A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Bf is currently going through a divorce - his ex-wife is stalling and delaying to sign the final papers. I am trying to understand why she is doing this. I believe this is down to them spelling her middle name wrong which I guess could possibly invalidate their divorce?? hence her being difficult. They have been separated for four years. He told me he decided to divorce her as she stole and took money from him and his mom when they were married via a joint account. He said the reason his divorce has taken so long is not over a harbouring of feelings for one another but that he simply wanted her to pay for it. When he got with me, he told me he was divorced but I have come to know over time that he had simply filed for divorce and started the process while we were dating...he also told me it was his idea to divorce but when I was fixing his computer, I happened to accidentally see correspondance that showed him name call her in anger in an e-mail for stealing money from him calling her a lying manipulative b**c*. She replied calmly and said she wanted to file for divorce. So I actually believe it was her idea to divorce and not so much his. What is upsetting me is why would he lie about this to me if he is so madly in love with me?? did he do this to protect his pride/ego? I guess he feels some sort of shame over what happened as he asked for 'friendship' right after she asked for a divorce. Now he tells me he just wants his divorce to be done and over with. I am worried that once it is final, he will lose interest in our relationship...I doubt he will as I am currently expecting his child which was a total accident. Nevertheless, I would like to feel I was an understanding partner to him rather than a judgemental one. I know we all make mistakes in our relationships so I guess that is why I have avoided speaking about this with him as every time I bring it up even mildly it seems to hit on several nerves so now I say nothing and try to figure out the mess myself. His lawyer is terrible and not keeping him up to date and his mom is worried about why his ex-wife is stalling so much on signing the final papers back. I overheard him stating to his mom that she has no rights over him with regards to property and they have no kids together. He is living with me and currently looking for work so I know she can't sue him for alimony - she on the other hand is working and he told me she is lucky he is not suing her. He said he just wants the divorce done and over with. And although he says this to me, I wonder then why both of them have not cleaned this up sooner between them. What do you people suggest I do? I am trying to stay out of it and keep away until things are all clear and cleaned as I do not want to end up being blamed for a predicament or an outcome I had no part in..I am worried he will project the hurt and pain of that relationship onto our one and bail from the relationship he has with me due to the pain of his divorce. I know he has already doubted our relationship and remained tight-lipped about it. His female platonic friends are now posting on his Facebook wall - how are you getting on over there? cos he hasn't spoken to any of them out of respect for me. He never replied to that thread probably cos he knows I will read his page. Any advice on what I can do would be appreciated?? I worry that cos I live with him I can't keep the distance I want to regarding this situation.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI'm not a fool and I have been anything but easy on him...
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 May 2011): and I guess I am a softie.." Yes you are a softie and a fool. And he know it.
LoveGirl
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 May 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionLovegirl: he was married for two years and separated for four years. He told me the reason the divorce has taken so long is cos he wanted her to pay for it as she had stolen money from him. Once he got with me he filed for divorce from her.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 May 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI think he is not pushing the lawyer harder because it will end up costing him more and he is not in a position to pay more legal fees. He has reassured me that he is in love with me and just wishes for the love of God the divorce would be over and done with. If she does nothing by June 6th it will be a default divorce so what I don't get is even if she wants to be petty and spiteful to get back at him dating someone else - they have been separated for four years..its not like he immediately started going with me...their relationship has been over for a long time - they just didn't make it final and since they both seem so ok about making it final...why give each other more grief??? I actually did dump him the minute I found out he was still married and well he begged me to take him back and said what about the baby and I guess I am a softie and I also didn't want to split this unborn child up from their real dad. My morn after pill failed and the condom broke and I was careful. It wasn't like I didn't take protection at the time but protection can fail sometimes and that is what ended up happening here.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 May 2011): It is not right bringing an innocent into this world when you are not prepared for it. As you say you are feeling trapped. Next time take precautions so that you will not have a bigger mess than already is.
How long is he married for? Are you prepared for the endless supply of lies and half truths?
Him not revealing he was married bec of his ego/ scared you wouldn't start sleeping with him is utter hogwash. Perhaps if you remove your stained glasses you may just see this situation for what it really is.
Honeypie is right: take her advice.
LoveGirl
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (17 May 2011):
 I would honestly, Tell him to give you a call when he REALLY is divorced, if he is still interested in a relationship with you.
As for the baby, take care of yourself and the baby. And take the time to figure out if you really think he's worth waiting for.
It's not uncommon for people to stall in divorces, specially if SHE knows he is already dating someone else. It might be petty or spiteful, but it happens. WHY he is not pushing his lawyer harder, I can't say.
Personally I couldn't/wouldn't sit and wait for a guy to be available. Then again, I would never date a married man. And if I had been in your situation, I would have dumped him the minute I found out he was still married. But that is jsut how see it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI agree with everything you have said thank you. Yes I am ready for the truth even if it hurts. I don't stop to question him every day and I think he knows and sees that. I am assuming he lied to protect his ego/pride from the reality - he knew if he told me the divorce wasn't final I wouldn't have ended up dating him at all. He doesn't know I saw her e-mail either. He is not feeling trapped by me...its the other way around. I am feeling trapped by this situation and its bothering me no end and yes I am stricken with panic. Where/when does it end? is right...and was exactly my thoughts. I am half way through this pregnancy and am finding it v depressing. Any suggestions to resolve this - feel free to throw my way...thanks.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2011): Few things here:
- she is not his "ex wife" . She is still his wife until the divorce decree
- he lied to you by saying he is divorced
-he then lied to you by saying he filed for divorce when you have read proof via email that his wife instituted divorce proceedings.
- you are now panic stricken bec you are pregnant with an unplanned baby. Are you worried that he is now feeling trapped and no way out?
- so much of lies and so many half truths. Where/when does it end?
I think instead of backing away and not confronting this still married man, you need to start questioning him.
The question I have for you: are you prepared for the truth and nothing but the truth?
LoveGirl
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