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female
age
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anonymous
writes:Im 48 and have been with my husband for 23 years..we'v always had a loving relastionship and our sex life is excellent..iv never had any reason not to trust him and love him deeply..after a night out with my best friend of 30 years we went back to my family home where she was going to spend the night..nothing unusual about that as we often stay at eachothers houses after having a night out together..as my husband had picked us up from the pub he decided to sit with us while we had one last drink before bed..i went into the kitchen to get us some drinks and when i returned i found he had switched to the porn channel on the tv and what seemed to be 2 sexually excited people that then made suggestions that we should have a threesome..i told him to turn it off and made it quite clear that i wasnt prepared to share my husband or go through with this rediculous idea of the three of us having sex in my sitting room with 2 of my children and my grandaughter alseep upstairs..at this point shocked and no believing what im seeing or hearing i went to get myself another drink thinking that was the end of it..when i returned again it was clear they both still wanted this to happen..the porn was back on the tv and they were openly talking about how good it would be for the three of us to have sex..i told them both again how dissapointed in them i was and it was never gona happen and that i was going to bed..they both then realised what big mistake theyd made and appologised but sadly the damage has been done..i now feel they both betryed my trust and direspcted me i dont feel that i cant have a relastionship with either but i love them both.
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best friend, porn, sex life, threesome Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 August 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi.Just another follow up after 8 months have passed for those of you that believe there is no way back from lies..deceit or whatever you might want to call infidelity..I knew when this happened I wasnt gong to throw away my life..a life that was everything i enjoyed and all i ever wanted..I needed to work this out with my husband and i have..Im not saying it was easy..it wasnt and sometimes still is very very hard..i will never forgive him for what he put me through and he will have to continuely keep proving to me that i can trust him..that is something that will get better with more time im sure..time is a great healer and I've learned to be happy with him again..I decided i could no longer have a relationship with my so called friend that just wouldnt work for me so i no longer have any contact whatsoever..I was so very heartbroken to be betrayed by 2 people that i loved but with a lot of tears and determination you can work out it out and once again learn to love
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 January 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks to everyone especially Jilly for your advice im very grateful x Best Wishes for the New Year x
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2010): What a lovely follow-up from the original poster, and she demonstrates more insight and understanding than some of the replies to her original question, asking for advice, someone to listen, someone to off load on to - to hear how she really feels and what she stands for.
This second posting sums up this lady in one - she KNOWS right from wrong, has integrity, she knows that marriage is not something you jeopardise over some fleeting sexual performance. YES, it does matter that he thought about it, YES it does matter that he suggested, went along with the moment, as there is absolutely NO excuse whatsoever for him and this friend to behave like this..NONE!
As for someone saying or likening their words, as not to be taken to heart because there was NO action to follow their words, but ONLY because this wife stepped in and said how she felt. It is already understood from her posting the friend touched her intimately, this is NOT acceptable, nor the suggestions that were made.
Only those who are either very young, not married, would consider sex as being FUN, meaning a PASTIME you share with the opposite sex and not think twice about it afterwards, whilst moving on the next person, would suggest this. NO it clearly wasn't fun, as this woman has been traumatised by it. Lost her trust, faith in her husband and marriage.
Sex in society is becoming like fast food, no thought is given to it, looked upon like it's exchanging phone numbers, well it isn't, and certainly should not be in marriage. I for one, completely understand how she feels betrayed, how she feels so hurt, even though she loves her husband, nevertheless, this situation will leave a mark, and one that will need to be worked on IF this lovely lady is to feel secure and relaxed again.
Original poster, please feel free to let me know how you're getting on.
