A
female
age
41-50,
*onfusedandmiserable
writes:My husband and I dated for 4 years before marriage and we have been married 1.5 yrs, are in counseling already. There is no emotional, physical or spiritual connection anymore and I don't want to live like this. I have a habit that is not particularly legal but have had this habit for some years now (smoke a little MJ). My husband seems to think that because we got married, I should change and my habits along with everything else. He picks apart every word I say, how I say it and to who; I am no longer to have male friends (although I have known them since we started dating or before); crazy accusations, etc. He stated, he thought once married "I would get better"?! I don't understand why you would marry someone thinking that that person is not what or who you want but that they would be better later?? My husband did support me financially and emotionally during a period of my life when I was unstable and for a long time I felt like I owed him but now I feel like I owe it to myself to live happyily. Should I change my habits, friends and way of life to suite what he feels his "wife" should be? Is it fair to ask someone to be someone their not because you hoped they would be? Please help, I am on the verge of divorce at 28.
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male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (18 March 2008):
 Marriage is two single people trying to share their lifes. If you do NOT adjust this will be impossible. Lets try some basic stuff.
You can no longer watch tv in bed whenever you want, because your spouse might be trying to sleep. You got to pick a side of the bed to sleep on. You are going to have to agree on a temp for the thermo stat. It makes no sense for each of you to cook your own meal but a shared meal will have to suit both your tastes.
Simple, obvious even but this stuff leads to a lot of fights. Take cooking. The cook will probably be upset if the eater isn't there on time or has already eaten, all of a sudden you are adjusting your life to when your partner is in the kitchen.
We also make changes to our social life. Yes you can have other friends, even opposite sex ones, but it should be clear that your spouse is your best friend and the only who you are intimate with. That is after all what marriage is, two people who remove themselves from the dating scene because they found their mate. If your dating life continues as before the marriage, why did you marry?
It sounds like you married without love out of a sense of obligation and now that feeling is gone. It happens, you made a mistake, now you got to be honest with yourselve, do you want out or do you want to make it work?
It sounds like you want out, then get out, but if you want to make it work you are going to have to accept that you can no longer go on as if you were single.
Pot is illegal in the US and can lead to you going to jail and possibly your husband too (we get some real horror stories about US drug laws in holland). You being arrested and jailed when single is your business, but now you are married and your husband IS involved.
It sounds like he made a classic woman mistake, that the partner would change to his likening once married. Nope, rarely happens. Didn't happen in your case. End the marriage because you don't want to be in it. Remember you are asking him to adjust as much as he is asking you. You can only meet in the middle if BOTH sides meet in the middle, neither of you is doing that.
A
female
reader, confusedandmiserable +, writes (18 March 2008):
confusedandmiserable is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thanks for all the responses, it is refreshing to hear outside opinions from people who have had similar experiences. I am going to keep hope alive and cut back on the MJ. But for the record - Annalisa, I do not go to clubs or bars and come home drunk because I don't like those types of settings, married or not. Nor do I intentionally flirt with others. When I did have male friends, they were only ever around when I was with my now husband and we didn't talk on the phone very often. Either way I don't know nor care who he is friends with as long as they are good people (male or female). I trust him enough and have enough respect for myself to not get jealous. I also failed to mention that he has a problem with every single last one of my female friends too, even ones he introduced me to. I am in agreeance with Korculan queen with the control thing but I won't give up yet, there is nothing wrong with trying to talk it out like Raima said. Keep you posted and again thanks!
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A
female
reader, confusedandmiserable +, writes (18 March 2008):
confusedandmiserable is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for all your responses, it is refreshing to hear an outside opinion and you are all so right in a lot of ways it is scary. I will keep you posted, thanks again.
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A
female
reader, raima  +, writes (18 March 2008):
 well dear friend....as fas as my experienced concern dont change yourself just because someone wants you to change yeah just try to adjust yourself for him. May be i am wrong but my husband is also same like yours.
just try to make a healthy relation between you and him slowly slowly definately there would be no problem between you guys.
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A
male
reader, Collaroy  +, writes (17 March 2008):
 Hi there,
I also like the odd puff myself. So I certainly am not going to judge you on that.
I think you are now seeing a very controlling aspect to your husband's personality. Maybe on the surface it could be argued that he is simply trying to get you to spend more time with him as a married couple over spending time with mates. But it is a lot more serious than that isnt it? He is actually trying to control you. I don't hold much hope for your future, you will end up giving up the pot and friends do come and go over the years, but his controlling nature will not budge with time. At 28 you are still young, maybe its time to look ahead to a different future.
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A
female
reader, korculan queen +, writes (17 March 2008):
Ok maybe the mary joanna you partake in and the friends you keep that associate with that he would try to limit you from having. But I suspect it is a little more than that. Denying you from having male friends is SOCIAL ISOLATION. Picking apart everything you say and telling you what you can say and to whom is EMOTIONAL PUTDOWNS. Saying he wants you to change is CONTROL. If the crazy accusations are about your male friends then yes that is CONTROL through his JEALOUSY. My ex husband had similar issues to yours and bit by bit he limited every aspect of my life til I just had him. Total POWER AND CONTROL. Marriage should be a partnership where both parties treat each other like equals. No person has the right to put you down for your lifestyle choices or personality. He is in power and control mode. Google up cairns regional dv service and look up the power and control wheel and relationship warning signs and the cycle of violence. Post me if this is all too familiar to you. To me he is treating you his wife as a possession. Which comes down to his core beliefs and values. I wonder how his father treated his mother. Was there alot of domination and sacrifice. take care and do not change other than maybe cutting down on the mj. these days it is laced with all sorts of stuff. Unless you grow it yourself and know whats in it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2008): I have to say, in my experience it's nearly always the woman who thinks she can change her man once they get married! It's refreshing to see the boot on the other foot, so to speak.
No-one should remain in an unhappy marriage or be controlled by their husband or wife. The fact that he looked after you financially for a while doesn't mean he owns you. He didn't buy you, even if he thinks he did. You are who you are, and no-one should be telling you to change to suit their ideals. It just isn't possible to change your personality.
To stay would be to accept things the way he wants them, to behave the way he wants you to and in any case, 28 isn't a bad age to get divorced. With hindsight, I wish I'd got divorced at 28 rather than 38! Let's face it, you're heading for divorce unless HIS attitude changes, so if it doesn't, divorce now rather than later. You'll save yourself a lot of misery in the meantime.
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