A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I are in a LDR for a year and 2 months. It started out slow but now we have spoken about marriage, a child and me moving to his town. Trouble is - in 2 is our most recent fights - he did something to upset me, I got upset, and then he got angry that I got upset!! Switched it around. First time, I was visiting him and HE flirted with a girl in front of me while drunk. He apologized and then I brought up that I didn't like the way he was too friendly with women in bars in general. He then did the cold shoulder - flipping the script on me and getting mad that I told him what to do. This most recent time, he is visiting me for 9 days but also working. I took him for a massage to surprise him. The moment we got there, he started complaining that I didn't tell him to shower first, that the music they were playing sounded like a funeral home, and that this "wasn't his thing". I tried to be nice and not insulted that he was being grumpy and ungrateful. After the massage , I hugged him and said excitedly "how was it?" He complained that we could have done a couple's massage and then that he didn't know what to do and felt awkward since this was his second massage ever. . (He is a control freak). Only when I look devastated and disappointed, did he say "I do appreciate it but never do that again". He was acting angry. So there I am, getting scolded for doing a nice thing and spending $95 dollars on him "just because" he was working 9 days straight and I wanted to relax him. I got quiet and tears rolled down my cheeks. He then wanted to go back to the hotel when I said I wanted to go eat. I yelled "you're going to leave me alone after I just did this nice thing for you?" He then ate with me. We then stayed together that night and he rolled over, didn't hug me, kiss me good night or anything. Tonight we were supposed to spend time together and he said we shouldn't have another night of "no conversation and tension"! So we didn't see each other. Am I nuts here?? What is going on? I do a nice thing (that he didn't love) but now he's punishing me??! Any suggestions ? I feel like this is a power struggle and it shouldn't be.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 April 2018): Simple fact...he gaslighted you.
A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (26 April 2018):
 I would take that as a sign that he didn't really want you to move to him. All he could handle is LDR. He didn't know how to break it off without looking like he's playing with your feelings so he got mad at nothing and gave you the silent treatment.
Don't look for a job there or move there. If that's how he treated you in the limited time you were supposed to cherish, imagine how you two get along when you live together.
There are reasons why people look for LDRs. The biggest one is that they don't want a full on relationship. All that talk about marriage, kids is to disguise that fact. Remember it costs nothing for a man to make that talk. I don't know what kind of job he does but when he flew over to you, he wasn't really visiting you. He was there to stop by and it was convenient. He didn't even want intimacy.
I won't even call it a power struggle. I won't be surprised if he doesn't initiate another meeting. If there's another meeting it's just because he didn't want to bring up a break up conversation or he would start some other shit to get you to break up with him. If he asked to meet again, my response would be "Seriously?"
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (26 April 2018):
 I'm not making excuses for him. Because acting like a twat (and he did) is not right either.
I'm just saying I can kind of see where he is coming from when it comes to surprises.
If you had brought it up before hand, he either wasn't paying attention or he simply forgot. Which really means he is on the "short" end of the stick.
If his way of dealing with "uncomfortable" situations is to lash out at you... well, is that something you want in a partner?
If running off to pout and "punish" you with silent treatment because of a "surprise that went wrong"? Is that what you want in a partner? Imagine living together and this happens? Yikes.
It might BE a power struggle or he is picking a fight because he is looking to end the relationship.
Having an LDR is TOUGH TOUGH and having one where communication isn't key? Even harder.
I would NOT be the first to reach out to him, nor would I apologize for having tried to do something nice for him.
So let him sulk and see what happens. While HE does that, you can decide where you see this relationship going.
Also, I hope you are not looking to move there (his town) BEFORE making sure you have a job there.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 April 2018): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question@Honeypie I did mention a week before that I had an extra session already paid for at the massage place and was going to take us the last time he was here and we ran out of time. He didn't say anything negative about it.
I do see your point however I've been given gifts and surprises before and I act gracious even when I don't love them. I certainly don't act angry.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (26 April 2018):
I would have been mortified if my husband surprised me with a massage. And I LOVE a good massage.
Getting a massage is actually pretty intimate, so I totally get why he was upset that he 1. you didn't give him a LITTLE warning so he could have showered, shaved, what not and 2. you ASSumed he would enjoy it that he would be grateful for it.
My husband took me for a surprise dinner for our anniversary (something he hasn't done in over a decade) but he told me we are just running to Walmart for some Keurig pods. So I didn't dress up, I didn't do hair or make up, I just tossed on some clothes and went. And I was UPSET! that he didn't tell me! All I wanted to do was go home. And that got HIM upset. So yeah, I doubt he will pull THAT stunt again. The thing is WE talked it over and I did suck it up best as I could. It WASN'T a good surprise! Or rather is was PISSPOOR planning!
I think you are both acting like kids. And you both are bad at communication.
TALK this out. ACCEPT that just because YOU thought it was a great thing you did for him, doesn't mean he WANTED it. He doesn't owe you eternal gratitude because you did a thing for him.
The fact that YOU don't want to admit that the choice of surprise might not have been the best for HIM is not going to help. and the fact that you don't want to listen to what he says, you just want to be upset that YOU miscalculated this surprise, it's not helping.
But, with that said... the silent treatment is ridiculous and doesn't solve ANYTHING.
Next time you plan a surprise (and who knows maybe he is just not a fan of surprises - talk about that too) maybe poke around first and see how he feels about it.
Put yourself in his shoes where and then have an ADULT conversation.
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