A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hello,My boyfriend has a drinking problem and although he admits it and says he loves me and that I'm more important than the booze, he isn't doing anything about it and sometimes he can drink for 10 solid days where I can't contact him as his phone is off and then he stops for a couple of months and it all starts again, anything from 3 to 10 days. I'm not naive and I know it's only him who can make the decision to stop and that you all probably think I'm mad for staying with him. I love him deeply, and when not drinking a wonderful man, loving, caring and supportive. He is not a nasty drunk and certainly not abusive, and is ashamed of his addiction when sober. I kind of want to ignore him for 10 days to see how he feels when I am out of contact but then again I don't want to play games. Any advice on what to say to him, in a round abut way that I won't tolerate his drinking and the letting me down anymore without shouting or demanding? I don't want to leave him but I want him to not just talk the talk but to actually do what he says. I feel like a mug.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 January 2011): You can't make anyone do anything and it appears you care more about the relationship than he does so that does put you in an even more helpless position. You are naive if you believe in staying with a person for their potential and not accepting who they are as is.
People don't talk their way out of problems and talking instead of doing is a way for both parties to avoid the problem. If he's not taking action then I would accept this is the way it is going to be.
Can you accept how things are now will be forever? If not then time to take action yourself and be responsible for what you want in life as far as a committed partner. If you are unable to do that and keep putting the action back on him then it's time to be aware what you SAY you are looking for is not what you really want so you are talking the talk.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 January 2011): Thank you for your answer.
I'm hoping he will go to his GP because his life is just a roller coaster right now. Alcoholism runs in the family, his father is an alcoholic, although has remained sober for 15 years now.
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A
male
reader, eddie85  +, writes (16 January 2011):
 This is serious. An alcoholic (and he's one from the sounds of it) will do or say whatever he can to keep drinking -- including selling you the line that you are more important that his drinking.
If that was the case, he would've stopped by now.
I think you really need to get him into AA. If you decide you are going to hang in there with this guy, then you should probably check out al-anon, so you know how to deal with his manipulations.
I think you really don't have a choice here. Do you want to continue this relationship with a drunk or do you want a warm, loving man to be the center piece of your life? And at the rate this continues, more bad drama is about to unfold -- especially if he gets nasty or loses his employment.
I'd like you to read "10 Stupid Things Women Do To Mess Up Their Lives" by Dr Laura Schlessinger (www.drlaura.com). I think trying to fix a drunk is one of them.
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