A
female
age
36-40,
*ettyBoup
writes:Hi guys!I have a problem with asking for what I want in my relationship.My boyfriend is a lovely person, I love him very much. He loves video games. He plays online shooters with a bunch of friends. My problem is he does this a lot. I feel as though I might as well not be there sometimes. I'm at Uni for half the year so I feel our time together is precious. But when I stay with him, if we're not going out when he gets back from work, he'll spend an hour eating tea with me watching tv then he'll play games all night. He also is too tired for sex after this 9 times out of 10, which is another, possibly more frustrating issue. My problem is I dont want to ask him to stop playing games and watch tv or a film with me because I feel it's not what he wants to really do. I feel like the whole time he'd rather be gaming. I just get so lonely sitting in his flat watching tv when he's having a laugh with his friends playing games. When I've spoken to him he says that he doesn't need to spend lots of time with me, that he's happy doing separate things and he's just happy knowing I'm in the room. He also says if I want him to stop gaming and spend time with me I should ask him. But I find it hard to ask him to do something I know he will find boring. I love him but I want a boyfriend I can have fun with and do things together with. I don't begrudge him his computer games one bit, we all have our passions and need to unwind. It's just that I feel we should make the most of the time we have together as its not often we see each other.What should I do?
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male
reader, booned +, writes (12 February 2010):
I can speak from your boyfriends point of view as I was the same as him a year ago!
I have been with my Fianceé for 5 years and I was addicted to video games. I thank my lucky stars that she was able to be patient enough with me and forceful enough with me to see that I was playing video games far too much.
From my personal experience I can say that this may go a little bit deeper than wanting to relax after a days work. I saw gaming as a form of escapism from reality where my real problems did not matter. Its bliss if you endulge it.
Try talking to him and ask him if everything is okay with his life and ask him to be honest with you. If he is ready to talk then he will and he will respect you for it. Try not to force him to talk to you as you will push him further away. Do not take any drastic action like hide his games or anything as it will make things worse.
If you're not getting anywhere, then just dont visit him for a few days. He will soon realise you're not there and he will be in the right mind to have a conversation with you where his mind isnt clouded by fantasy.
Be honest with your feelings. Tell him that your relationship cannot continue the way its going as you need to feel wanted.
Hope this helps.
A
female
reader, BettyBoup +, writes (7 February 2010):
BettyBoup is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thanks for your reply FatherlyAdvice.I think the gaming has been around a lot longer than I have. He had lots of past girfriends. One who he said used to want him to watch all the soaps with her which he found rediculous because he hates soaps. He said he used to tell her if she wanted to spend time with him to watch him play games. He has said that he feels differently for me and he will listen to me and stop playing games for me. He has done this after we have argued and I've been upset about his constant gaming. He's not gone on all night but I've felt guilty because I feel I'm stopping him doing what he wants, which is ridiculous and ungrateful of me I know!I think maybe I'm making it worse in my head than it is perhaps and maybe I need to get a hobby of my own that I am passionate about as I feel a little lost in my life at the moment anyway. Maybe I am looking outwards at my boyfriend for the source of my lonelyness and unhappyness. maybe I need to look within instead. He is a wonderful loving person who just plays a LOT of games. Maybe if I state to him how I feel and think of something we can do together other than watching films or TV a couple of nights a week when we're together, we will get closer and our sex life will rekindle also.It is probably the on off nature of our relationship that does cause issues, but this can't be helped. We have stayed together through the distance so I know we have a strong connection. I guess I gotta just communicate more when I'm unhappy with his behaviour and hope for the best.Thanks for the advice :)
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice  +, writes (7 February 2010):
 Hey Betty,
Thanks for the followup. I didn't realize the extent that his gaming is interfering with sex. This points to two possibilities. Either he has an addiction that is more powerful than sex. I'm not sure I've ever herd of that in online gaming. Or, he is using it as an excuse to avoid intimacy with you for some other reason. Your on and off relationship with him leaves openings for other factors to work in. I think it is quite likely that the gaming is a symptom and not the cause of the distance you are feeling from him.
FA
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A
female
reader, BettyBoup +, writes (7 February 2010):
BettyBoup is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your answers guys!
