A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Im sorry if this is a bit long! I met my bf a just over a year ago, we wasnt expecting to fall in love, it was meant to be a bit of fun every now any again. I was in a care home when we met, he would come over and we would just go and sit in a empty car park. We got talking and we would cuddle. I found myself falling for him but i had been hurt and wouldnt let him know this. Then 2months in he tells me he loves me, i asked why he said it and he said he wanted to know if i would say it back, which i didnt. Then he said it a few weeks later and i finally said it back.I found myself falling for him really bad.He was in the army and told me he had slept with a lot of women. Which i know is true! This made me feel hurt, im not sure why. I just felt so gutted, i knew i wasnt his first and it didnt bother me, but when he told me how many women he had slept with it was like a slap in the face. But i got over it, in was so in love with him.Then he lost his job and i moved in with him at his parents. Then one night i found him looking at porn and chatting up girls on facebook. I felt so hurt and angry. But he told me he felt like he was addicted to it. We over come this. And he promised to stop. Then a few months later my dad passed away, it was all very hard, i was with him and i was haunted by what i had seen. I couldnt have sex with my bf, i felt like it was wrong. Then i found he looking at porn and chatting up girls again. I was so angry. I didnt understand why he just couldnt wait for me to be ready.Ill skip a bit. In september i got my own place, and i thought he was moving in with me but i was wrong. He was always saying he couldnt wait for us to have our own place. But he is refusing to move in.Then our sex life went down hill again and i agreed that we could look at porn TOGETHER. But now he looks at it when ever he can. Im so hurt and gutted, i love him so much but i feel like we are going backwards. And to top evreything off he is going back into the army and im scared he will go back to his old ways.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI just want to say thanks for all the help and advice. Im going to sit down and talk to him to night. Things have been a bit better over the weekend. We spent some time together and we had a laugh. thnaks again.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2008): You are young, you have your whole life in front of you.. I know you didn't expect the negativity and the arguements, but we all agree (even with our differences) you need more support than this guy can give you at the moment..
I know you fell in love, and never, ever doubt that this guy loves you too.. But love and relationships are two different things. He loves you, but how to put the pieces together and give you everything you need is difficult for him.. I know you love him, and I know you don't want to be alone, especially now. But we are thinking of your future as well. Your young, you are not trapped with this guy. Counselling is a good suggestion, you need to be clear about things you need to do for you. It's not a question of love babes. He loves you, but he is still growing just like you are, and the things you need are too hard for him now.. Tell him how you feel. Take some ideas from us, the best ones, the ones you agree on... But don't be surprised if he disagrees... You need to think of you and only you... he may be slowing your development and your growing into womanhood down
With the right guy, less experience, not into porn, concentrated on you, romantic, kisses. all the things that Fade said, you might be a hell of a lot happier... but if you want to keep him you can, it will just be a bit more difficult and you will need to compromise your views.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2008): Ouch, you have suffered so much pain and hurt at your age. I am so sorry to hear that this guy is treating you like this. He should be supporting you with lots of love, affection and care. I am not even going to dwell on the porn issue, that to me is not the most important factor in your relationship at this stage. I think that this guy is not appreciating you enough, he is not respecting your feelings and your wishes. You find it difficult to trust him, that is why you are scared that he will go back to his old ways. If you cannot trust somebody, it creates fear and ultimately you will be suffering with lots of problems such as self esteem and insecurities. I suggest you do as Fade Suggested and go for counseling. It will help you to get a clear perspective on this relationship, how t deal with the trust issues and how to deal with the pain and hurt you have already suffered. You deserve lots of love and happiness and if this guy is not giving it to you it might be time you find someone else that will appreciate you for who you are. Never doubt yourself and your own abilities, you are still very young and you can create your future by taking good care of yourself and place your needs and wants first. You have one life to live and to enjoy!
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2008): Gina, thanks for responding to me. I should have been more considerate when I posted my update here. Me and you, both care about this young girl and her problems... The details about how we deal with it, are probably best discussed in private, rather than intruding on her private space, and her own personal issues....
Sorry Dear Caller, many of us aunts want to help you, and we are desperate to see you happy and comfortable in love. We are women too and probably a lot older than you. Just a difference of opinion, my fault I'm afraid....
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2008): Sorry my mistake, your father died, and that put a hold on the sex.. sorry I didn't mean to offend, but now I now why you sounded needy, because you were distressed when you lost someone you loved. You needed more support than he was giving you, and the last thing you needed was to find out he had lied... now I understand.. This distance thing army/moving out, is not what you need right now..
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2008): Sorry Gina, I know you have issues with pornography, but some of the things you mentioned are not seen in her post....
"You say your sex life went down hill again? The reason for that would be he is jerking of to the porn willy nilly"....
Nope, she actually said she's the one who went off sex, because of her dislike for him looking at pornography...
