A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'm a 20/F who has been dating my boyfriend for the past 8 months. For background, 5 of these months have been long distance (with visits). The separation is temporary- due to study abroad and international internships. (More background- question at the bottom) We've remained quite close emotionally and intellectually through our daily 1-2 hour FaceTime sessions and I'm very much in love with him and appreciate the support he gives me. I realize that we could still be in the honeymoon phase due to the long distance nature- but I also believe we both see each others' flaws and the other as a person- not some romanticized image of an SO. Overall, we both think our personalities are quite compatible and complement one another- eg my organization and analytical skills balance well against his slightly more abstract vision and big-picture focus- and we appreciate one another even more for that!In our conversations, I'll occasionally notice that we're talking a lot about him and not so much about me. (And usually it's pretty 50/50, not focused more on me) There was one period that this was happening repeatedly and I brought this up to him, telling him that it wasn't ok and that he needed to ask more about me if he's serious about the relationship. He was very concerned and attentive when I said that. Since then, he's been very good about asking about my activities and showing that he's really listening- which I appreciate :). However, the past two days, he's been very busy with work (studying at a prestigious university) and talking allllll about that with few questions about me/less balanced conversation. ***My question for you- are there any "tactics" I can use to encourage him to dig a little deeper into me? Without directly asking? I'm good at asserting myself, especially if there's something big I want to talk about, and most of the time, he's good about asking me lots of things. But I've noticed that when he gets super busy, I feel a little bit neglected. Is this just a slight insecurity? Something to compromise about and support him more instead? I want to maintain his respect for me.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2014): If he's attending a prestigious college abroad; I'd say during phone-chat;he may be preoccupied with "self-accomplishment." Eager to regurgitate all about me, myself, and I. Egotistical overkill. Trying too hard to impress you.
Your relationship is fairly new; so you're working out the kinks. Bring this to his attention; but only one more time!
Communication strained by distance, tends to make people (especially guys) a little less polite; maybe less emotionally-connected. His mind is congested with his own life-episodes, and he has little space leftover for inquiring about yours. Sometimes people avoid asking personal questions; if the response is full of woe and frustration. They're avoiding a downer, or listening to your complaints. People who care, listen anyway.
It's easy to talk about himself; because that's most guy's favorite topic. I usually start my conversations with talkative "self-advertising" people; by offering them a cue: "You may want to hear this! It might take a little time to explain." Learn to even-out conversations. If you give him the floor, he'll filibuster.
Don't wait for his questions; expound on your day like he does. If you've got something to say, say it.
Excuse any interruptions until you're finished. I think he just likes to be heard and, doesn't like to listen. Possibly, because he listens to lectures and speeches all day long! We all get deluged with so much information over the course of a day; our interpersonal-skills and courtesy towards others becomes a bit challenged. I'm not making excuses for him. You're right on target by making it an issue!
You must realize you have to be more assertive. Chop-off a little of his self-updates. Just inform him that "I've got something to tell you too!" Allow yourself more air-time. Make him more curious about "what's up with you?" Be mysterious. Limit telling him your plans. Leave out important details and avoid spoiler-alerts. Peak his curiosity by telling only half the story. Force him to have to follow-up for the details to make it all make sense.
Sometimes it's necessary to politely interrupt. While he is going on and on about himself; wait for a pause. Then start telling him about your day, and what's going on for you.
Don't wait to be asked.
If you update everything on Facebook and through social media, nothing you tell him is really news. There's very little to ask about.
If he has a short phone attention-span; then save more to talk about during visits. If you text him day in and day out, what's left to ask? Not saying you do, but let a guilty-conscience correct itself.
When things are happening for you; "call" and offer an instant update on significant news and interesting experiences. Take control of the conversation if you're the one who called. If he misses you, he just wants to spill his guts. He may just be all too eager to tell you about his accomplishments and experiences; he doesn't bother to ask you anything. That is because he doesn't want to take the time to listen. He just wants your attention, and isn't giving you his. That's a matter of respect and courtesy. And/or maybe a sign he misses spending more face-time with you.
You describe how great the relationship is; and how you've mentioned it all to him before. Perhaps he finds the things you tell him trivial compared to his own life. Be that the case; perhaps you're overlooking a deal-breaker. You shouldn't have to approach this topic bust once or twice; if he really cares.
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