A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hi Guys! My long time partner and I have been estranged for about a year but still have feelings for each other and have been friends on/off for the last few months. Last week though he really annoyed me and upset me by sending me a nasty email. I think he actually has a bit of a psychological problem and so do various other people who know him. Anyhow I was so angry and upset I ignored him for a whole week and I actually don't feel too bad but I have been tempted to call him. Someone else advised me to ignore him for a whole month and leave him to stew because he has no friends and his son shows minimal interest in him (because of his behaviour...he can be very sarcastic and verbally abusive) and this might make him realise what he actually has with me, ie a caring person who has stood by him all these years through all his problems etc ... Is this tactic of ignoring him a good idea or is it better to talk to him and clear the air. I must say I do feel pain inside and I miss him BUT I feel like I am having a well deserved break from his harsh toxic behaviour (he shouts sometims and his voice sounds harsh bitter and full of a really horrible sort of anger). He works as a police constable in London and he falls out with people at work also, including referring to female colleagues as 'bitches' when they try to get him to do his job properly etc .. I wonder if his job and all the stuff he has seen over the years could have contributed to some sort of mental breakdown or is he just a nasty piece of work with whom I am wasting my life?? His ex wife left him years ago because of a long list of complaints she had against him. He has been such a big part of my life for years I am in a real quandry a sort of 'cant live with him can't live without him' sort of thing and it is causing me a lot of distress. Just to give a bit of general context/background .. He is 51 and I'm 43 and his son is 20 and my daughters are 22 and 20 and he is not the father of my daughters and we have never lived together but have all been on holiday together as a 'family' a coupele of times and he and I were together for 9 yeras. His main argument was that he wanted me to lose weight, hence we slpit up as it caused rows. I am neither slim nor huge, sort of inbetween curvy fuller figures size 16 and I look after myself well but could do with losing a bit of weight on my stomach atea. I am told that I am very attractive/striking looking by other people so when he puts me down for my weight it hurts. I am well educated, have a good job and am caring and loyal to him yet he has never missed a chance to put me down in some way, as if I am almost not good enough for him ... Any insight into this situation and his behaviours would be hugely appreciated as it has taken chunks out of me over the years .. and thank you for taking the time to read this. Jane x
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at work, ex-wife, his ex, lose weight, on holiday, puts me down Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2010): Hi, thanks for your replies. Re keeping his job with his temper, yes i wondered about that and he did say his bosses had made a note of it on his records and recorded him as not suitable for certain duties due to his temper etc .. so he is working in the office doing a very easy job for which he is quite well paid and when his ex wife pointed this out to him he got angry but then again he is the first person to go on and on about other people who are well paid for doing not very much! Re our relationship, I think I know that he is not good for me but I guess I have hung on to the memories of his nice side and also hoped he would mellow/change a bit ... He is very very insecure and always blames other people for stuff but never never ever acknowledges his own faults at all which is highly frustrating because with this level of zero self awareness on his part it is really hard to communicate and meet each other halfway.
A
female
reader, girl from bristol +, writes (24 January 2010):
hi i think he does not know how lucky he is and you are better of without him and without the stress
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2010): If it hurts more than it feels good, what's the use in carrying on? You are still young and have spent almost a decade in a dead end relationship. It does sound that you are wasting your time and if his problem is psychological for sure you can't help him. I wonder how he managed to keep his job with that temper.
The last year you managed to pull it through without him, see it as accomplishment. It's probably not wise to even keep in touch very often unless you can control your level of attachment and get yourself to look elsewhere for what you want in your partner, certainly he is unable to provide you with all of that.
You have your assets so make the most of them and try and meet other people. Maybe you just miss being in a relationship? If you miss someone who treats you badly, you have issues too.
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