"anyone who needs porn to be stimulated will have problems being intimate with some women." .... She didn't say he needed porn to be intimate, she didn't say that at all.. She's the one who offered to look at it with him, because she didn't want him looking at it alone. I've checked her post carefully, and I didn't get the idea that he went off sex, this young lady is the one who didn't want to get sexually intimate, and she doesn't use porn at all.
"do you really want a guy that is so turned on with a image on a computer compared to being with a real life girl?"... Again there is no indication that he dosen't like real life girls. He spends a lot of time talking to women on facebook, and he has had several sexual relationships before he ever met her. He dosen't seem to have a problem with sex at all, indeed it seems that he likes it a little too much for her, and that's part of her concern.
She's talked to him, he understands her concerns, he promised to stop looking at pornography and talking to women on facebook, but he hasn't... Instead he has refused to move in with her. She can talk to him again, but somehow, I don't think it will make a difference. As I said, it's the women on facebook that I'm worried about, those are girls he can meet up with, the women in the magazines are fantasy.
Same old story every time. A guy likes porn, a woman hates it, she gets upset, he promises to stop and never do it again, just to keep her quiet, he lies, he starts looking again, she gets upset, he claims it's an addiction, just to shut her up, he keeps looking, she keeps crying, he promises to stop, rinse, cycle and repeat.. The only way to stop it, is to leave...
Please don't think every situation is the same as yours. Read very carefully, because I think you've made a lot of assumptions that I can't see written in her post... She needs advice based on her own personal situation, because yes there are big issues, about pornography, him going into the army, him refusing to move in with her and him talking to other girls.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2008): Porn is not harmless to some when it starts to infringe on your relationship .......
Friendships are not harmless to some when it starts to infringe on your relationship
Books are not harmless to some when it starts to infringe on your relationship
Laughing is not harmless to some when it starts to infringe on your relationship
Make up and clothes is not harmless to some when it starts to infringe on your relationship
I have a big problem as you can see with the statement. It allows one partner to force the other to give up everything they like, just to suit themselves... Relationships are about compromise. If people have things that interest them and you really hate it, then your with the wrong person, and you'd be happier with somebody else... It's hard to force people to change..
True sexual addiction is a problem to do with psychology and if your partner is mentally sick, then he needs to see a doctor. If he thinks he's truly addicted, then perhaps you should suggest this to him.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2008): Babes, you are so very young, and I'm afraid to say, that due to your history, this guy may not be right for you at all.
Can we separate looking at pornography, to talking to and sleeping with other girls. They are very different things. Many people look at porn and have no need to speak to other women, and do not have a very large sexual history. They are completely different things.
It was a good suggestion for you to suggest watching pornography together. Hobbies that people share in a relationship make the relationship stronger. But you are wrong to demand that he can't watch it alone. Pornography and fantasy are a private thing. A lot of people prefer to do it alone and there is nothing wrong with that, and it's not a sign of cheating. You shouldn't be checking up on him this way, that shows you don't trust him at all, and that makes your relationship weak. If you don't like pornography, then ask him to keep it away from you and allow him to do his thing. Many men hate things that women do, but realise that people have the right to do the things that make them happy. Pornography is no threat to you, it's just people having sex and taking off their clothes in video's and magazines. You've seen it, how dose him looking at it without you threaten your relationship?
The fact that you've been in care, the fact that he has more sexual experience than you, the fact that he talks to other girls online, the fact that he's going into the army, these things are real big problems, and this is where you need to spend your energies. If he wants to cheat and be unfaithful he will, and it's not the pornography that will make him do it, he will do it even if he stops looking at pornography. At the moment, you sound very insecure and needy to me, it sounds as if you want to keep him in a box, and that is very suffocating for anyone.
I think that this relationship is not good for you. You will never trust him, and I think you have a good reason, because he will be far away, and he already shows signs that he finds spending time with other women interesting. He refuses to move in with you, I can understand why if you make a noise about the things he enjoys, it's easier for him to stay on his own. But this gives him more opportunities to go back to his old ways....
Sorry babes, I just don't think that you and him have the same understanding about relationships, you have no trust in him, and you don't understand him and you spend all your time trying to make him change. That's not right, and that's not possible. You don't trust him, and he has not shown that he's ready to settle down with you, I suggest you have a long talk about being faithful, but I fear that your relationship is already over, and he's not the right guy for you at all. Sorry, I could be wrong, but there are so many area's of distrust and insecurity in your relationship, I don't see how you can get it to work.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2008): There is nor trust here and that is what you need. Also to be heard. I know it is scary but you are young. You don't have to rush into decisions. What yu can do is write a list of things you would like to see in a man before deciding to be with him. Being heard and respected, feelig able to say how yu feel without fear are all very important. Also, put on your list, no porn. You will find other things which you need as you go on. Some things men do are deal breakers, porn is one of yours and so is a history of sleeping with loads of people. The reason is simple, you would like to see demonstrated that your intended partner sleeps with women he is committed to, not taking them like dinners.
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