Salamancia, I don't have a problem with doing other things, I'm quite happy doing my own thing. The problem is that I only see my boyfriend every 2 months or so for a few weeks or just a week sometimes. He has got into this rut after work of just playing games with his online friends. Its a social thing as well as a way to relax.
The issue is, as we don't see each other much, I want to spend time with him, to actually hang out with him, not just sit in the same room. Half the time I think maybe I should just go out with my friends because I am just sat on my own a lot of the time while hes having a laugh with his online friends.
I just don't know how to have the relationship I want with him because I dont want to have to nag him to stop playing games. Like strontiumdog said, I want him to WANT to spend time with me. But he simply would rather play games than watch tv or go for a walk with me, because he is addicted. He says he enjoys the camaraderie of it. Which is fair enough, but I feel like I come second and I don't want to feel like this. Plus he has a low sex drive due to a hard job and hours playing games and being tired. And he puts off having sex because he is worried about his performance and letting me down. So I usually have to get upset about not having sex before he initiates it with me. I dont initiate it often because it makes him angry when he's tired. I feels like torture because I love him and fancy him so much. He thinks I'm being petty. He doesn't understand how important my sex life is to me. It is an expresssion of my feelings for him. Whereas he can take it or leave it and sees it as a chore, although he enjoys it when we do have it. He just avoids it as long as he can and gets angrywhen I try to initiate anything sexual. Even if I try to passionatly kiss him in bed, or touch his balls in jest he'll say noo I'm too tired :( Even if I'm not trying to initiate sex. Sometime I just want to mess around.
This all sounds really negative but I really love him. When he's not gaming he's really loving and funny and he compliments me all the time and tells me he adores me. He is very affectionte and is a gentleman. I feel like he is my "soulmate" in the sense that we just click and have the same silly sense of humour. I feel 'at home' and content in his prescence. It's just that we have got in a rut and I dont know how to change our situation without being a nag. I dont want to be another nagging girlfriend.
Am I wrong for wanting him to spend more time doing things with me and less with his friends online? Am I being selfish and jealous? If I was with him all the time it wouldnt be so bad, I just think we should make the most of the time we do have together.
I'm so confused :s Leaving him isnt an option as I love him and couldn't do that although I have felt so frustrated I thought I might have to. But he means so much to me and I think we have something amazing. He has asked me to move in with him when I finnish Uni and 1 1/2 years and he says he thinks we can work through anything. I just don't know how to work through this :s
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A
female
reader, Salamancia +, writes (7 February 2010):
i have a boyfriend who has the same problem! He'll talk to my friends about some video game like I wasn't even there! Well, this is his way of dealing with a relationship, and if he's happy having u in a room with him, then should it matter to him what you're doing? Maybe you can play vidoe games one night, then do what you want to do another??? and if you feel bored around him, he won't kill you if you tell him that.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (7 February 2010):
Stop being so passive. Step up and ask for what you need. You are not being Rude You are reminding him of why he keeps you around.
He needs to learn to prioritize his time to physically present people first. If you can teach him that he will be better at work, in school, and in any future relationships he has. He can spend 2 to 3 hours with you and still have time for his games. He has expressed a willingness to spend more time with you. Don't let the relationship die because you are to shy.
FA
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2010): At first I thought you had a dead game here, nothing to do but charge an ultimatum: you or the gaming. But hey.. He just told you you have to ask him! So ask him! Really. How do you kow he will find it boring, Im pretty sure he's man enough to be honest with you. He's content with less, but willing to do more, as long as you ask! So ask! Tell him you are afraid he will be bored, but let that decision be up to him. You cant decide for him what will be boring or not. Tell him to spend more time with you, and if he's really that open to you, then put a time limit to his gaming. No more than 5 hours. Depending on how heavily "addicted" he is of course, but most gamers spend way over 5 hours a day. Also, arrange dates with him. Like: ever Saturday and Sunday, you two spend the whole day together. Then the rest of the week he gets his 5 hours a day gaming. But not the weeekend" Or just the Sunday for example. And make a point out of this: it is not YOUR job to entertain him. He's supposed to entertain you just as much! So he has to take part in planning things to do!
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