A
female
age
30-35,
*now8girl
writes:My boyfriend and I have been officially BF/GF for 4 months but have been dating for 6 months. He is 28 and I am 23.My boyfriend says he isn't like every other guy. He respects the idea of making love and prefers to have sex spontaneously. However, we've done it, and it never seemed to be an issue until I kept pursuing him and he didn't feel comfortable. We had gotten in an argument and he mentioned that he had a similar problem with his ex and that he doesn't want to talk about this issue. I love my boyfriend. So I told him that I'll stay abstinant for awhile. Well, now we don't even make out and they are just pecks. When I am at his house he never attempts to make out with me. I sometimes wonder if he is gay but he is not. Maybe he has a low libido or just genuinely respects the idea of physicalness in a relationship. But this was never an issue in the beginning of our relationship. We made all the time in the car and out of our whole entire relationship, we've only had sex 4 times :(Now, I love him so much but I dont know how to fix this. I feel this is problem to have this dry spell issue 6 months or 4months into our relationship. What should i do? Leave him?
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (1 October 2014):
 Really, sweetie (if I may say that), the whole "you didn't make me feel good enough" is BULLSHIT. It's his way of not looking like the weak person who didn't want sex. He wasn't good enough, and he's been telling himself this over and over. Sex 4 times in 6 months isn't "good enough" for anyone! Regardless of how much they try to blow up your ego. Even if you were telling him over and over what a "man" he was, I promise you, 100% true, he would NOT have been more passionate or made you feel more loved or this or that. It's just him trying to put the blame on you, when he knows perfectly well that it's his lacking interest in sex and intimacy that is the real cause for the problem. He's just trying to save face!
You did nothing wrong and should absolutely not think that you should have treated him better, or been kinder, or tries to blow up his ego more etc. If he's got a poor self image, then that's his problem, not your fault. He had this problem with his ex, you KNOW this, so you also KNOW that his lacking passion is a part of who he is and has nothing to do with you or anything you did or didn't do. That's ALL on him.
Look, I know this to be true. I've dated men with poor self image so many times, it DOES NOT MATTER how much you tell them they are amazing, or how much to try to build them up, or treat them kind etc. They will always think they aren't good enough. And most of the time, guess what? They truly AREN'T good enough. But instead of dealing with it, they avoid the problem by shifting blame and running away.
It's exactly what I told you he'd do. I translated that e-mail reply to you as meaning he wanted to think about whether to dump you or not, which is exactly what he did. I know how men like him think, which is why I know 100% that he's just shifting blame to make himself look better. You did nothing wrong, you didn't treat him wrong, but he's the way he is. You didn't make him feel this way! He just is this way, by his own doing.
As for how many times you fall on love? Endless times. People can fall in love over and over and over. You wont love him forever, and he wont love you forever. But if it helps you move on, sure, believe it if you want. Truth is, you will forget about him, and you will fall in love with someone else, and you will be just as crazy about the new man as you were about this one.
A
female
reader, know8girl +, writes (1 October 2014):
know8girl is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thank you everyone for your input. Even though I love him very much, we decided to break it off. Although I wanted to talk to him face to face, he broke it off with me over email and decided to let me go because he wanted me to be happy and that he feels awful that he isn't making me happy and that he wouldn't wish it upon me to be with him if he isn't making me happy.
I asked him why doesn't he want to try and make me feel special to compensate for the passion that has died down. Apparently, he began to put up walls because I made him feel like he wasn't good enough for me ex: wasn't goal oriented enough, man enough, passionate enough, and just it was never enough.
And he eventually realized that he may never be the person I want him to be or the person I am looking for.
I feel awful to have made him feel this way and do understand that perhaps the way I treated him caused him to put less effort. With the passion dying, though, he never explained.
I can't tell you all how much I already miss him and am having a hard time dealing with this break up. I keep reading the emails to remind me why this went south and why the relationship broke, because I am so tempted to just show up at his house and convince him to work on this relationship and just kiss him and hug him.
Last time I saw him was on Saturday night. We were happy. We spent the day with his family watching the UFC fight. Sunday, I sent him the email with hopes of working things out or just finally realizing we needed to break it off.
I am not sure I like this decision that we both agreed too, but I know that I am still young and it is for the best for him and I both. But i really really hate the fact that we ended it over email. Perhaps it is just easier that way to let go of someone you love.
