be happy for little things and consider myself lucky she goes at all. She has said there is a chance to save the marriage, but I won't know what it means until counseling. She has told me other times that she is at a crossroads and wants an open marriage. I think this is because she wants to experience more men in her life because she did not do that as a youth.I've never been to counseling and would like to hear from others about it and how it might relate to my turmoil. I really see I have obviously made major mistakes that need to be identified. However, I am fearful that my wife will make the whole marriage saving effort (within the counseling sessions) conditional on whether or not I let her pursue other lovers. In such a case it's rather an ultimatum. I am willing to do what is necessary on my part. But with my wife under such a spell right now, she feels she has more love to go around than our marriage needs. She wants lovers. I need to build a connection back to my wife but I feel I cannot do that if she will not see the harm in what she is doing. Can a counselor really help us? Sometimes I think it's like deprogramming a cult member or something. Can a counselor help her to see the terrible harm this is causing, or are we better off trying counseling after the love drug has worn off?I am in so much pain right now. I cry a lot and it is intense pain. I don't want to keep going to my wife for comfort as I don't want to appear as the weaker party and I suspect that as long as she sees how much pain I am in, she feels safe in the affair. It's kind of like she knows she has control over me. But yet I need to unload to someone and I live in a city where I don't have any friends. Hence I seek advice here.I've touched a lot of topics, and am grateful for feedback on any parts of it. Please help me.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (18 April 2011):
 My marriage just ended over such a thing. Not to be the bearer of bad news but I took a lover... I was open about it with my husband. He could not cope. (of course he coped just fine when we were in an open marriage and he had his lady friends and i looked the other way but add a man to the mix and he could no longer cope)you need to go to a counselor... alone at first.you need to tell your wife you can't do it. and be strong enough to separate if needed.Had my husband not left me I would have continued my affair... the truth is I did not even try to stop my husband when he said he was leaving.IF you could cope with this and be open and honest and work with her the NRE (new relationship energy) your wife is experiencing with her new partner could potentially spill over and enhance your marriage... but that's a poly lifestyle thing that most folks are not able to cope with.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 April 2011): Take it from a guy who was doing the same thing as her in my 15 year marriage...she is not in earnest about the counseling if she talks about an open marriage. Our counselor made me commit to my wife and her that I would work on the marriage. I agreed, but was weaning off my relationship with my mistress at the same time (maintained phone contact only). My wife found the phone bills, and it ended the trust and the counseling and the marriage was over. Even though I said I would commit, and was truly interested in exploring counseling and saving my marriage if it could be saved, my heart was not in it because I subconsciously knew my marriage was not what I wanted. WHat I'm trying to say is, if she is committed, she will commit fully. If she does not, you guys will not get through counseling with your marriage intact. THat does not mean dont go to counseling. Counseling is a means to an end. Sometimes that end is for you two to split. The goal of counseling is to find the best path forward in your relationship...not necessarily to bring you back together. Counseling merely allows you a forum to understand each other fully so you can make the best decision about your future. A counselor will probably tell her outright that if she intends, or even prefers to have an open marriage against your wishes, the marriage can never be resolved. It will end right there because there can be no progress toward rejoining you two if she cannot commit. The counselor at that point may counsel you two separately to help you find separate paths...or not.It takes two to marry, two to divorce and two to want to go in a direction together. You are not acting as two. She is pursuing other interests. It is up to you whether you can accept this. THe sad thing is, this sexual or attention fascination WILL wear off after a while, and the scar it leaves on your marriage will be indelible. The marriage is forever changed. You have to accept teh change and move forward.I wish you luck. It will get better. It may get worse first, but hang in there. A world of love and happiness awaits both of you...remember that.
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A
female
reader, Gabry  +, writes (18 April 2011):
Totally agree with the first reply... Dont want to add much, just let her know that u love her and are willing to work it out but if she wants to screw around instead, then u are better off without her.There are so many diseases out thea, plus ur dignity is vital. Pull ur self worth up, you deserve to be respected!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 April 2011): Go to counselling, but whatever you do... do NOT accept any form of open marriage, or lovers, or anything that does not directly involve you.
What she is feeling now is untapped lust. She is getting older and she is feeling the pressure to compete with women that are likely young and more sexually attractive than she views herself as. This man, whether he truly feels this way or not, is feeding her only what she wants to hear. And in her emotional state (mid-life crisis) she is lapping it up and trying to get back a youth she will never have.
It is sad, understandable, but not right. Whatever the problems in the marriage, and whoever's fault, cheating is wrong and should carry severe punishments and consequences.
I would offer HER an ultimatum. She dumps this Casanova and tries to reinvigorate the marriage, or you divorce leave her with the knowledge that she destroyed an entire lifetime of relationship for a few moments of lust. Willingly.
She needs to understand what she is missing out on and what she stands to lose. By sleeping with her and allowing her to console you because of what SHE is doing, then all you are doing is confirming in her mind that she can get away with these things and you will still be there if and when it fails.
Separate and make it clear that she cannot be part of your life if she is willing to disregard the promises she made before you, your families and your chosen deity on the day you married. Tell her she is being immature and selfish and you will not put up with that.
If, seeing the pain and heartache she is causing you (and your family if you have kids... I mean how can she explain to her kids she's that their mother is a damned cheating hussy?) and the relationship by pursuing her basic instincts above her relationship, she STILL continues on this course, then its time to divorce and find someone who can give you what you deserve and require.
But remember, whatever happens, you will have to forgive her eventually. You may not have to go back to her, or love her anymore, but you will never properly move on as long as you harbour hate in your heart.
Flynn 24
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