A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend has two children, aged 11 and 13 and shares custody with his ex-wife. He has no contact with his ex herself, all communication regarding the kids is done through an intermediary (normally the kids or grandparents). I have never met her, although we have some mutual friends. I have met her current husband, before I started dating my boyfriend, however.The problem is, when the kids come home from their mother's house, they repeat various things that she and her husband have said about their dad, me and our relationship - none of them being particularly nice.Now, he says some pretty horrible things about her, too. But never in front of the kids. I am very careful not to say anything negative about either her or her husband to anyone, and to be fair, I've never met the woman, so why would I say bad things about her?I am just starting to form a relationship with his children. I love him and want to be with him, so the children are going to be a part of my life and I want them to like me too. But it's made a lot harder when their mother is constantly putting me down in front of them. Any ideas on how to handle this?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2011): This is the poster of the question.
As for having him talk to her, and why we need an intermediary for the kids - it was a very messy divorce and they still cannot be civil enough to talk to each other, even about things as simple as sorting out who picks the kids up from school. They have no direct contact with each other at all.
I doubt the kids are hoping for their parents to get back together. They divorced seven years ago, when the children were very young, she has obviously moved on as she is remarried and he has had girlfriends since.
I have no desire to take her place as their mother and have made this very clear to the kids - I didn't want them to think I was trying to replace her. I want them to like me, and to be a part of their lives, but they have a mother and it wouldn't be fair to them for me to try and take her place. Also, the main reason they don't like their stepfather is they feel he tried to take their dad's place right away. I don't want to make the same mistake.
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (9 May 2011):
 Honestly I think if things need to be said, it needs to come from your BF. He ought to call her out on it.
Also, the kids might like the drama/chaos this creates. If they still have a mindset that they want mom & dad together they might try and stirr up stuff, if you know what I mean.
I would if the kids started to say what mom & step dad was saying, tell the kids that it's not right to gossip. Nip it in the bud. And then it needs to be discussed by the adults.
It sounds so juvenile.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2011): If she was single and bitter I could understand it a bit, the fact she is in a relationship makes me wonder why she is clearly bitter and why there is a need for an intermediary regarding the children?
The main sufferers are ofcourse the kids, stuck in the middle and you are rightly concerned
I can only suggest that just the 2 parents get together, either alone or with a professional mediator and sort this out before their children are really damaged.Could be the mum feels threatened by you, not as a woman but as another mother to her children,whatever the reason, they need to sort it and fast so you can all move on
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