A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:OK, this is going to be a real long post, but I need some real good advice and for that, you guys need a good understanding of what’s going on. First let me introduce you to myself. I’m quite shy, as I've grown older I'm worried that I've become increasingly reclusive. I grew up with a 'healthy' sized group of close friends but I'm very cautious when meeting new people and it takes me many months before I feel comfortable enough around new people to actually be myself. As a result, I would form very close bonds with the people I knew and trusted and I was never much of a ladies’ man. I would consider myself to be good looking (at least 7/10) and above average intelligence (I got all B's on my exams). I'm a bit of a walking contradiction; a very kind and considerate person but also a bit of a rebel at times taking pleasure from things like skateboarding, guitar, drinking, skipping school, smoking, vandalism and other mischief’s back in my youth.It all started when I was a shy 17 year old, I had been in a relationship with a 15 year old girl for about 8 months, and I will call her Jemma. I would consider this to be my first relationship but things were never great - she was very pretty but I never felt like I could trust her and she always struck me as too immature for anything serious to become of it. My paranoia was confirmed on a couple of occasions when I discovered she'd cheated on me with some of my best friends. Our friendships never fully recovered although we try to put it behind us and pretend it never happened - they are still more like acquaintances’ than the close friends they once were; moreover I wouldn’t be surprised if there was at least one more occasion when she cheated on me. I put up with it but that's one of the reasons why we never grew too close, however this story is not about her - it’s about the girl I met while we were together, let’s call her Tanya. One night, at a big party, Jemma was pulling her usual tricks, flirting with all the guys especially one which she had previously had a fling with. Not knowing how to respond I just left her to her business and retreated to the safety and comfort of my friends. Later that night Tanya approached me and asked if we could speak in private. I was surprised because I hardly knew her then, but I agreed partly because I wanted to give Jemma a taste of her own medicine. Tanya was 1 year older than me, very smart, a bit of a geek and also quite pretty; she wasn't close to any of my friends and I only knew her through playing counter-strike (a computer game) during our free periods at school. Tanya took me to a secluded corner and basically told me that she fancied me, thankfully we were both fairly tipsy at the time otherwise it could of become very awkward; my response was something to the effect that I was already with Jemma. About a month later I broke up with Jemma and started going round to Tanya's house after school to play Halo (another computer game). I'm awful at making the first move but thankfully she wasn't and we started seeing each other regularly. We made a bit of an odd couple because I was a bit of a 'skater-boi' while she was more of a swotty girl but I think that’s what attracted us together, our different personalities balanced each of us out: She began to go out and have fun more, and I took more pride in my education.Anyway, after 2.5 years together we finished school. We'd had our ups and downs, but I knew this was something special, not like what I'd had with Jemma. We both applied to university: she went to Australia while I ended up in the UK - the opposite side of the world! We tried a long distance relationship for a few months but I couldn’t deal with it. I would worry too much about what she was doing and who she was seeing while I’m not there and it was tearing me apart. I'd get so stressed I'd simply stop talking to her for weeks so I had to end it. She protested at first, promising we'd have a threesome with one of her friends when we got back, and that she'd wait for me if I left her and that sort of desperation thing. I started getting angry and mean with her and eventually just severed all contact with her; I felt it would make it easier on her if she hated me but it made me very sad that I was treating her like this, it was something I had to do out of self preservation.We both had a tough time at university feeling like aliens we didn’t make many friends. I totally shut myself off from humanity (I can count the number of times I went out on one hand), I started smoking weed regularly, I lost contact with all my friends and family, I grew very depressed and stopped going to class entirely (I would only go in to hand in assignments)! Tanya didn't get quite as bad as myself but she had similar experiences, dabbling with weed and drink she was also very depressed for the first year. Eventually she 'got over me' and met another boy who she studied with, she has now been with him for about 2.5 years and she seems totally devoted to him.Somehow I graduated, scraping a pass mark on my exams (motivated by the prospect of seeing her again afterwards), meanwhile she aced her's and now is a qualified doctor! I'm worried that the years of substance abuse and social exclusion have irreversibly changed me for the worse: I'm not passionate about anything anymore (I stopped listening to music and playing guitar which was once very close to me), I’m not as witty/funny as I once was, I’m even shyer than I used to be and I don’t even feel as smart as I did back in school. But I also feel inadequate around her now, Tanya being a first class doctor I always feel like she looks down on me now. Now her new boyfriend refuses to leave Australia which is perhaps the most significant thing in my favour - she's miles away from him and could be for some time still. She is supposed to be taking