A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi Agony Aunts/Uncles,Wonder if anyone can give me some good advice?I've been with my boyfriend for 2.5/3 years, with a rocky middle part inc. a 3 month break up. (Due to lack of maturity on his part and he's worked hard to piece us back together. Now It's fab and all very equal.)The beginning 6 months, and the recent 8 months have been the best. We've been back together 18 months since the break up. With a steady progression, and now we have great communication and no lingering issues or trust problems. He is wanting to move in, and I've been slightly hesitant, I live alone and love it, but see no reason why we wouldn't live together successfully, we spend almost 5 nights together as it is. We've discussed dynamics and finances, and currently making space for him.My query lies here:1 month after we got back together I had a work course and got on really with a guy on the course, we stayed in contact on social media. We've met up 3 times, and he went travelling for roughly a year since then and now. We would write some causal life updates/anecdote emails every once in a while. H'ed also sent postcard and small gift while travelling.He then came out and said, he really really likes me, so wants to stop contact because he cant have me since i'm in a relationship. So I said I understood, and is a good idea. We stopped writing, but do now and again write comments on each others profile updates.We met up the other day, just as we were passing paths and had a coffee just to say hi and I kinda hoped he'd moved on and perhaps we could have a platonic friendship because hes a great all round interesting, fun person. But he clearly still holds a flame for me, and there is still a natural chemistry both ways. If we were both single, we'd clearly explore that chemistry.The next day, I found myself feeling very emotional and wondered why I found myself tearful, I was dreaming of what me and this guy would be like, but ridiculing myself because I'm in a happy loving relationship.There are differences between him and my bf, but i don't know this guys bad habits or traits, and I know my boyfriend very well. This guy appears to have got his life working very well for him, hes confident and friendly; my boyfriend, I've had a great deal of influence over him and encouragement of growing his maturity and the wider life picture. I now encourage him to keep his own identity, because I'm independent and need my own. (He loves to spend as much time together as possible) - I do too, but enjoy my own time (I'm an only child and have lived alone for 3 years!) I say we are now very equal above, because we share our thoughts and opinions, wants and needs, and compromise so we both are happy.Just wanted to get some outside thoughts to my situation/emotions, is my interest in this other chap normal attraction people go through and I need to cut him out and focus on boyfriend?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2014): Hi All,
Thanks for taking the time to respond to my post.
You all make very good points. WiseOwl appeared to have pulled up a chair and took a seat in my mind.
Maybe I do like the guy more than I've been willing to admit, but as CMMP says I'm really worried I'm filling in the blanks. When I re met up with him, I kinda hoped I'd learn something awful about him, so I can make him a monster in my head that I'd never want to date. But he didn't he was his consistent usual self with lots of interesting things going on around him. He's not afraid of pursuing what he wants in any goal, hes afraid of heights, so hes making his mission to tackle this fear. I love it.
My boyfriend is a lot more introvert, steely quiet determined kinda guy, needs a lot of encouragement to try new things.
I have to plant seeds over a period of time to get him to take to a new idea. Thats not a bad thing, its just I have to be more planned than spontaneous, which I tell myself is a good thing, because I jump two feet into everything, and probably push myself too much.
I guess I worry a little I don't feel challenged, it's me leading everything, I want to do a/ we do a/ I want to do b/ we learn to do b. He would quite happily just humour whatever new skill I suggest together. So I guess I overly emphasise its great, because it feels like there's nothing I can't do, he supports it all. Hence what on earth have I got to complain about? I'm just looking for new life challenges constantly and need to chill out a bit. I work really hard, so find being active minded helps me to de stress and forget about work or I work myself up too much.
I have a fear of heights too, I love the idea he is conquering it, and wish I had the opportunity to do so to with him. He went travelling, I'd quite happily have arranged 3 months off work and joined him. I suggest it to my boyfriend, I've had a goal when I hit 30, I'll take 3 months out, he tells me that's a crazy idea, what about savings and our jobs, maybe I'm luckier that my job allows me to be more freer. But I have to lose the idea because he just can't fathom leaving a job to do something like it (he can afford it - hes a massive saver, as am I). A friend of mine is thinking about something similar next summer, but I know my boyfriend will be distraught if I take off for a month or two without him.
