A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I have been together two years, and are both 23. The subject of marriage has come up, and he has said that he plans on marrying me someday, and I agreed with him. We've had talks about growing old together, and once, I brought up marriage and he said, that he had to find a ring worthy of my finger. I thought this was very sweet and I felt confident that he wanted to marry me.The problem is that just a week ago, I was asking, light-heartedly, believing I already knew the answer, if he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. He said he wasn't sure. I was shocked. I was only being playful because I thought we had settled this, so when he said that I became very upset. He didn't seem to understand, or was surprised that I was upset. He said that he figured I understood, because if he was sure he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me, then he would have asked by now. Yet I figured he was waiting for other reasons--financial, timing, etc, and not because he wasn't sure about me. He believes that in time he will be sure.I asked him at this point in the conversation if he wanted to break-up because his answer seemed so different than before. He became very scared then and said no, surprised that I would ask that. It was obvious that he definitely didn't want to break-up.The problem is that I now feel myself checking out of the relationship. I'm very unsettled. It's not that I want to be married this year, but I want him, at two years in, to be sure that I'm it for him. I want him to think of me in terms of the rest of his life. Also, it's just shocking because of all the things he said suggesting that I was the girl for him, that he was sure. I asked if there was anything he wanted to change about the relationship, any issues he was having, and he said no. He said he just needed time to be sure of me, and I said okay.The question is: If I wait until three years, and he's still not sure, is that abnormal? Am I making a fool of myself? I love him, but I want him to be passionate about me. This just isn't how I imagined things. Am I over-reacting?Thanks for reading. Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2011): you are only 23 and marriage can wait for another couple of years. do you live together? if so, thats a big commitment at only two years. my husband and i were dating for six years before he popped the question. but i think hes good for being honest with you.
A
female
reader, PollyPsychology +, writes (8 January 2011):
Short answer: Never wait around for someone to be sure of you.
Long answer: I completely agree with the previous poster that what works for one person may not work for everyone. Some people are happily married after a month of knowing each other, and others after 10 years. The key in your question, I think, is that this situation is not actually working for you.
His doubts about you are unraveling your nerves, your security, and even your investment in the relationship. Sure, time may solidify his feelings, but what will time do to yours? Will you be constantly wondering, searching for signs, trying harder, all the while feeling inadequate? Will you put your life on hold--because how can you really envision or plan a future with or without him at this point?
Maybe what you both need is some time apart...time to figure out what you want in work, in relationships, in your life. Time apart will be hard for both of you, but it may do less damage (and be more revealing) than trying to coast through an uncertain relationship. Whether you decide to stay in the relationship or not, don't allow his doubts to bring you to a level where you begin to doubt yourself.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2011): There's a book called He's Just Not Into You..get it if you want to know how we think. He's staying with you until the day he finds the ONE he will marry and you will be history..we don't like to be alone. Not being able to find a ring worthy to fit your finger is a stalling line and not a compliment..its manspeak for "you are the convenient ONE for right now" while I'm waiting for who I really want it's just I haven't found her yet. Both you and he are waiting but for different people. All depends on how you feel about where he's coming from, not for anyone else to say what your reaction would be. Maybe you can just enjoy the time you have together until each of you find that perrson.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2011): I don't think your fears are unreasonable. After two years of dating, you'd really like to know where things are going. Waiting around for an extra year for nothing can be frustrating because if your boyfriend doesn't want you, you need to keep looking!
With that said, they say that approximately after 18 months of dating a couple should seriously have the marriage talk. Then again there really is no SET time. Who is to say what is right for someone else? You are still young though...you don't really need to settle down quite yet.
I guess what you really need to do as this point is assess what your relationship is like presently. Does your boyfriend treat you well? Are you happy with him? Is he nice to you? Do you like spending time with him/desire to see him? Ask yourself these and similar questions. When you come up with the answers you will see whether your current relationship is a good one or not.
If you feel confident/happy in your current relationship then you might feel less pressure to leave him. If you realize that you're really not all that happy - then maybe you should look elsewhere.
Finally, once you've done this - you need to really talk to you boyfriend. See where he stands. How does he feel about the current relationship? I would be prefectly honest with him - tell him that you're worried you're wasting time in a relationship with him thinking he's not sure about you.
...............................
|
