A
female
age
51-59,
*oomblondie33
writes:How to deal with a man who use to visit strip clubs when he was single!!My boyfriend was a strip club visitor when he was single. He tries explaining to me that he feels those were better places to hang out, have a beer and relax, than a normal bar. He also explained he wasn't there trying to get laid etc but that he ended up being a regular at this one place and he would just go, hang with some of the other regulars there, drink a few beers, watch some boobies and go home. Now he does not go out a lot, maybe two times in the year we have been together, but the one time he did go to a strip club with his friend. I wasn't super upset because he was honest with me, but I also told him, no lap dances. Now ever since then he made a few comments about it being the most boring time he had at a strip club, and that if he does go out, those places are not his first choice but that if he did go, he doesn't want me upset or thinking he's cheating etc on me. He is trust worthy but I am in the thinking that, that sort of thing was what he did when he was single and I don't see a reason to go now. No, I am not jealous of those women, I know he loves me and I am no slouch in the looks department and he has told me I am by far the hottest woman he's ever been with. But am I wrong to not want him going to those places, even if its once or twice a year? I just don't see a reason he needs to make it that type of place, if he's just going out with his friends, relaxing and drinking a few beers. I would prefer a regular bar. What do you think? Am I wrong? As I said, I know I can trust him, this is not an issue, but is it wrong of me to not want him there?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2011): I would personally say its not acceptable to go to a strip club whilst in a relationship. Its up to you what you choose to do as some women hate it and some don't mind.
He's open with you so he clearly has nothing to hide but if you're not comfortable with it you should talk about it:)
A
male
reader, Odds +, writes (26 May 2011):
 Once or twice a year is probably fine. Strip clubs are a lot more relaxing and enjoyable than regular bars, even if you can't get a dance. Nice ambience. Much better place to have a few beers and catch up with friends. As for going to clubs in the past, would you want him holding your past against you?
Still, even if we accept for now that there is nothing objectively wrong with it, you and he can set individual terms for your relationship. Just because it's fine for some doesn't mean it has to be fine for you.
Now, you have let him go a time or two already, and that's alright. You retain the right to change your mind, so long as you don't hold the prior visits against him. Just be honest with him. You can say something like, "I thought I was okay with it, but after you went I realized I'm not. I'm not going to get mad about the past, but please don't go to strip clubs anymore?" Rephrase it to your liking, but that message should get across your feelings without coming down on him too hard. Just so long as you're asking for teamwork, not chastising him for failing to read your mind.
@ Honeypie: ".. it's JUST BOOBIES people!"
I'm sure if I came from a place where they were always available for viewing/touching, without effort, I'd think the same thing. But, I don't. So, boobies = awesome.
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female
reader, Honeygirl  +, writes (26 May 2011):
 Sounds like the lame excuse men use for buying a porn mag.. "they only bought it for the insert on the car"
How would he feel if you hung out in a strip bar oogling naked men all the time - my bet is he wouldnt like it!
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2011): I used to go to strip clubs infrequently, and it always seemed most guys were there for the ego trip. Something about being around sexy naked women that makes a lot of guys think they "still got it" or whatever. Makes sense, because most guys in tehse places are rather unattractive or nerdy as hell and probably could not get women like that, I guess they think. I was never there to get laid, get horny or act out anything. It is fantasy. The girls make you feel like they are attracted to you and you go along with it. But you know damn well they just want money, so you go along with it. I NEVER thought about picking up a stripper or even got super horny...even from a lap dance (well, there was one time, OK), but normally, no. And how would you...you are in a room full of mostly working class guys, reeks of beer and smoke, and the girls usually look about as excited as a college student at an 8AM Trig class.What I'm trying to say is, don't worry about it. If you don't like him going, he needs to respect that. But don't assume he is looking for strange just because he fantasizes. Fantasy is healthy expression and can enhance relationships if it is done in a controlled way.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (26 May 2011):
 Honestly, I think strip clubs are like porn.. LAME!
Bunch of selfabsorbed or desperate women taking their clothes off for money.. that is hot? really? I think it's sad.
Where I come from, nakedness is not taboo like it is in the US - where it's now the "new black" to "sexually liberated" and go to stripclubs with your BF/DH/GF... it's JUST BOOBIES people!
However, if my husband wanted to go to a strip club,, he could go. It wouldn't bother me. (as long as he doesn't spend any more money there then he would going to a bar with friends).
I'd RATHER he goes to a "notmal" bar though, mostly because I see no reason to financially support something I find demeaning to men and women alike.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2011): While I'm not a fan of strip clubs in Ireland because they genuinely are seedy places, cheap and pretty much illegal. When I lived in Europe I found them great places to hang out.
