A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I have been dating for about a year. To me, we seem to be a happy couple, and rarely argue.Recently, my boyfriend has been joking about having a threesome with a co-worker that he's been good friends with for a long time. He will send her suggestive texts right in front of me, claiming it is just a joke. She's very religious, and I know would never act upon his "invitations". I would never want to have a threesome either.I was wondering if his jokes could be a sign that he is interested in her and I'm holding him back. They have a lot in common since they are both writers, work in the same company, grew up near one another, went to the same college, and go to lunch together everyday. It makes me feel like an outsider when they're so close.We went to one of his work dinners together, where I met her. She's very beautiful, charming, and social. I feel like if we spent more time together we would be good friends since we also have a lot in common. However, he spent most of the dinner talking to her and sharing inside work jokes while I sat back and was essentially excluded. I asked him about it, but he said they could never be together because that would entail him changing his religion to be with her in a serious relationship.We are happy, but I feel like he would be more compatible with this co-worker. I want him to be as happy as possible, what can I do to make him see my point of view? Why did he pick me when he spends most of his time with this co-worker?
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female
reader, oldbag  +, writes (7 September 2012):
 Hi
I agree with eddie85, everything he's said.Now take control as the girlfriend, don't let your boyfriend disrespect you this way.
It's so wrong the way he is with his co-worker,he is not single.Never mind him being happy, its your happiness at stake here.
This is going to end in tears,very possibly him eventually losing his job.He needs to grow up and stop playing games.
A
male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (7 September 2012):
 Your boyfriend is playing a VERY dangerous game -- with you and his career.
First off, all it will take is this woman to go to the Human Resources department at her work and claim sexual harassment. She has all the proof she needs with his text messages saved on her phone. He could wind up being fired or even worse, sued.
Secondly, he is playing a game with you. Have you made it clear to him that you don't approve of his antics? If not, why then? It sounds like you are either fearful that you aren't enough for him or that you are afraid he'll walk if somehow this fantasy of his comes true and you don't want to participate.
Personally, it sounds like your boyfriend is flirting with a fantasy -- at your expense and it also sounds like he has some maturing to do. If you've been going out as long as you have, I assume you are exclusive and he should you treat you as thus.
I would assert your position as his woman. I know I wouldn't approve if my significant other was sending flirty messages to someone. Why should you? Set him straight.
I think it is time for you to set some boundaries in your relationship. If you are on board with a threesome / him exploring his sexual fantasies, then so be it. But until then, he is with you and he should treat you with respect. You should not accept ANYTHING less.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (7 September 2012):
 She is the forbidden fruit that makes their relationship secretive and exciting. Forbidden for two reasons: religion and being in a relationship with you. Because it can never turn into a reality it makes the fantasy even more beautiful. To make him realize how you feel, tell him to imagine you having a guy coworker and that you want to have a threesome with him. Compliment that guy worker and flirt a lot with him, in front of your boyfriend. I am sure he wuold not like this. You are underreacting to his jokes, which are not something to joke about in a serious relationship. Having something in common does not necessarily make one a good couple. He is just lusting over her when he shouldn't be. When you say nothing about how you feel he assumes that you are okay with his jokes, and he would continue doing it disregarding your feelings. I honestly can't believe that you can be happy about his jokes and you also want the best for him. You should think more for yourself and about what you can or cannot accept in a relationship. He lacks boundaries and maturity that are more important things in a relationship than fantasy and common interests.
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