A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:When men get defensive, is that a sign of guilt? My b/f's ex girlfriend tried to I.M him the other night for the first time, in like 6-8 months. She has never completely disappeared from his life, but continues to re-surface from time to time, which I don't like. And because I was sitting right there with my b/f and we were on the computer together, he hit the "ignore" button. It's been a couple of weeks now, but lately I've had to work overtime in the evenings, and he's at home for hours surfing the web. So last night, I asked him casually if she had sent him anymore messages. He flew off the handle and got angry because I asked. It made him look guilty. He told me he doesn't like being 'questioned' and I calmly told him, I don't like his ex-girlfriend interfering in our relationship by trying to lure him into some kind of little on-line affair, so life is full of things we don't like. But until she stops trying to contact him altogether, I'm going to occasionally ask. If he would tell her to go away, I'd quit asking. I also think if he has nothing to hide, then a simple, "no she hasn't" would suffice and I'd drop it. By him losing his temper, I think he's guilty of chatting with her. What do you think?
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female
reader, sexi  +, writes (14 September 2007):
 Hi
No problem.Dont worry, people may say that you are going over the top by looking at his phone and emails but i think that if your mind is kept at ease and you feel secure with what you see (and what you dont) then it's not a problem.Believe me, i do the same thing.Im not paranoid but i just like to (my bf does the same thing) We basically believe that if we arent doing anything then why should we hide our phones from each other. Hope this helps you.
Good Luck,Mail me if you wanna talk
A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 September 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all so much for your help. To "Salad Barbarian" no, I would not react in the same defensive manner if I was the one being accused, and I have been accused before. Since I know I'm not guilty, I don't have a problem staying calm and simply explaining the situation (whatever it is) so it will put his mind at ease. I know things are going to come up in any relationship that might make a partner have doubts, or fears but getting defensive just adds more fuel to the problem. Apparently my b/f hasn't figured this out yet.
To "Sexi" thanks for helping me realize that some people are just more reactionary than others when faced with confrontation. Since I wasn't accusing my b/f of doing anything wrong, (because he actually didn't do anything wrong) I didn't think my casual question was confrontational, but apparently he did.
And to both of you, I do check his e-mails and phone records periodically now (though I hate to have to resort to this) and I'm hoping that after a month of doing this, I will be able to relax and go back to trusting him like normal.
Thanks again for all your great advice. I will keep an eye on things for awhile and hope for the best.
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A
female
reader, sexi +, writes (13 September 2007):
Hi
Im the type of person that get defensive especially when i get accused for something that i am not doing.Like last night my bf accused me of having something to do with my ex.I hit the roof and wanted to end things with him (which in a way made it seem like i did) but the reason that i reacted that way was because i was hurt that he would even think that. In your case you had a reason to casual ask so he shouldnt have reacted the way he did - It was not like you accused him you were just finding out. You should surf the net and see if there is anything that would make you suspect their communication.
Regards
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 September 2007): Imagine if he had accused you of cheating. Would you be calm about it? Or would you be upset and hurt? In my experience when a person is trying to hide something he or she will act calm to cover up what ever it is. If you really think he is cheating then either search for evidence or just break up with him without knowing for sure one way or the other.
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A
male
reader, Frank B Kermit  +, writes (12 September 2007):
 Nope. Men can get defensive just by being accused or nagged. Men and women experience anger and rage differently. A man is not more honest with angery...in my experience that applies more to women as they are usually the ones that have more secrets to hide.
This does not mean your BF is or is not lying about something.
Just pointing out that a man losing his temper is not a an admission or denial of guilt.
I wrote about exactly this subject in my book: Everything Out Of Her Mouth is a Test: A Man's Guide to the EMotional Needs of Women.
-Frank B Kermit
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 September 2007): Ohhhh hellll yesss when men get defensive it is indeed a sure sign of guiltiness! He's guilty honey. I have caught my ex's a few times cheating or attempting to, and all of them got pissed and defensive as hell when I confronted them with my findings~!!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 September 2007): May be or may be not. It is difficult to tell just based on an angry reaction. You explain your position clearly to him and then be calm. Give him space and time to think. He should address the situation well.
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