Jilly x
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIm new to this and not sure how to respond to individual posts..but my husband wasnt drunk he doesnt drink alcohol..if he was i still wouldnt except that as an excuse because i was capable of knowing right from wrong.. id had a good few drinks and so think they were capable too..its the thought that hurts even though they didnt actually touch because you think you know them truely after so many years together..your suddenly confronted with two people that you only think you know..not a best friend and a husband(soul mate)..from that second onwards my life changed i now feel i wont ever trust anyone again..im not saying its wrong for all couples..if theyv discust it and its something they want to explore fine but it was never discussed with my friend or husband and for them to make a decision there and then with something that involved the whole of our lives..i would saying is living very dangerously..they both know me very well and it would have been nice to have been consulted if either had thoughts of anything that might jepodise our love and friendship..i cant help but reflect on a new car my husband bought me last christms which i didnt actually get until the following April..amazing how he can take 5 months to decide if its the right car..yet make a instant decision on something that could possibly distroy our 23 year relationship
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2010): First of all, I'm really sorry this happened. I know it must be a terrible shock.
I feel you should cut this friend out of your life and talk seriously with your husband about why this happened and how long he has been thinking about this. I don't think this is the kind of thing that just comes up out of the blue because you're drunk and watching porn. The desire has to be there and or it has to have been thought about at least.
I agree that the behavior of your friend suggests that she may have some kind of relationship with your husband or at least that they discussed this at some point in some way. I can't see a woman who you have a close, long term friendship with suddenly offering to have a threesome with you and your husband without having mentioned it at all, drunk or not. That just seems incredibly crass, disrespectful and tacky to me.
Your trust has been damaged and if your husband is not willing to repair that, I hope he is, then maybe it is time to consider other options. I just feel this is so disrespectful of you and of your feelings and needs.
I agree about the porn being a negative influence, so I would discuss that also.
Please take care.
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reader, Illithid  +, writes (30 December 2010):
 You say talk is cheap and doesn't matter, what matters is action. But the truth is that there WAS no action, right? She touched you, but you don't say that either of them ever had any contact at all. All they did was bring up an idea with you to see if you were interested, then a second time because they were drunk and thought it sounded fun, but when you weren't interested they dropped it and apologized for ever making the suggestion. (And in all likelihood, they never would have ever thought about it had they not been drinking.) It doesn't sound like your husband wants this woman instead of you, nor that she's trying to sleep with him. It just sounds like they're more casual sexually and you're more conservative and they wanted to run an idea past you. You're shocked they would even think about it, much less actually suggest it, but liqueur makes people's mouths run freely and uncensored.
You say it would hurt just as much if they HAD slept together... really? You can't mean that. The mere thought in either of their heads, "people are attractive and sex is fun," is enough to ruin decades of loving friendship? And remember, neither one of them wanted to do anything without you! They weren't suggesting doing anything that you wouldn't be doing too.
Sometimes people say stupid things, but it doesn't mean that your husband isn't entirely devoted to you, nor does it mean your friend is trying to steal him. They were just horny, and drunk, and stupid people that had a braindead idea that they were too blitzed to realize was a rotten idea. People have fantasies. EVERYONE has fantasies of some sort. It doesn't mean they're going to actually act on them or pursue them in earnest.
