A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I've been with my boyfriend for just over a year. Our relationship really is great. He's thoughtful, loving and great fun (who thought you could have all three?!)My problem is there is a certain aspect to his personality that I don't like. Now let me just get this clear. I DO NOT want to change him. I don't want to be 'that person'. But I just need to know whether you think this is a dealbreaker or not.So in the past he was a bit of a player. He's slept with over 40 women and him and his mates are all your typical 'lads'. They refer to girls as 'bitches' (not in a nasty way, more like banter). And their conversations seem to always stem to past conquests, how attractive the women around them are etc.He's already stated if he got married he'd definitely want to hire a stripper for his stag party. I looked into what goes on at these parties and it makes me feel sick that he'd want this right before getting married.The problem is, I'm a bit of a feminist. I really hate hearing people talk about women like objects and I struggle to agree with the whole 'we're men, we can't help it' excuse.I guess I just want to know if you guys think I'm being unfair or not. He hasn't actually done anything wrong. I don't think he's a horrible person I just wonder if we are too different to have a future together. What do you think?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465  +, writes (24 March 2014):
 You start with: " Our relationship really is great."... then continue with a submittal that subverts that statement... chipping away at it until we Aunts and Uncles can clearly see that your "boyfriend" is a man-child who has a mysogenistic bent.... has little of no respect for you (or any other woman)... and who - predictably - will bring you to your knees, in despair, if you are gullible enough to believe your first line, and try to make this "relationship" work....
You can do a LOT better!!!!!
Good luck....
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 March 2014): Great guy? What qualities are priority for you? Respect for women? Where is that on your list? Sounds like he has none!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 March 2014): Everything positive you describe at the beginning of your post, gets cancelled out by everything you say at the end.
It's almost like you're delusional about the guy's personality. You talk about how fun and thoughtful he is. Then describe yourself as somewhat of a feminist(?).
No feminist I know will allow guys to refer to women as bitches; nor do they allow guys to talk locker-room trash about women in their presence.
As for the stripper stuff? That's just giving you head's up and conditioning you; to get used to the fact the guy is a dick. No if's, and's, or but's about it.
They have no respect for you, or any other women. Females are just objects; and NO, it's not a guy thing. It's a jerk-thing. Men should be respectful in your presence. Playful is one thing, force of habit is another. You think you have a reformed-player. He's just an expect at pulling the wool over your eyes. He's had lots of practice.
Men may have their unsavory ways of discussing females when we're in "all-male" settings. It's never within earshot of anyone who might be offended by it. It's just juvenile guy-talk. Just as women harmlessly make not so flattering references to men; but there is no derogatory intent.
Your boyfriend and his friends are tools. You may dismiss his poor behavior, or rationalize it. It only hit you when he said he wanted a stripper?
He brags of his "conquests." That means he has used and objectified most women he has known in his past. he doesn't sound so thoughtful to me. Players don't speak on behalf of the rest of us guys. They see no wrong in disrespecting and using women. I have no advice for you here. It's totally your call.
If you've put up with him this long. You may as well keep him.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 March 2014): What he says is a function of what he thinks.
You are most blind to his flaws now but in time, it will grate on you. Not only that, but he'll relax even more around you and will speak even more dismissively about women in your presence. So your values will diverge.
My partner would never use language like that, nor would any of the men I respect. I personally could not be around someone like him for very long. I would definitely not want to share parental rights with him. Can you imagine what your little boys will learn from him? What your little girls will learn about themselves?
Feminism is not just theoretical. It's practical.
In the same way you would not ( I hope) date someone who slings racial slurs at your race but says you're ok because you're different... you would rather not date somone who slings slurs at your gender but says you're ok because you're different. You're not. When he calls them bitches. You're included.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (24 March 2014):
 Have you talked to him about it? How it makes you cringe and how it makes you feel?
This is not about "oh boy will be boy" - no, boys become men. And when they become men they STOP acting like horny little teenagers.
As for the stripper at the stag party.. lame, but I do know some people find it a "must". Again talk about, ask him how he would feel if you had some Chippendale stripper ALL OVER you at YOUR hen party.. (bet you he wouldn't find THAT so hot of an idea).
I would, 1. talk to him and 2. stop making excuses for this kind of slagging of women. (if that is how they "banter" they can kindly do it when you are not around).
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