A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hey. Erm, I just wanted to say a few things really and get some advice? I'm sixteen and I live with my mother, who had me at a very young age, her husband and my much younger half-sisters. I left school a while ago because of bullying and just generally not fitting in with the education system, so now I educate myself. I spend every day at home alone studying, and leave the house as soon as my mum's husband gets in with the young children, because I find them all very disruptive. I usually go into town and sit in a park after buying myself something to eat, before going home late in the evening and browsing the internet. My mother works full-time, and she doesn’t seem to want to engage in conversations with me, only with her husband. Every night they watch TV and talk, but they do not make any effort to include me in what they are talking about. My mother is very distant, and neglects to talk to me unless I am showing obvious signs of distress. I had a girlfriend for a while about a year ago, but she was sectioned a few months later and we have gradually lost touch. My one real friend lives about 2 hours drive away, and because I cannot drive yet and have little money I cannot see her. For most of my life, I was brought up by my grandparents, but my mother and her husband moved away from them about 4 months ago and I was obligated to move with them, so I cannot really see them anymore.I feel quite unsafe a lot of the time. I can't sleep, and I often think about dying as a conceptual idea... not that I am suicidal, but I worry a lot and spend a lot of time envisaging situations in which I might die, and being scared of things. I often find myself thinking that people are watching me, and hearing voices.I feel as though my life is somewhat a failure. Although I have a job, I do not enjoy it, and although I would like to move out, I have no way of supporting myself. When I was younger, I used to write a lot, so I am trying to focus my energy on writing a novel, but my imagination just isn't working right now.I am not sure whether I will ever make anything of myself, because of the way I look - I have brightly coloured hair and several conspicuous piercings on my face. Although I do not want to compromise my individuality, I want to make something of myself, and I fear I will never be able to achieve this.I have a very intense personality, and often find myself obsessing over celebrities and people I can’t have, in a way that makes me feel an extreme sense of depression. I feel offended if people class me as a "fan" as it is devaluating, but at the same time it angers me if someone labels me as being obsessive because I have seen therapists in the past and have come to associate this term with mental illness, which I find upsetting.I used to have fantasies about hurting people and my (male) best friend, who I talk to every day online, is a sociopath. I never have a chance to meet anyone else and I find it difficult to form proper relationships with people, because I find faults too easily. I am not at all close to my father, although for a while I considered going to live with him (he lives several hours drive away from where I do), however, I have been avoiding him for a long time now because of my extremely volatile relationship with his long-term girlfriend who he isn’t willing to compromise with.I don't feel depressed, because I have been so in the past and it felt nothing like I do now. But at the same time, I feel as though if I were to die tomorrow I would be happier (although of course I would be unable to sense it). Although I feel stressed around people, being alone all the time makes me feel sad and empty. Any thoughts on this?
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2009): You havent started your life yet so to think of ending it is pointless. You start at 21yrs. You are still learning now.As for wanting to hurt people, once you cross that line there is no going back. You will loose your family and real friends and you will die young and alone.You need to understand that the world is round and we sometimes have to bend to stay on the ground.There is such a thing as being too individual, And I think you are making this mistake. You dont like being judged but you do it to other prople. Try to curb this a little to just make it a quirk rather than a hard line.
A
female
reader, Carrot2000  +, writes (31 October 2009):
 I grew up in a similar situation; my mom and stepfather ignored me so I pretty much had to raise myself. I was a good student, but also had a hard time in school because I was so lonely and my self-esteem was so low. I had a few friends, though no really close friends, and still sometimes have trouble forming attachments to people. The sad thing is, nobody even seemed to notice that I was suffering. You are in a tough spot--not old enough to be on your own, but not comfortable where you are.
Although you say you don't feel depressed, I suspect you may be. How could you not be, growing up in your situation? Please find a counselor to talk to; it is sometimes helpful to pour your heart out to someone who will not judge you and make you feel like you're wrong for feeling what you feel. Talking to an impartial person like a counselor will also help you set some goals and really give some thought to what you want your life to look like.
My escape was going to college,where I was able to move away from home, form friendships, and really create a place for myself in the world. Since you're not in school, that will be harder for you. Do you have any interest in completing your education, perhaps in a non-traditional school? WOuld it be possible to move back in with your grandparents? You need to be someplace where you feel loved, protected and supported, and it seems like your grandparent's home is that place. Ask your grandparents if it's okay with them and let your Mom know you will be moving. Don't ask her for permission, just let her know you are unhappy and will be moving back with them.
Please take care of yourself and I hope things get better for you. Send me a message if you want.
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