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anonymous
writes: Please could you tell me if im the cause of my marriage problems?The situation is I'm 25 and this is my first marriage and my husband's 2nd. We have 2 children, a 3yr old and a 13 month old. I do everything that a housewife does and I also work. My husband never helps with the chores or the kids and I feel he treat me like a slave.After the bith of our second child we started arguing a lot because now I've started to ask him to help me out around the house. If i talk to him nicely he says yeah yeah yeah and then he does nothing, and if I get upset he says I'm nagging.On 3 occasions when we argue hes hit me and now recently I have found out he's had an affair.I'm trying to forgive and forget but everything's still the same. He's only happy when I do everything and serve him and if I ask him to help me he says I'm irritating and that's why he cheated in the first place. Or sometimes he tells me he hates me with no apology at all. It doesnt matter how I speak to him if I'm passive or aggresive he still gets angry and says I mentally abuse him. Am I really irritating or am I allowing him to take my confidence?please e-mail me back, im so confused.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A reader, pitsy, writes (20 February 2005): You have to go. I can hear myself in you. Please leave.Your kids will be fine. That is not love! No one who loves you would treat you that way. He is abusive, and not just once. He is taking all your confidence and trying to make a slave of you. If he loved you he wouldn't cheat, he would help you, and he wouldn't insult you. Your life will get better and it won't be easy to start with, but do it. Leave him. First he hits you, then what next: the kids ? You try to talk to him and he says you are nagging. Well maybe you wouldn't have to if he was any sort of a human!Ggod bless you and give you the strength to help yourself. LEAVE HIM. love to you x
A reader, Starr, writes (18 February 2005): Girl, you are allowing this poor excuse of a man to run all over you and cheat.He is being allowed by you to feel that if you make him upset,it's alright to go out and cheat on you.This guy obviously does not give a d---- about you or your happiness.What are you waiting for to leave him?You said yourself that he doesn't help you at all and you handle the kids and work,so what do you need him for?Girl you'd better leave because it can only get worse.Please believe everything that I am saying to you,I've been through it and I know.Never allow a man to do you this way.You are not meant to be hit,treated like a slave,or cheated on.Don't let him lower your self esteem.The same way he wanted you at first,is the same way someone else will want you,you don't have to put up with it and you don't want your kids to grow up thinking that that behavior toward a woman is acceptable.This could hurt them in the future.Don't feel that you need to stay because of the kids,Thats what he wants you to think.He wants to lower your demeanor so that he can continue to treat you this way and get away with it.Believe me,you do not want to waste your life away in a marriage that is doomed.Please if you don't take heed to anything else in life,do take heed to what I am saying.Do you and your kids a favor and leave before things get worse.
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A reader, SHeri, writes (18 February 2005): Dear Confused, I too am in a similar situation and I think the only thing you can do is leave. I know it's probably something you think you can't do because of the kids or because of money. Believe me it isn't gonna be easy but you can do it there are a lot of resources out there to help women with violent husbands. Like they say, once a cheater, always a cheater is true! I went through it for 9 yrs. where my husband has even slept with my cousin and my very over weight best friend. And the mental abuse won't get any better either; it's only gonna bring your self esteem down and make you feel even worse about yourself then you'll really feel like you can't leave...PLEASE take my advice and seek counseling and also call your local women's center to find out resource for single mothers with abusive partners... I HOPE ALL GOES WELL FOR YOU....Sheri
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A reader, Kate, writes (17 February 2005): Firstly I just want to say that you are NOT the cause of your marriage problems. You are just naturally asking for help from him but because you have let him not do anything for so long he is treating you like a slave.Secondly he is sapping you of your confidence by mentally abusing you which is as bad as physical violence (which you say he has done three times, and he could do it again)because he is doing it in private. He has no right to put you down like he does and that to me indicates that part of it is being guilty of his affair that he had.If you can, contact the Domestic Violence helpline who can listen to you and guide you in the right direction.Remember you are not at fault and I hope you are able to contact a helpline like this to help you. Best of luck you deserve to be happy not living in fear all the time.
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