A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hello, My boyfriend and I am have together for 3.5 yrs, when we first met he has always said he never wants to get married, he has seen almost every marriage in his life fail and it's not something he feels needs to be done. I was honestly fine with this, I ended up getting pregnant early in our relationship and now we have 2 children. I have recently started to feel I would like to get married, I love him and he loves me and says he wants to spend the rest of his life with me and our family. Now, I am not sure why I am suddenly feeling this now, but I am pretty positive it has to do with all our friends getting engaged or married, every single one of them! Some of them haven't been together very long, and yet they are engaged, it makes me feel sad when we meet up with our friends and they announce they are engaged. I know deep down this isn't something I would leave him over, we have a family together and I love him so much and as long as we are together I feel happy, but just feel like I am missing out. A good friend of his was talking to me in the summer right before our friends wedding and asked when we were going to get married, I told him that he doesn't really believe in it, and his friend said ya, he said that to me when I asked yesterday but said if you really wanted to, he would. I want him to want to marry me, not do it because I want it or he feels forced, if that makes sense. I know this is my issue, as he was straight forward from day one, so it is unfair of me to expect him to change his mind suddenly. I just don't know what to do though,am I just feeling like this because everyone around us is getting married? If we don't ever get married am I going to regret it? These are just the things that run through my mind, almost every little girl dreams of growing up and getting married, and it is just hitting me that it is something I may want, I didn't think I cared before, I guess I do. Also when we watch shows about weddings etc, he will always ask, is that how you would like to get proposed to? Is that the type of wedding you would like? etc, I don't understand why he is asking this stuff, when he has no plan on getting married. I just want advice on how I should deal with this and opinions. Thank you so much!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2011): Original poster here, Thank you for your response, I think it has to do with the status, and maybe I kind of do feel that people think their boyfriends have/had more commitment to their relationships, which I know isn't necessarily true, but it makes me think that ours is judged because of this, and also we have 2 daughters together, I think it would be nice for them to grow up in a home where their parents are married. So I guess it is a few things. I have NEVER brought up marriage or tried to push it on him, I do not want to get married because he feels pressured and wouldn't do that to him ever. I do accept his beliefs, most marriages end in divorce, not all do though. This isn't something I would leave him over, I just have to get over these feelings. I am sure once the weddings stop (within our circle of friends) the feelings won't be as strong. Thanks again
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2011): "I want him to want to marry me, not do it because I want it or he feels forced, if that makes sense."
Yes this makes perfect sense, and I think it's the right attitude to have. So many people get married because they felt pressured or guilt-tripped or obligated or afraid. Many of them who marry for negative reasons become unhappy after the marriage, maybe not immediately but it seeps in over time. You don't want that.
"I know this is my issue, as he was straight forward from day one, so it is unfair of me to expect him to change his mind suddenly."
That is true, and I agree with this.
"I just don't know what to do though,am I just feeling like this because everyone around us is getting married? "
Yes it probably is but that's just the trigger for some deeper issue within yourself. Clearly, "marriage" means something to you, other wise other people's getting married wouldnt' affect you.
You should try to dig deeper into your feelings to figure out what exactly is the real issue. What does your friends' marriages represent to you, that you feel you are lacking and which is somehow bad?
- is it status?
- is it worry over finances in the case of an untimely death and the belief that marriage offers more legal protection (which it very well may)?
- is it worry about other people judging you? Has anyone made you feel "less than" because you're not married?
- is it a belief (which many people have) that making the relationship a marriage lessens the risk that your partner might some day leave you?
- is it the desire to conform and fit in with what everyone else is doing? To gain acceptance by doing what everyone else is? e.g. if more of your friends were doing what you are doing and not getting married, would you feel OK?
- if some time from now some or most of your married friends got divorced, would you feel better about not being married?
- is it a hidden fear that your boyfriend doesn't love you as much as your friends' boyfriends love them, since they wanted marriage but yours doesn't? Do you truly understand and accept his reasons for not wanting marriage?
- Up until now were you truly OK with never getting married, or were you only OK with it because you deep down felt that surely some day he would change his mind? And now that people around you are getting married and you're not only now are your realizing that he was "serious" after all?
I'm guessing it's really an 'ego' issue like you attach some symbolic meaning to the concept and idea of "marriage" and feel deficient if other people have it but you don't. It's symbolic because in reality, you're happy with the actual relationship and didn't feel this unease until your peers got married. Thus what you're unhappy with isn't something to do with him or your relationship, but a part of you feels 'threatened' by not having something that other people have.
Is that a good reason to get married, to satisfy the "ego" issue? Well I'm sure many people get married for that reason so it certainly can be done. If he wanted to get married too whether for his own reasons or the same reasons, then sure go ahead. But he doesn't want to, and you had long ago agreed not to. therefore that makes this more complicated.
"If we don't ever get married am I going to regret it? "
Well if as you say your boyfriend says he plans on being with you forever, then I think you can afford to wait this one out and see what happens and how you feel a few months or even years down the line. imagine that you and him are now senior citizens. Your kids have grown up, your grandchildren come over to visit, you're both sitting on the front porch enjoying each other's company in your golden years or having thanksgiving with your children and grandkids. Are you going to think "I'm so regretful that we never got married?" of course you can't predict how you will feel in the future. But if you're happy with someone I dont' think you will regret that you didn't file for a piece of paper. If you did, then it's something else that you're after, like I said, the "ego issue" didn't go away.
basically I think that you're right this is your personal issue, don't make it into a relationship issue or make it into his problem too. He was upfront from the beginning and you agreed to it. Now you're changing your mind. Nothing wrong with asking him if his mind is also changed, just for curiosity sake. If he's also reconsidering - ON HIS OWN - then you have an easy solution. But if he still feels the same about this as before then it's not fair to him to try to make him change his mind just because you changed yours so you should get to the root of this issue so you can deal with it on your own.
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