A
female
age
36-40,
*hayshay
writes:Dear Cupid,I am dealing with so much confusion and heartbreak with my current boyfriend, I don't know what to do.My boyfriend lives about 4 hours away, I am on the main coast and he is on the Island. When we met, he was everything I had been looking for. I was previously married at a young age,and my husband of 3 years had cheated on me, so I told him this right away when we met, so there wouldnt be any secrets and I told him how it was so hard for me to trust, but he said I was worth it and he would take me which ever way I was available. But there was this girl in the picture too. This girl who works 200 meters from his apartment, and who was head over heals in love with him...she is also 3 years his senior..he is 24. At first he told me ...shes psycho and wont take no for an answer...that hes told her about us and that he wanted no more to do with her...and wanted a relationship with me.But..then he would show me her texts and how much she called...and I started to get upset about it...I asked him to stop talking to her...and he said he would not be mean and end a friendship just because I told him tooOne time when I was with him, I noticed that he went away to use the phone...when i checked..it was her number...I was leaving that night and he told me...he was going to drop me off and spend the night at his friend "MARK"'s house...and when I checked his phone again...there was no call to mark...only her numberSo i waited a while and called him at marks house...he didnt pick up but text me instead saying...he was really tired and would call me tommorow.Then she bought him diamond earrings for xmas...and he refused..And recently while I was there...he told me I had to go home early because he had special training that day...and when I asked him who else in his unit had the training he said NOBODY....and I saw him online when he was supposed to be at the training...He told me that he was trying to get the next days off so we could spend them together....but told me they didnt give him the days off...yet when I looked online today...he was there...so obviously he was home...because all his messengers and facebook log in automatically when someone logs into his labtop...So he did get the days off...So I just text him saying...hows work..and he said great thanks....when he wasnt even at work...he liedLast night I called him and told him we needed to talk...but he text me saying..he was tired from work and he will talk to me tommorow....and he wouldnt pick up my calls only text me...I believe he was at his little "friends" house again....This girl texts him and wont leave him alone...and I feel like he is hiding things from me...and keeps her around...we have had tons of screaming matches....and he still denies anything....He says I just am this way because of my past relationship...and am very insecure....and I admit I do look into his phone and email...only because she is always in the picture...and I feel like eventually I will find something....I do love him...But I dont know what to do at this point..and dont know if he is right that I am insecure and just making a big deal out of a friendship....yet this gut feeling is the same I felt with my ex husband.....All i need right now is some good advice and to see how others would see this situation.....ALL advice and suggestions are greatly appreciated
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2009): Ive learnt your instincts are always right!!!!
A
female
reader, ashleyriley  +, writes (16 January 2009):
 It doesn't matter what anyone tells you, you have to make this decision. My advice to you, is to break up with him. I went through the same thing with my first serious boyfriend, and I put my ex boyfriend through that. My first serious boyfriend, Shawn, did all the same things, and it turned out he was cheating on me. After we broke up, it took about 6 mnths to get over it, plus I worked with him, and the girl he was cheating on me with. So, that made it even harder. My ex-boyfriend, Joe, was so in love with me, but I became interested in Donnie, my now husband. Joe lived about an hour away, and Donnie lived 3 minutes away from me. Donnie and I started out as friends, but soon fell in love. At the time, I was still dating Joe. I didn't want to hurt Joe's feelings, so I just stop seeing him as much. I wouldn't answer his calls very often, because I was at donnies house. He would see pictures of donnie, and I would tell Joe that me and donnie were just friends. know I put Joe through hell. I should have jst broke up with him, instead of stringing him along. I just didn't want to hurt his feelings, but it was hurting him more not knowing why I was acting so distant to him. After a couple months, Donnie called Joe and broke up with him for me. I know that was harsh, but i didn't know what to do. I think thats what your boyfriend is doing to you. If you want to see for yourself, go to his apartment, and watch him...dont stalk him....just spy on him. Stay a distance away, so he cant see you. See if she goes to his place, or if he goes to hers. If they are together, call him. See if he lies about where is..which he will. Then tell him you ar not stupid,and tell him you deserve better, and tell him its over. Honestly, he probably wants you to break up with him.....he probably doesn't want to have to be the one to do it himself. It will hurt at first....but it will make you stronger and wiser. Don't let him keep hurting you. You know deep down inside he is cheating on you. Listen to your gut feeling....its always right.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 January 2009): You need to be out of this relationship for two reasons.
1. You are not ready to be in a relationship because you are snooping through email, phone records and so forth. If you are going to be with someone that is not a good habit to get into. You have to either trust the person, and if you cannot then maybe you should not be in that relationship. I am not meaning this as bad toward you or him, just be in a position where you do not feel you have to resort to that. Personally I am not sure that you can love a person that you feel you have to keep tabs on.
I have been in relationships like this before and they end. I have been both the one snooping and the one snooped on. As I have matured I realized that is not healthy and you should only be in a relationship where you feel trust of the person, no judgment and open communication. Once you experience a good, healthy relationship you will look upon what you are in now and shake your head that you could allow such turmoil in your life.
2. Yeah, sounds like he is cheating on you, and if he is not his behavior is very odd. I would say cut the cord, move on. Don't give other chances, just move on, focus on yourself and you will eventually find a better person.
Also it is good to be up front about a previous marriage and your concerns, but my guess is you are going to have to work through trust issues and I would not rush into any relationships. Date many people, have fun. You are young, go out meet different people, build your confidence because I am sure that has been hurt as well with a person cheating on you.
Good luck
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 January 2009): I don't know if he is cheating but I was in a similar situation except that I didn't know about the woman for a year or two. He told me they had gone to breakfast and dinner a couple of times you know while I was at home in his bed or at work. I looked at his phone bill and saw her number multiple times every day. When I confronted him I told him I couldn't tell him what to do but I didn't like it. He still didn't quit talking to her until she told him that if their relationship didn't progress she was moving. He told her to move. I am still with him but I worry every day she will come back or he will find another friend. He may or may not be cheating but because you already have good reason to suspect he is, all I can tell you is that you will never be able to trust him (as will I)My question to the both of us is what kind of relationship is it without trust.
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