So i'm hesitant, because living together, I know it compromises these future fun ideas. He likes security, I like freedom, but in a controlled way, not a wreckless way. Lifes for living and experiences, not just working and saving for organised rainy days.
Its hard for me to think, will this work in the long run? I just know its working "today". The thought of not having him by my side also really upsets me. I love that he puts of with my whims and excitable-ness. I just know my whims could perhaps become more reality if he was maybe more compatible? I just don't know?
A
male
reader, CMMP  +, writes (22 April 2014):
Attraction is okay but it can easily turn into something inappropriate.
I think you have a pretty good understanding of the situation. The new guy seems great because, let's face it, the less you know about someone the better. Your brain fills in the blank with positive things, and you've yet to see any bad side.
Trading in a happy relationship for a new one is a bad habit to get into.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 April 2014): Attraction to other people is normal.
What is worrying is when you fraternise with people you're attracted to.
After 3 years together you probably know enough to know whether you're happy to spend together with him. If not, then you're wasting your time and his time.
Honestly, you sound disatisfied with your boyfriend, he's not going that x factor you're craving for.
Go with your instinct. But remember that staying with somone out of habit is not a longterm arrangement.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 April 2014): It is only human, and completely possible, to form attractions to other people while in a stable and successful relationship. You just have to control the temptation that naturally occurs between two people, that can turn romantic and/or sexual; when they should only be platonic.
Commitment means setting and enforcing emotional boundaries.
Being exclusive. It doesn't mean you can't or will not feel attractions outside a monogamous relationship. That's the purpose of forming the commitment. The deliberate effort To exclude others, out of your devotion to one. It is one of the major challenges we face to a relationship or marriage.
If you sense sexual-tension and attraction building; it is best you eliminate the source. Break it off, because you can't be around the guy without having feelings for him.
I read your post twice. I took note of the way you are reassuring how good things are going in the current relationship. Yet your feelings wandered off; and you connected with somebody else.
There's always the proverbial "but!" Lets just simplify this and say, you met a guy; and you think you really like him. They way you should only care for your boyfriend. You feel guilty about that.
Maybe you reconciled with your boyfriend and you're now having second thoughts about that. His moving in would reinforce your commitment to him. That would almost be like being in a marriage. Living in and sharing intimate space.
In all honesty? You just might like the other guy better. What to do?
You can't "forget" the feelings of attraction. All you can do is "resist" them. That is, if you are truly committed to making your current relationship work. Your end of the agreement is to take him back if he put forth an effort to make it work. Seems like a complication has just set in.
With doubt in your mind, DO NOT move your boyfriend in.
Get rid of the hesitation first.
If you're not fully up to doing it, be totally honest about it. Don't secretly feel pressured, and do it. When you do something for someone you really don't want to do, that might create resentment.
Your reconciliation with your boyfriend is a work in progress. So you will hit a few bumps. It's the tests and trials that come along that determine if you made the right decision to take him back. Alrighty then!
That brief taste of freedom during your three-month breakup re-ignited your sense of independence. That is what happens 99.99% of the time when you "take a break." Now a new challenge presents itself. Technically, you are cheating. Psychologically, that is. Don't be offended. Think about it first. I'm not accusing you of cheating in the biblical sense.
You're not coming clean about the fact you may be growing feelings for the other guy, and that's why you feel hesitant.
Before you move your boyfriend in. Completely end your friendship with the other guy first. This process should be done using logic. Not just emotion. What is really right for you? What would make you happy? It's a decision of what is the best thing to do. For both of you.
Otherwise; you will always feel conflicted. You don't just like the guy as a friend. You are falling for him.
If you feel torn. You just may have already fallen for the guy; and maybe it is time you decide if you really want to end your relationship altogether, and move on. Maybe pursue other opportunities.
What you do in the end, basically will be determined by how much you love your boyfriend. It's as simple as that.
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