Take some time, maybe take a vacation for a weekend to see family, breathe deeply, and see if you forgive them for shooting their mouths off. Just remember that they didn't DO anything except forget that you're not into that sort of thing.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell yes there was alcohol involved but not on my husbands part he doesnt drink and i dont feel even alcohol can be used as an excuse to have sex with your best friends husband..yes maybe they did want to involve me but when it comes down to it they would have ended up having sex with eachother as well as me and the fact they even thought about it has damaged our relationships and the trust has been lost forever
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks Jilly..I found alot of comfort from what youv wriiten as its been impossible for me to talk to anyone about whats happened..she was my best friend and the only person i felt close enough to share my problems with and as i can no longer do that i felt very alone with this one..i was very supprised when i walked in and the porn channel was on the tv..hes a lovely guy and i certainly never saw that coming..i think he just got carried away in the moment and thought hed take advantage of what he obviously saw as an opportunity to turn his fantasy into reality..big mistake..shes spent many nights at our house over the years and like i said neither has given me reason to not trust them..she even said hes never made her feel uncomfortable..but as soon as she realised the porn was on she started touching me in a suggestive manner and asking my husband if he would care to watch us together..and he jumped in all guns blazing with a yes he would love to..i was disgusted to think she was even thinking of touching me and equally as discusted to think he would not only want to share me but want to watch another person touch me intimately be it a woman or a man..i would never want to share him.. i love him totally and yes we'v had our differences as do all couples but never anything serious enough to let the sun go down on..i dont want to hurt him with making his life a misery for what hes done and hes said hes sorry but like you said talk is cheap and the trust has been lost..i dont know how to move on with this huge wedge between us..iv spoken to a councellor but sadly they seem to be concentrating on why it happened rather than trying to deal with how to move on..we talked about it and there isnt a reason apart from it was a fantasy that hed tried to turn into reality..we dont have any underlying realationship problems..we have a gorgeous family..a beautiful home and we are lucky not to have any money worries..as for my friend well i let her stay the night as arranged as she was over the limit to drive and there was 3ft of snow on the ground outside..im not usually the sort of person that thinks before they act but on this occasion i did look at the whole picture very carefully and consider all options..i love my husband even though i hate the position hes put me in and even though nothing acutally happened the sugestion was enough to do as much damage as if theyd have had sex..i went off to work in the morning and left her in the house with my husband yes stupid maybe but i just wanted to get away without confrontation as i was still in shock and needed to think before i acted..the children were already up and about so i wasnt worried anything would happen between them but now i have visions of them discussing the night before and now i will never know what was said..i dont feel i can have a relationship with her again the trust has gone completely..i dont want them anywhere near eachother but i do want to try and save my marriage..i dont know how to move on but i will do my best to try without involving or hurting any of the children with the discusting details..of two people they also love and trust..thanks again x
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2010): Oh dear, I am so upset just reading your post, how absolutely awful for you. You obviously are a lady of integrity, and believe in commitment, friendship and follow up with actions to match, which makes this situation even more dreadful and painful for you. I'm so sorry!
I agree, that a husband and father, with his children and grandchildren sleeping upstairs, embracing the idea of porn being shown whilst they're sleeping, where they could wake any time, witness that, or whatever else he had in his mind, is beyond me. He is clearly NOT of the same mind as you with regards to the sanctity of marriage, as he has treated IT and YOU as though you were just a casual 'body'that can be used for sex, along with this so called friend of yours, and not have it affect your feelings. Utterly unbelievable!
Threesomes are never a good idea, well not as far as I'm concerned, and certainly not within a marriage, and well done you for NOT agreeing to it, if you had I'm afraid Pandora's box would be well and truly opened, as your husband would then know you were willing to share him, and from that, he has permission for sex with other women.
I wonder if this had been reversed IF it had been another man instead of your friend, whether he would be so keen to have a threesome, I think not!
However, that is not what has happened, and my thoughts I'm afraid, there is more to your friend than you think or have noticed. If I had a friend of 30 years, which I do, and her husband ( he wouldn't) suggested a threesome, and putting on porn in my company, I would be horrified, and immediately TELL HIM SO, demand he switch it off, and comfort my friend.
Your 'so called friend' is a little too comfortable and familiar with your husband, even IF nothing has ever happened like this before, this is a HUGE leap from being the friend of you, to being a potential 'SEXTOY' for nothing more copulation. Not sure which is worse, or what it says about her, ( forgetting this man of a husband of yours for minute) that she would cross the boundaries of your friendship, and that she is perfectly at ease with being used for sex only..hmmm..either way, is she someone you want to keep in your life, for me, it would be the end, apologies or not. Words are words and they're cheap, it's action and real reliability, truth, loyalty and TRUST that makes a friendship and marriage.
I know very little about your marriage or husband, as any posting can never really give the FULL picture, as people tend to pick out what they think is relevant, and sometimes leave out from the bigger picture, lots of little things that add up over the months or years, that when they really reflect, there where signs that could suggest changes in the relationship.
I do note, that you didn't seem surprised by the porn, ONLY that it was being shown with your friend in the room, as though you are accustomed to him watching porn whilst your children sleep above him.
