A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I’m a 28-year-old woman and I’ve been with my boyfriend for 10 years after meeting during our first year at university. We had a daughter four years ago, which wasn’t planned, but we both adore her.My problem is, while I’ve matured and take parenting and family life really seriously, he seems to have gone the other way and has been reliving his teenage years.Now life is opening up again following the lockdowns, he’s at the pub a lot with his mates or stays late at work. Meaning I’m doing most of the childcare, while he gets to do all the fun stuff like playing with her and reading bedtime stories. He's also started smoking a lot more now, he never used to smoke, even smokes when reading her bedtime stories. I don't smoke, and this new behaviour. Peer pressure can't be an explanation, since not many people we both know smoke, well, aside from grandparents, but people our age.Why would someone suddenly take up smoking? Is this a sign of anything?I don't smoke and actually have had temporary non-smoker signs in the car when I had to pick up a friend from the airport for Mum, the friend was visiting for a week and came to see her; a foreign friend mum's known for 15 years. She smokes, I don't.I feel bad complaining because I do really love him and I know he loves us, but I just wish he’d grow up a bit and take on more responsibility at home. He was grown-up until fairly recently. He is a good guy at heart, but I don't want a manchild.I’m worried our relationship is sliding into an unhealthy place and he’s just not present enough.I can feel myself getting angry with him, which has never happened before.I don't want to throttle or kill him, but I'm angry enough as it is, it's like someone else has replaced him.How can I get him to see things from my point of view without causing a massive argument to blow up?
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female
reader, RubyBirtle +, writes (3 April 2022):
Tackle the issue of him smoking I the house first because that's so dangerous for your daughter. What is your relationship like with his parents? Perhaps you could get them to speak to him to about the smoking around your daughter? I can't see that any half decent adult would condone smoking in a child's bedroom.
Smoking and the The Three Billy Goats Gruff really don't go together.
A
female
reader, malvern +, writes (3 April 2022):
 I think his mates have a lot to do with thia. They are probrably encouraging him to go out and 'be one of the lads' with them. He doesn't want to seem weak so he goes along with it all. Very similar situation to what I had in my first marriage. My husband was constantly being invited out socially with work colleagues and 'husbands and wives are not invited". We fell out about it many times since I was left at home on my own with the children. In my case it became very obvious one of the women at work fancied him, which he flatly denied, we got divorced and ....he's been living with her for last 20yrs now ! So.....I would put a stop to all this behaviour from your partner, or at least limit it to occasional nights in the pub before it escalates into something serious and ruins your life together. As for the smoking ....he's a fool, we all know how damaging it is. He needs to grow up and stop trying to be something he's not. He's got you and he's got a child and you are both his main responsibility and he's heading the right way towards losing you both.....and for what? He seems to want his cake and eat it.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (3 April 2022):
 1. OP there needs to be a rule about NO FU|CK|IN|G smoking in the house and around the kid!
Your child doesn't need to be exposed to secondhand smoking!
As for what taking up smoking might mean? Who knows? Maybe to alleviate stress or because the friends are smoking and he thinks it is cool? But that is HIS choice. YOU can however set some boundaries up when it comes to around the kiddo and inside the house. My husband has smoked since he was 15. He had a heart attack in his 40s and FINALLY quit smoking. Before that we had a rule, NO smoking inside (as it's GROSS), no smoking in the car (gross too and lowers the resale value a lot) and NO smoking around the kiddos. And he stuck to it. we had a screened-in porch so he could smoke out there. It's not hard.
Sit him down and tell him you feel like he is not being a good dad and partner when he slacks off and leaves all the caretaking to you. And smoking while reading a book to the wee one is just so out of line. " He was grown-up until fairly recently. He is a good guy at heart, but I don't want a manchild." TELL him that!
You NEED to have a talk.
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