A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:About 5 years ago I met once of the nicest sweetest people in the world and fell in love with her. Sounds like a fairy tale, but it is anything but. The truth is that from the get go I based our relationship on a lie and I had fidelity problems. Completely my fault, I won't deny any of it.When everything came out I obviously lost her but sometime later we reconnected. At that time she was engaged to a much older man and I was still tying all lose ends of a short, bad marriage.She decided to give us another change and broke off her engagement but at that time neither one of us was in a good place. We were both angry at each other and life in general. We were mean to each other and we fell apart rather quickly.I have not heard from her until recently. It all started with me running into her ex-fiancee at a bar where he was quite obscenely propositioning every woman for sex. I had a chuckle, and since he didn't recognize me, we actually had a short conversation.Two weeks ago, much to my surprise, I got a text message from the nicest sweetest girl. Just a random "hey, how are you". We chatted a little bit. She sounded happy. Told me about her plans to get married next year. But something didn't sound right.I thought about this for a day or so, and finally asked about her new fiancee. Imagine my surprise that it was not a new fiancee but it was the same guy! I was lost for words. But after much thinking I decided to tell her about her fiancee's extracurricular activities. Sadly, when she confronted him, he didn't even deny them.Needless to say, once again I became the source of this girl's pain and tears. And I feel terrible about this. But due to her situation and she kept talking to me and last week we met just for old time sake. And it turns out that we still have feelings for each other. A lot of good, happy feelings.The truth is that I never got over her and she had been my kryptonite for five years. In all my relationships while apart from her, I compared them to her and they never measured up. I think she feels the same. We both want to be happy and we both want to start a family as soon as possible.This is were it gets complicated and I desparately need an advice.She is still living with him. Though the ring is no longer on her finger and they are no more than roomates, the lease they just re-signed together extends their financial obligations for until December of 2011. There is also a lot of shared stuff, a car lease, etc.I happened to be financially secure enough to say - don't worry about anything, it is just money. She doesn't need to live with him but just get another apartment and live there until our relationship is stable enough so we can move in together. The rest of financial obligations I am willing to take over even if it means selling my house.However, we also have bad financial past. I always helped her even when we were not together. When we were broken up, I might of said mean things about her money problems but I _never_ failed to help her.But this issue became the deal breaker. She is not willing to accept my help and wants to deal with her own finances even if it means living with him for another year. I am willing to do anything to help her but I am very jealous and insecure about the whole situation. Our relationship is already complicated by our past, it doesn't need to be even more complicated by this.Two days ago we had a discussion and she decided that this is the deal breaker. And she rather break up with me than accept my help.So what should I do? Should I swallow my pride/insecurity and deal with the situation for another year? Do I make this stance and walk away leaving the person I want to have the future with behind? Unfortunately, she made it clear that there is no room for any other compromise. And this is killing me.Help...
View related questions:
engaged, fell in love, fiance, her ex, insecure, jealous, money, older man, swallow, text, want to be happy Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Lekiss +, writes (13 November 2010):
After reading this it sounds a little complicated and sticky. I can understand your frustration and can see how you feel tormented.
I would be asking myself if they would ever be intimate, if he would manipulate her, I would wonder what she is telling him to manage to stay in the house without her ring on (he must be a very kind person or possibly something is in it for him.)
I would be asking questions as well and feeling very insecure, so I cannot blame you in the least.
This is just my personal opinion and how I would view your situation:
You have had a rocky past, trying to be together through that difficult time did not pan out. In fact if it did not pan out then, it may not now. That is not to say it won't but you're in a new relationship, the beginning is very critical. Most relationships that begin on a bad foot do not make it, it is even worse due to the past you two share.
I feel that while she may want her independence, she could offer other solutions or you can make them to her, such as subleasing.
Also, I think if she had any faith in the relationship, trust in you, she would take the risk and move out now. I would ask her how long she feels it would take, it is not bad or wrong to ask her, after all you are holding a lot for a woman who is still living with her ex.
My woman's intuition tells me she may not be completely honest as to why she is so hesitant to not move forward with you, especially if she loves you.
My personal advice to you is to cut it short if you really believe you cannot handle it or feel uncomfortable. If you don't you might run the risk of becoming resentful toward her, which is understandable.
Or, you can wait, keep quiet, keep it to yourself - all in the name of love.
I wish you and her the best and hope you can resolve this in a compromising manner that is good for you both.
A
male
reader, Welsh Uncle Dave  +, writes (12 November 2010):
It may hurt you to read this, but I think you should walk away.
You obviously have a connection, but there's definitely something not right. I can't put my finger on it though.
I understand you want to be with her, but I think even if you waited a year it would still end in tears.
...............................
A
female
reader, kirra07  +, writes (12 November 2010):
Despite the history that the 2 of you have, this is a somewhat new relationship. It's a new start, and from what you're saying, it seems like she doesn't want to start it off indebted to her boyfriend, which is reasonable. The living situation is creating tension for you, but her taking money from you would create tension for her. Also, if she takes enough to pay for the year of lease, what happens if you 2 part ways within that year? There's always that chance, and being in debt or feeling indebted to you, would be difficult and stressful.
I would recommend trying to work with what is there, without giving her the money to deal with this. Try to find another solution. What about sub-leasing / sub-letting. Try to find another tenant to live there. Put out ads, etc. What about sleeping over at each other's places several nights of the week. She would still be living there, but you could stay over too, and become more comfortable with it perhaps.
...............................
|