Porn very often leads to additional demands when it's used on a regular basis, so much on porn, on DC, like anything if it is used to excess, it can affect our normal relationships, we disconnect emotionally, and see females more as body parts to experiment and act like the females in porn films. As NONE of them demonstrate any commitment needed, any emotion needed for sex, which I'm afraid eventually erodes any deep emotional bond between two people, and that is why I mention it, because your husband seems perfectly comfortable with risking his marriage and hurting you for the sake of copulating, and I put it in broad terms, as that is what it is.
I would suggest perhaps couple counselling, as this must have damaged your TRUST, bond, what YOU thought you had with your husband, but turns out you didn't. I suspect he won't see the need to work through this, as he will see it something not to worry about too much - I hope not though for your sake, as this is very serious emotionally for you.
You need to talk, you need to think about IF this is a marriage you want to continue with, what are YOUR boundaries that you won't allow any man or friend to cross, and if they do, they know the consequences by losing you as a friend or wife. Too many females don't set boundaries, and permit, time and time again for apologies to be made, only for a friend or lover, husband or partner to repeatedly cross and push the boundaries further and further, where eventually the female ends up chained by her own limitations, of what she will or won't accept within a relationship.
Just read on DC all the women who have been married for 20, 30 or so years, who turned a blind eye, went along with his demands, or his porn, only 5, 10 years later find themselves living the life of a doormat..Please DON'T let this happen to you, you have principles and integrity, so use both wisely and consider what YOU want, as he hasn't considered what you want or feel, so you'll have to take that responsibility yourself.
Please, please let me know how you get on, as I say, I feel so upset for you.
Take care
Jilly
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2010): I think you're overreacting. It sounds like everybody got drunk, everybody felt sexy and thought you were sexy too, and when people get drunk and aroused they'll say or do things they normally wouldn't do.
The important thing I think you should keep in mind is that they wanted to have a threesome with you, not a twosome without you. I think that goes a long way toward the respect they have for you. They didn't cheat behind your back, they just wanted a sexy threesome with you, and you didn't.
I think you should just relax. If you need to talk to them about it, do it while sober and talk to them separately. Tell them you felt betrayed but after thinking about it you realize they were caught up in the moment. Tell them you're not interested in threesome activities but you appreciate the fact that they didn't do anything sexual behind your back and you realize that strengthens the trust you have for both of them.
The old adage about "no harm no foul" rings true here if you really think about it. They asked, but didn't force you and didn't do anything to actually betray any trust.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2010): I think you should talk about what happened with both of them SEPARATLY.
maybe ur friend was a bit drunk and not knowing what she's doing
and maybe ur husband wants to experience this threesome thingy cz he finds it exciting...
we all have sexual fantasies... talk to him about his, and tell him yours... maybe it's his fantasy
i know it might be hard for you, but i don't consider it as a betrayel cz it was happening infront of you... if it was it would've happened secretly right?
talk about what's bothering you.... and make urself clear about what you want... i think that's the best solution
hope everything will be ok
take care and best wishes
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reader, ily170 +, writes (30 December 2010):
how many drinks had yall had before this 3sum was discussed??i would sitdown with them seperattly and explain your feelings of how innapropriate this idea was and how hurt you were. Then keep a close eye on them together and maybe no more sleep overs for awile
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2010): oh dear, i can understand how horrible you feel.i feel they have not betrayed you. its just the porn movie that ignited the desire in them. well u being very clear to them they realied their mistakes. forget this scenario now. at this age u should not keep all this things in heart. enjoy the life as though nothing happened.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2010): The shock you are feeling is totally understandable. On a few levels, that they were watching porn, that your friend thought of both of you in a sexual light, and visa versa. It will be hard to come back to normality. You need to think through what this means to you. Whether you can put it down to a moments stupidity on both their parts or view it as totally beyond acceptable behaviour. I think you are going to have to take the 'stupidity' line (had your friend had a lot to drink I wonder). I'm sure they know what they suggested hurt you deeply, make sure they realise that and give them a chance to make ammends.
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