A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:am i over reacting?me and my boyfriend of 4 months were talking one night when we had both been drinking and it got round to marriage and kids.He already has 2 children by another woman he was with for years. He said he is glad that I am not the sort of woman that wants children straight away, although he accepts that I may want them one day in the future as he got bored of routine in his last relationship and was very young when he had them. I said to him that I will probably be about 35 when I want kids (5 years). Then he made some remark about (and as I had been drinking cannot remember how it was phrased exactly) how we may not even be together then.This really upset me as made me think he doesn't feel that I am the one for him.He has also told me in the past that he thought he was going to be with his ex forever, but then he fell out of love with her after many years together. He attributes this to smoking cannabis, being bored cos stuck in a rut of hardly going out, and her changing slightly.So he has never said he loves me either. He has said he loves my company and spends all his time with me.He also always seems very happy to see me and will do anything to make me happy.I guess I am most concerned that he is seeing me as a stop gap and not a long-term future prospect.He has also said that for the time being his children come first, but after a few years of being together then we will be equal.Also when we talk about me having kids in the future, he'll sometimes say "the man you end up with" and the other day we was talking about men going off with younger women and he said "well the man you eventually end up with is going to grow old with you, so he won't notice if you are looking old"And I was thinking "what?? the man I end up with?" but didn't say anything to him.Does he not see a future with me? or is he being cautious because of his last relationship?He has also made a comment that a friend of his was in a relationship for 12 years and they lived together. he said "he never even made any commitment to her in all that time - no marriage, kids etc"and this made me think even more, that he must have loved his ex more than me cos he is not considering children with me for the time being.Should I cut loose before I get hurt?Other than this, he treats me great and puts me first.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2010): thanks for your reply rescuer!
I do feel I analyse stuff too much sometimes but feel that I am second best to his ex in a way because she has had the family thing from him and I'm thinking that maybe he doesn't want that commitment again with someone else.
Also because he didn't do anything in his last relationship (as they had kids and it was difficult for time & money to go out), we're going loads of places together, and I feel that just maybe he wants a travel partner, if that makes sense. yet at the same time I can genuinly tell that he cares about me a great deal.
Once when I questioned him about whether he still has feelings for her and if he wishes i were like her, he said that he doesn't want what he had with his ex (the staying in every night etc) and he definately doesn't still have feelings for her.
it's interesting that you say you said the same things to your boyfriend because you thought he was too good for you, my boyfriend has worried before that he doesn't feel intelligent enough for me.
I guess I should be thankful for what i have got and let the other stuff take care of itself!
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