It's the one place you can go as a guy and truly relax, in an almost all male environment, watch a sports game and fart, burp, scratch your balls, talk crap and look at a lovely woman's body without getting a dirty look in return, you don't have to dress to impress, no one is going to be looking at you or judging you because all attention is understandably on the ladies. They're very strictly controlled so you don't get messy drunken men or women getting out of line and knocking your drinks over or starting fights. People are generally respectful there and the ladies dancing are lovely people too.
Women in regular bars wear so little anyway there's nothing left to the imagination, there is very little difference sometimes, flashing their boobs or asses and dancing on tables wasted drunk. In fact when you're surrounded by naked women in a strip club, you see everything so you get used to it really and unless you're going to have a private dance you do tend to become immune to it after a while.
By far my favourite aspect of them was simply the whole social setting is completely different, you don't see guys sleazing on girls, that don't want to be sleazed on, there is definitely no unwanted groping either. No people falling all over the place drunk, you don't see guys blatantly taking advantage of girls who are too drunk, or grinding with every girl on the dance floor. I can honestly say the strippers themselves conduct themselves in a manner that commands more respect from the guys there than most of the drunken women you'll meet in regular bars. They have a power over you, if they bat an eyelid you're kicked out the door, if you lay a hand on them that hand will be broken (no joke) that's a crime to do to any woman without consent, strippers are no different.
I say you go see for yourself OP some of these places are really nice, relaxed places and some of the girls are professional dancers that do some amazing acrobatic things. It's like a cabaret. If you want to see what it's like for a woman to have complete domination over a guy then see what strippers do. I took my girlfriend to them a few times and she's even gotten a few lap dances, she thought they were great. She's not attracted to women or anything but she liked the up close sensuality and tease of being that close to another person safe in the knowledge that no boundaries would be crossed.
As regards your own feelings about the place it seems simple enough to me, he said he didn't really like it last time he went, so if you're really that uncomfortable with it then I see no reason why he would go again. Again though I suggest you ask him to take you there some night and you can see how things work for yourself. If he likes to go every once and a while go too, you may actually enjoy yourself and you'll at least get a better idea of what he liked about those places.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2011): If it upsets you its NOT ok. Why deny how you feel? It is disrespectful to you. If you went to ogle male strippers with friends would he mind? So many men are hypocritical. Ask him if he would like you relaxing watching fit naked men moving in ftont of you?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2011): I used to be really against my husband going to them too until I actually went to a few strip clubs with groups of male friends. I actually used to feel bad for the women who were stripping because I felt like they were maybe forced to be there and saw no other way to make $$ etc...and the men who were there were exploiting them. Honestly I've changed my opinion on them because the women who are stripping are most likely 1) empowered by doing it, 2) in it just for the money and/or 3)getting off on all the attention. The guys that are there are mostly just there to have a drink and look at boobies just like you said, and mostly because they have succumbed to peer pressure from someone and don't really want to be there anyway. Definitely they do not go to get off with the stripper even after a lap dance. I hope most would want to do it in private. It's just entertainment. No big deal.
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female
reader, scarlet8 +, writes (26 May 2011):
If he was to touch the stripper a big body gaurd would throw him out altho a strip club is distastful mention that you want to go to a male strip club and see if he sings the same tune the best choice tho is to resolve the trust issuses before jelousy takes your relationship over
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female
reader, person12345 +, writes (26 May 2011):
 I don't think he's trying to sleep with them, first off I just doubt he'd want to and second off most strippers hate the men who visit strip clubs. But I agree that it's quite frankly, a sleazy thing to do, especially while in a relationship. It shows a great deal of disrespect for your relationship and for women in general. There's no reason they can't go to a bar if they want to hang out. I don't think it's unreasonable to ask him to hang out at a bar and not a strip club. He's out to be with friends, not ogle naked women.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (26 May 2011):
 why not go to the strip club with him? some of the best times I had were at strip clubs with other couples and my then husband.
He's just looking, there is NO touching of the women and they are certainly not going to get laid....
have you ever been in a strip club?
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female
reader, RedAthena +, writes (26 May 2011):
 You trust him. You love him.He is having some fun with his buddies 1-2 times a year?Let it go. Give him a kiss and maybe even PERMISSION to head to a club with a bud for a night out. It is reasonable to say "No lapdances", but why restrict him?At the most, he will come home "preheated" to YOU.:) Sounds like he is being honest and PREFERS YOU. Just because you are on a diet, does not mean you can not look at the "dessert menu" once in awhile. A man truly in love will be bored with the offerings and head on home for some home-baked lovin. Sounds like it just a night with the buds to feel young and relax. If you restrict him from just visiting his youthful ways in a responsible way...he might resent you.Be the "COOL" girlfreind that sends him off with a smile to his night out. Maybe go have some fun of YOUR own with the gals and meet up later? *Wink. You might find yourself thrilled to have those Bi-annual evenings out:)Best Wishes.
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