A
female
age
41-50,
*ardia
writes:We've been together a year. My boyfriend has significant abandonment issues (mother left him for several years as a child and father passed away). I do everything I can within reason to ensure he feels secure in our relationship and to prove to him that I am not going anywhere. On top of this, very few people really understand him. We've had some issues and we're trying to sort out whether he loves me as a dear friend who "gets" him (someone else he's afraid to lose), or as a girlfriend with whom he sees a future. It's complicated and I'm willing to give him time to work through this. He doesn't have health insurance right now and needs counseling, but is opposed to seeing clergy. Any insight or suggestions would be helpful. Thank you! Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2011): he needs to learn to help himself, and not to make it your responsibility to do the impossible task of making him feel OK about himself and the world.
You have already done everything you can to make him feel secure and assure him you're not going anywhere. The rest is up to him to do on his own, no one else can do that for him. If this still isn't enough for him, then he's not someone that can be in ANY relationship successfully because relationships carry responsibility. They aren't a substitute for self-growth, healing, and professional therapy!!
So what if he doesn't have health insurance. There are counselors and therapists who work on a sliding scale. Google "affordable counseling" in your area and you'll find some. Yes you will still have to pay a bit of money but isn't this important enough to justify it?
I dont' blame him for not wanting to see clergy. Religious-based therapy isn't for everyone. IMO, religious leaders are not always good therapists either because their training and interest is in spiritual matters and interpretation of religious texts, which is NOT the same as psychiatric and psychological problems. There can also be a lot of guilt and shame associated with religious based therapy, in my experience. I would recommend that he see a "secular" counselor or therapist. Even just a few sessions may help.
You need to maintain your own boundaries so that he doesn't use you as an excuse not to help himself like wanting or needing ever more reassurance from you. Past a certain point it does no further help because no one else can change his thinking except himself, with professional help.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2011): Its an excuse. In North America there are MANY agencies that offer free counsel/advice/therapy. He doesn't want help. Why should he when you are all that for him? He takes out his anger, hurt, pain on you, and you stick around.
He has choices he is just eliminating them so he doesn't have to work to change his circumstances so he can remain a victim.
In this instance of an emotionally abusive relationship, an ultimatum is a good way to get him to examine and push himself to seek help.
He stands to lose someone who loves him completely because he can't fight for happiness and love, not even for himself.
You give him the clear choice. You will stay so long as you BOTH go to counselling and there are no excuses. If its about money, then you seek free counselling. Its the FIRST THING TO DO. If he refuses. Walk.
You deserve just as much as happiness and love as he does and if he is unwilling to work for it- for you both- says something now doesn't it?
Sometimes tough love is the last resort.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (11 November 2011):
 He really needs to get his insurance sorted and get counselling before it goes to far. He had a hard upbringing which has left its scar's on him. My guess is he does not know how to handle these feelings himself and he needs help with this. He needs someone to talk to him and explain to him why he feels the way that he does and that it is normal. He needs to have therapy or else he will never allow anyone to love him.
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