The nice thing about it I guess is that we broke up on good terms and with the understanding that we both will always love each other.
I have a burning question, however.
I am apparently his second love.
How many loves can people experience????? If he is 28, he must fall in love a 3rd time????
Does this happen?
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (30 September 2014):
Im tired of hearing about how things supposedly die out after a year or so... Sex doesnt die out. Passion doesnt die out. Unless you are with a person who does not like sex! Then, yes, you get less and less. The fact that this was a problem in his last relationship too says it all: he will not change! You can talk about it and write e-mails, but the fact is he will not change. If he needed a wakeup call and to realize he will lose gfs unless he shows more passion... Well he got that in his last relationship! By his own omission, his lacking sexual appetite is what caused her to cheat!
Love and sex are not the same, I want to stress this as well. He can care about you a lot, yet still not want intimacy. People are diferent here. But it is vital to find a partner whos at the same lecel as you are when it comes to sex and intimacy. This guy will never give you what you need, no matter how many times you talk about it. Thid isnt a fixable problem, this is a matter og either he is, or he isnt sexually compatible with you. And he isnt. And it will not ever change. Better you realize this now than later.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (30 September 2014):
It just means that love, passion, and sex are different things. Do you love a one night stand you have passionate sex with? Do two people who've been married 50 years who never have sex not love each other?
I'm simply suggesting that he's not the type of guy that's very into sex, and he's not romantic/passionate, but that doesn't mean he's not into you or that he doesn't love you.
For some that's exactly what it would mean. But people are all different.
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female
reader, know8girl +, writes (29 September 2014):
know8girl is verified as being by the original poster of the questionCould you elaborate more on your comment about sex not being love? I know I can be abstinant for awhile. The thing is that he has stopped making me feel special. My concern is that its early on in the relationship. I know that these things eventually die down, but probably after a year or so.The fact that he isn't pursuing me and stopped putting effort leads me to believe that he really isn't in love with me. The whole sex thing though is a huge issue because now he barely makes out with me. I mean he gives me small kisses here and there which are nice, but I just miss the passion.I wrote an email to him because this is a very sensitive topic for him. Last time I brought it up, he wouldn't hear me out and was reluctant to talk about it because it reminded him of his previous relationship before me with his first love. She cheated on him for the same reason. At least that is what he shared with me.I didn't want to get into a heated argument about him not wanting to talk about the issue. So i felt that it was best to communicate this where he won't be prompted to argue with me but just be forced to read and just hear me out and see how I've been feeling.Sigh. He texted me this morning wishing me a good day. But I'm still thinking about what all of you are saying. Perhaps we aren't compatible and are better off as friends. :( /3
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male
reader, CMMP +, writes (29 September 2014):
Not wanting to have sex with you has nothing to do with love, let's get that straight.
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female
reader, chigirl +, writes (29 September 2014):
Good for you for addressing the issue, but an e-mail? Why can't you talk to him in person about something so intimate and important regarding your relationship? Is he that hard to get a hold of, you can't meet, so you need to e-mail him? I find this odd.
Regarding your problem specifically though... and his response to your e-mail as well: This is not fixable. The "we have much to think about and I need to process this" is just another way of saying "I don't know how to respond to this, and Im going to have to think about whether or not I should stay in a relationship with you, because dealing with the issue is probably too bothersome or can't be dealt with". Yeah, pretty much. It's not that he's not in love with you, Im sure he is. Or, scratch that. Some people just aren't loving, some people don't fall in love, and some people don't like sex! He's one of those people!!
You can't fix it, because he is who he is, and you wont be happy in the long run because just LOOK at how happy you are about the situation right now... only a few months in. Imagine your frustration and bitterness and resentment after two years of this. Or even more years! You will feel rejected, unattractive, unloved etc.
He needs to be with someone who enjoys sex just as little as he himself does. It's a compatibility issue, don't confuse it with love, or being in love or not, or anything else. It's a pure matter of whether or not he likes to have sex. He doesn't, you do. You are not compatible, and the longer you cling on to him trying to "fix" it, the more miserable you will be. Trust me on this one. Been there done that. I was with a guy who had a low libido, or maybe it was even average. But I have a high libido, I want and need sex frequently, and him always turning me down, always being too tired, too stressed out, couldn't be bothered, or when we finally did have sex it was always the same old same old... Well, a year and a half of that and it really gets to you! I swear, I think of myself as an attractive young woman, but this guy made me feel like I wasn't even worth his time, and he'd just turn away from me when we went to sleep. It was depressing.
