A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My bf has a wondering eye, which he has tried to curb and does his best, but I still catch him doing it. I've just been diagnosed with breast cancer and I know after I start my chemotherapy, I will lose my hair and eventually if the chemo is successfull, I will have a full mastectomy. My bf is being supportive but I don't know if dealing with all this past hurt has contributed towards the cancer and I feel even more desperate now that he will be looking at pretty girls, when I am less of a women with no hair and no breast. So, instead of concentrating on getting better and fighting this, I am still worrying and I constantly say to him, how will he cope when I'm bald with one breast. He says he loves me and he'll be there for me, but we went out yesterday and he looked at several women (enough for their bf's to notice). It wasn't a stare but he had noticed them. I can't fight cancer with this feeling of dread I have over him doing this. I made a comment yesterday again about how he likes to look at pretty girls and I'll soon be less of a woman, but he said no one compared to me, but that wasn't enough to convince me. I'd be grateful for any comments please. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 October 2010): Thank you so much QueenKatie, your response made me cry as it made so much sense. I am so sorry your family have had to deal with this terrible disease. Your words of encouragement to me were exactly what I needed to hear and you have given me strength. My bf loves me and we spoke again last night. He is stressed and anxious too but told me that he will always be my rock. I explained I didn't need any hurt in my life right now with regard to him looking at pretty girls. It's been his habit of a lifetime and he has tried so hard to change this, that I have to give him credit for this. And as I am preparing to do battle with Cancer, I can't imagine my rock not being in my life right now. I guess we'll work through this. Thanks again to all for taking the time to respond.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 October 2010): I am so, so sorry to hear the sad news about your diagnosis. Almost everyone in my family has had cancer, and my Mum had breast cancer a few years back, so I know at first hand how devastating and frightening it is as a disease.
The first thing I have to say to you is that in my experience of watching other people deal with cancer (and a large number of people in my family have had it), the first part is the worst. The diagnosis is a huge shock, and it's a terrifying adjustment that you have to make. Don't feel bad about that - even the strongest people struggle and are emotionally all over the place. It is normal to have feelings of rage, frustration, emotional devastation, depression, anxiety, and huge insecurity. In many cases, these feelings get focused outwards, on other objects than the illness itself, which is their main cause - there is probably some displacement of your fears for your health in your anxieties about your boyfriend, for instance. It's almost like the mind is too stressed to deal with the fear of cancer, so fixates on something external and closer to home. I'm absolutely not saying that there isn't a real anxiety there for you - just that right now there is absolutely no way that anyone in your position could come to terms with what they've just been told is happening to them medically, and the level of anxiety that you are experiencing right now means that you're in an emotional state where everything feels terrifying and unmanageable.
Secondly, just because a guy looks at other women does NOT mean that he wants to be unfaithful to you. I'm not saying it's OK or pleasant for you, but do remember that many very faithful guys have a roving eye, but keep their transgressions firmly in the realm of the visual only. Your boyfriend clearly loves you for who you are - that's why he's with you, and not with these other women. I know this may sound bizarre - and I'm not just finding a silver lining when I give you this advice - do NOT underestimate the power of your own courage and strength as attractive forces to men. Real sexiness, of the kind that builds lasting marriages founded on real admiration rather than disrespectful boob-staring, isn't about red lipstick, a wonderbra, and a blondeness straight out of a bottle. It's about how you deal with the big things in life, and right now you are handling this with tremendous bravery, and grace, and dignity. That makes you awesome in everyone's eyes, most of all his.
I know that losing your hair feels like a total violation of your femininity. Chemo is cruel, brutal to both the body and the mind. The important thing to remember is that to those close to you, there will hardly be any difference, because they love you for who you are. All they will care about is your wellbeing. So keep talking to them about your feelings. Some people find it helpful to have their hair cut shorter before they go through chemo, because it gives them more time to get used to the new look, feels like they have more control, and keeps it neater. It's up to you, though.
I also suggest a shopping trip, to buy some fabulous wigs in every colour of the rainbow. You can be a sexy blonde one day, a raven-haired mysterious brunette the next, and a fiery redhead on the weekend. You can be short, long, however you feel. You can have a pink bob if you want! If you're worried about bringing your boyfriend on board, why not use it as an excuse to act out some of his fantasies in the weeks where you feel up to that? I highly doubt he'll be looking anywhere else with you dressed as a sexy schoolgirl in blonde pigtails! Also, do remember that the hairloss is for a relatively short amount of time: and when it does grow back, it is often more luxuriant, thicker and ever so slightly curlier than before! Plan some new styles for the future.
The surgery won't make you less of a woman. In the eyes of any man remotely worthy of the name, it will be a sign of your tremendous strength, courage, and resilience. Listen to your guy when he says that no-one compares to you: in his eyes, it's true, and that's all that matters! Talk to your surgical team about the operation and your fears, and find out details about how it will be done, and your options regarding reconstructive surgery. Some of the work they can do these days is amazing, and leaves women looking fabulous! Make it clear that you want a neat job: when my mother had her op, one male doctor was going to go in at an angle that would have left a very visible scar because it was quicker- when she raised the fact that she was concerned about this, another female doctor suggested a far less intrusive piece of work, which has left her feeling much more confident.
Keep talking to your boyfriend, asking him for the reassurance you need to feel better. You should be the focus of his attention, love, and care right now, and hopefully he'll give you all the tenderness and attention you need to help you through this. It's moments like these that sort the men from the boys!
Finally, this is YOUR time. You are fighting a big battle here, and you shouldn't have to put up with any crap. From anyone. Remember that! Also, realize this: ultimately, you can't choose how people behave around you. You can't control the situation. But what you can do is to control how you react. So keep your chin up, girl, and focus on the big stuff, namely putting one foot heroically in front of the other through the treatment. Try to live each day as it comes. Accept that this is a scary time, but you WILL get through it and come out fighting. If you want some inspirational reading matter, try Susan Jeffers *Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway*. It's a lifechanging book, and filled me with strength at a very dark time in my life. I hope it can do the same for you. My thoughts and prayers and hopes are with you. Good luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 October 2010): Men will look at pretty girls... that been said, I have to also say that your bf is not being fair to you.
What you are going through and what you will go through as your treatment progresses you are going to need that love and affirmation of love from him... not the feelings of hurt that your feel when he is oogling other women.
Does your healthcare provider offer counselling, if so, ask them how to help yourself cope with all the changes that are happening to you.
As far as your bf goes, he needs to understand exactly what you are going through, and even if you were not ill, his oogling other women [so much that their bf notice] is not flattering - he is acting like a dirty old man!!
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