A
female
age
41-50,
*ConfusedChick
writes:I have been dating this man for about 5 months. We met over the internet and he had just relocated to my city for a new job. At first he seemed to good to be true..such a great guy, no drama, steady job...just what I needed. Things were going great for us, and he finally found a house about a month after we started dating. It was a fixer-upper, I like doing house projects and so we got to spend alot more time together than most couples at that stage in a relationship. When the house was almost finished, he went into this depression. I figured it was from all of the changes happening at once with him.. new city, new job, new girlfriend. He said this happened to him before when he moved away the first time. He decided to start seeing a therapist he'd seen awhile back in his home town (about 2 hours away). I have tried to be supportive and understanding (I too have suffered from depression and take medication daily) and he has finally decided to start seeing a therapist here where he lives. (after about 6 weeks of going back home every weekend with seemingly no results). He has seen his new therapist 2 times and has increased his meds during the past last week. I know it takes time for this stuff to work, but at this point, he has been depressed for over 1/2 of the time we have been dating. I've tried to not let it affect my own mental health, but today I just feel lousy. When we met I really thought I had found "the one".. but after the past few weeks, I feel alone. I feel more like I'm here with him on his terms. It's all about him all of the time, and I know it's the illness but it feels like he never thinks of me and how his depression affects me. He doesn't want to be alone alot of the time, so I spend alot of time with him, but he won't talk to me or open up about what he talks to his therapist about. What could be so bad that he can't share it with someone he says he loves? I love him but I am so frustrated. We used to hug, hold hands, laugh, play, enjoy sex, and be good together. Now, he hold me at night when he doesn't want to feel alone. He will kiss me with a peck on the lips, but that's it. We sleep next to each other, and I still want to touch him and be affectionate (sex isn't an option right now and I think that frustrates him more because he feels he's broken), but it's like, for him, if it not going to end in having sex then we can't kiss or touch or do anything. For a relationship that's not even 6 months old, is it all just too much? Leaving him makes me feel sad and like I'm giving up hope that he will be the person I met and totally fell for. But staying frustrates me and makes me wonder if he'll ever confide in me and for how long should I hang in there? My depression was rather short lived and my meds keep things in prospective for me. I've never delt with someone else's depression. Am I just not being patient enough? I am confused and feel alone.
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female
reader, 1ConfusedChick +, writes (27 July 2009):
1ConfusedChick is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHe and I have both talked about our past... he was divorced after a year of marriage (his wife betrayed his trust by trying to get pregnant without telling him). And 6 years ago his father committed suicide. One of these things alone would be clearly a reason to be depressed, but something deep down tells me that's just not it. He's told me about these things. But there are still things that he says he can only talk to his therapist about. He is on Lexapro as am I, and I have had a lot of luck with it. 20mg a day keeps me balanced and mostly clear thinking. When I am depressed I know why and can point to an event. He was on 10mg for 6 weeks and it was clearly not doing the job. I suggested he ask his dr to increase, and he said that since he was switching drs, that the old dr. wanted the new dr to do it (I call BS...he was clearly suffering) So I suggested that until he saw his new dr to double up on his meds (20mg per day) - his appt was only 2 weeks away. But he said that he didn't want to do that. but 2 days later what does he do? He goes to urgent care and get a script for 40MG A DAY! He saw his therapist last weekend and the therapist said he thought it was a bit excessive but did not lower it. I do want to stick this out with him, it's just difficult becuase I don't know what demons he's battling. Clearly he is doing the right thing by going to a pyschitrist and taking meds, but there's just somehting deep down inside of me that wonders is he really talking to this dr. or is he hoping that the drugs will do all of the work? He just won't share with me, and it leaves me feeling on the outside.
A
female
reader, Nora_Bird  +, writes (27 July 2009):
 Oh dear, I have sympathy for you and your partner. Perhaps you made a mistake by moving too fast with him. But you can't undo what has been done. I think you are being patient enough and you seem to provide adequate support and love. For the time being I would stay with him and continue supporting him. Let him know that you have experienced the same depression and that you would be more than happy to listen to his problems. Share some of your own struggles to show him that he is not alone. But if it reaches a point when his condition dramatically affects your well being, then I would end things with him. You have to be a bit selfish and put your self ahead of him. It may be hard to leave him, but you can't let him bring you down. In the end the most important relationship is the one you have with yourself... Good luck with everything and stay positive!!!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2009): What meds is he on? His meds might not be working or making him even more depressed. It usually takes about six weeks for the meds to start working. I was on Lexapro and it helped me. Then it kept me awake at night. My husband used to be on Paxil and it was bad for him. What meds is he on?
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A
female
reader, Starlights  +, writes (27 July 2009):
 both of you are going through a hard time here.
if you feel the situation is pulling your own health down you need to take a break from this relationship as you have a past history of depression.
you can hope for the med's to kick in and him to return to normal but until then you have to not expect too much from him as he is ill.
in his normal state he is perfect but right now he cant be that because of the illness.
he needs you to be supportive and encouraging at this time.
if you feel you cant do this walk away but if you feel you do love him stick with him.
in love theirs always the good times and the bad times.
& it will work out if you believe it so.
good luck
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