A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:So here's my story. I am in the active duty military at my first duty station, a week after getting here I start hooking up with this really cute guy that I developed a crush for in my platoon. Well the hooking up became into something more and we were in a relationship before I knew it, which I was extremly happy about cuz I really liked this guy. We spend alot of time together and have so much in common and always make eachother laugh and we are happy together, neither one of us wanted kids or to get married right now. Well, I got pregnant. We decided we would get married and raise the baby TOGETHER as a family. This past weekend I had a miscarriage. I have lost the baby, and it has torn me completely up inside. I dunno what to do anymore or if I should stay with him. He has been completely supportive, holding me while I cry, letting me talk to him about how I'm feeling. Well today I finally let it all out and told him EVERYTHING. I told him how I felt guilty because after we started getting excited I was looking forward to starting a family with him, how I was looking forward to marrying him and having his baby. How I was getting excited to be a mom because I knew even though no one else would love me, the baby would and always would and I felt selfish for that. (Earlier in our relationship he told me how he doesnt think he would ever be able to love anyone ever again after his past) Well as I sat there crying he told me "well I'm not going to lie to you and say I could have ever loved you." It made me feel like well what's stopping him from leaving. So I asked him, whats stopping him from leaving, he isn't tied to me anymore, we aren't having a kid, we aren't getting married. And he told me even though I'm an asshole and selfish half the time that doesnt mean I dont have any morals for feelings. I just don't see what the point in staying in this relationship is if he thinks he will never love me. If he never loves me, we won't get married. What's the point of a relationship or staying in it if the guy cant say if he will ever love you? That's my question. And if he feels that way, what's stopping him from leaving? We deploy together in 6 weeks to Afghanistan for a year ... I just don't know if I can stay in this relationship if it's not going to go anywhere ... any advice on what I should do? I just need some sort of advice.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (25 January 2011):
 First of all I'm sorry you had a miscarriage. I know how emotionally painful that can be.
Secondly, make sure you get on proper birth-control. Being AD and a mom is hard hard work and most women can't do it.
If the guy doesn't love you and you aren't totally sure if you really want to be with him, now that you don't "have" to be with him, then I would seriously break up with him. I have to say though, I think he was not being truthful when he said :"well I'm not going to lie to you and say I could have ever loved you." I think he felt you were pushing him away and he said it to make you hurt a little as well. But.... I could be wrong.
Morally he doesn't have any obligations towards you or you him. Other then grieve together and be respectful to each other.
Deployment is not easy. ( I haven't been on one, but I know from hubby, who's been on 3). I know how people get lonely over there in the big sandbox, so maybe the two of you can figure out where the relationship is going, and if it's NOT going anywhere, to remain friends.
You two need to sit down and talk. Also, I suggest you talk to the Chaplain about the grieving process after a miscarriage. It might feel like it hit you hard now, but at some point it will feel like a tonne of bricks hit you, all over again. Some of it is hormonal, some of it is just basic human grief.
Take care of yourself.
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (25 January 2011):
 I think you should sit back and take some deep breaths. Nothing has to be done immediately. You are still recovering from the loss of your baby. Just relax for the next 6 weeks and try to find some peace. Once you are feeling more like yourself and can think clearly then you may decide to end the relationship if you aren't getting what you need out of it. And thank you for your service to our country.
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