No, rather than sending e-mails and "thinking about this", I advice you to just end it. A "dry spell" at 6 months? What is a dry spell? I've never heard of it, and I do not think it is normal to just stop having sex in a relationship unless there's a particular reason for it. ESPECIALLY after just 6 months. And you've had sex 4 times in 6 month? How can you possibly "fix" that? The sex is non-existent! That's so little, it doesn't even count! That's how often I had sex with my ex over the last 6 months of our relationship, when he was suicidal and hospitalized!! Even we had sex 4 times in those 6 months! And he was on medication and anti-depressants and those meds really killed his sex-drive in addition to him being hospitalized for over a month at a time in two periods of these 6 months... Im just saying, girl, there's something seriously wrong with this dude, and it's beyond repair.
He can be the sweetest most loving man in the word. But without sex, he's just a good friend, and all you can ever hope for is friendship. And yes, he probably IS gay. Or at least asexual.
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A
female
reader, know8girl +, writes (29 September 2014):
know8girl is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell the issue is we haven't had sex in three months. Additionally, when we did have sex, it has always been me making the moves to seduce him. When we did make love, it's great! He enjoys it!
In my previous relationship, this dry spell has never been an issue. I've always dated men who are about 3-4 years older than me. This is why I am asking, is this normal?
I don't know if he watches porn. We still aren't on that level where we have access to everything. He is also such a huge tech guy and apple products, I really don't know how to use it.
But as one of you said, we aren't compatible and I am beginning to realize that. So I wrote him an email addressing my feelings. To sum it up, I brought up the fact that I don't think he is crazy in love with me. Perhaps, he does care and love me, but even just to make out once in awhile or surprise me once in awhile to make me feel loved and special AND to compensate for no sex....I mean he used to do these things at the beginning of the relationship, but not anymore.
Anyhow,
he responded saying that he got my email and that it is clear that we both having lots of thinking to do. He said he doesn't know what to think or say, but that he needs time to process how I've been feeling.
I feel sad because I feel that I've made him ashamed or that I make him feel like the worst boyfriend ever, which is not the case. I hope that this relationship could be salvaged.
But something is wrong I feel if we keep arguing early on in the relationship and we are already in a dry spell.
I guess the good thing is that I am young and still have many opportunities ahead of me, but I just wish this one would really work out because he truly a wonderful man. If things should not workout, I just want him to be happy and for him to find someone that will understand his values and make him feel special.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (29 September 2014):
 I'd be wondering - if he likes spontaneous sex, then why isn't there any happening?? I think that's a smokescreen for "don't ask me".
If he says he's not like every other guy, that means he's asexual, gay, or a porn addict (overuse of porn can make a guy have erectile dysfunction and lower libido), OR he could be on medicine that he doesn't realize tanks out libido, like antidepressant medicine, high blood pressure medicines, or anything like that.
There's nothing to "fix" here, because it's about sexual compatibility. This isn't an issue where you started out having sex like rabbits and then it dropped off later in life or marriage or whatever. This is who he is.
You have to decide whether you can live with next to no sex, or if you need a guy with a higher sex drive. You can't cajole, nag, or plead for more. You can only accept, or end the relationship and find someone more compatible. Sometimes in the course of a relationship, we find out something about our partners that reveals an insurmountable incompatibility. This may be that time. It's nobody's fault, and there is no failure or dishonor in moving on.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (29 September 2014):
You have two choices: find a guy you're compatible with, or accept the fact that you'll probably only have sex a few times over the course of your relationship.
He may not be gay but he may just dislike sex.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (29 September 2014):
 How do you know he is not gay or asexual?
Sorry you are trying to figure out how to fix this problem. I would assume that he has a very low libido and what your sex life is now is going to get worse by 1/4 every year. If you can live with that then carry on.
He may have some medical or other issue that keeps him from enjoying a full sex life.
He's 28 and you've had sex every 1.5 weeks.
I have to ask, it's a very odd statement: He "says he isn't like every other guy. He respects the idea of making love and prefers to have sex spontaneously"
Have you asked him what that means?
Most people have sex spontaneously so not sure how that is a hardship.
I think you are not compatible with this guy. Sorry.
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