over her mum's practice out here but she has also mentioned that she's thinking of going back to Australia to find employment if she can't find a position here - she seemed very serious, almost as if she had already decided to go back to Australia when she told me this.Whenever I'm around her now I totally choke up, I don’t know how to behave, I'm not sure how she feels about me, I'm overwhelmed by conflicting emotions (being angry, sad, happy, jealous, embarrassed and in love, all simultaneously). We met up briefly on new years but I couldn’t articulate myself well enough to convey how I felt. I really want to get back together but I'm unable to tell her. We spoke over the internet and through text messages for a while and I was still just as confused; she gave me mixed messages like this one which was sent on 01/01/09 3:00am "I wish we could of talked more tonight. I miss you so much, it was like life was whole when I was with you and it’s only been a part of what is normal ever since. You will always be part of my life. Happy new year and sleep well when you eventually go to bed! Lots of love, Tanya XXXXX" . I had to ask her straight out. Eventually, I wrote a 6 page letter telling her everything but I'm worried that has backfired since she later told me that she finally got closure from the letter. This is her actual and immediate response to my letter taken from our MSN conversation:Tanya says:well i'm just gonna give the harsh truth here.... i think u need to realise that me and james have a really amazing thing going... i may not have told u that before coz i don't want to make u feel sad/jealous/hurt etc. i don't want to compare u to james but u seem like u want to know the comparison and so sort of like i suggested above i'll just say that you are a boy and james is a man, like i Tanya says:grew up and u didn'tTanya says:i really don't want to hurt uTanya says:but this will hurt I says:do itTanya says:IF things with me and james didn't work out i'd be up for trying a relationship with me and u againTanya says:exceptTanya says:things won't be the sameTanya says:i want a boyfriend with some maturityTanya says:who CAN talk to my parentsTanya says:who has something to sayTanya says:i wouldn't be saying this so harshly if i didn't HOPE that it might make u change for the betterTanya says:but i want a MAN nowTanya says:one who can look after meTanya says:most importantlyTanya says:one i can look up to and respectTanya says:that is something james lacksTanya says:i wish i could look up to him a bit moreTanya says:i dunno why but i just think of myself above him a little, even though he's a much nicer person than me and has accomplished so much in his lifeTanya says:he never had it easy like u and me Tanya says:he had to strive for everything he hasTanya says:and he has worked so fucking hard for itTanya says:he recently bought his dream car, a BMW M3Tanya says:and i can't think of anyone who deserves it moreTanya says:i have refrained from telling u about jamesTanya says:but i have so much i could tell u about himTanya says:he really is an amazing personTanya says:his only downfall is that he refuses to leave perthTanya says:perth is so shit, he could have so much more fun elsewhere if he'd just leaveTanya says:but he refuses toTanya says:and i won't be there foreverI says:dont give me hopeI says::(Tanya says:wellTanya says:UNLESS he changes his mind i guessTanya says:i mean, he mightTanya says:but i highly doubt he'd ever come hereTanya says:and this is where i WILL be ending up eventually, if not forever then for a whileTanya says:my parents own a house here now, my mum's practice is here and that i will eventually take overTanya says:so as much as it fucking sucksTanya says:i have to be realistic when it comes to jamesTanya says:we probably won't last that much longerTanya says:but u knowTanya says:i think i'd find it a lot easier to break up with him than uTanya says:its so unfair coz he has been such a wonderful boyfriend to meTanya says:a wonderful beautiful personTanya says:he has done SO MUCH for me u couldn't even imagineTanya says:but i guess because of thatTanya says:i would be able to say "thanks for the great memories and good luck in life" with fewer regretsTanya says:than when i broke up with uTanya says:obviously when we broke upTanya says:i was so angry with uTanya says:for cheating on me etc.Tanya says:btwTanya says:i LITERALLY don't remember kissing hatim at alastair's partyTanya says:i just DON"T remember doing itTanya says:i have been told i didI says:i dont care anymore anywayTanya says:but i just don't remember doing it... i feel terrible about that though i'm sorryI says:it happensTanya says:i don't wanna give u false hopeTanya says:but god i won't pretendTanya says:i sometimes harbour dreams of us getting back togetherTanya says:it just wouldn't be the same unless we could go back in timeTanya says:i remember we had some wonderful times too u knowTanya says:and i MOURNED THEMTanya says:i mourned the loss of our friendshipTanya sent 03/01/2009 23:49:“I miss you so much, its like life was whole when I was with you, and has been only a part of what is normal ever since. U will always b a part of my life”Tanya sent 03/01/2009 23:49:now thatTanya sent 03/01/2009 23:49:i WAS a bit drunkTanya sent 03/01/2009 23:49:and probably said that in a bit MORE of a sweet way than i really should haveTanya sent 03/01/2009 23:49:but its meaning is trueTanya sent 03/01/2009 23:50:it would hurt glenn's feelings something rottenTanya sent 03/01/2009 23:50:but it is true, but not necessarily ALL because of youTanya sent 03/01/2009 23:50:part of what made my life whole when i was here, was having horses and just living at homeTanya sent 03/01/2009 23:50:and i do feel like i've had a partial life in aus, no horses, and it is not here...Tanya sent 03/01/2009 23:51:and i've been with someone differentThat’s her ACTUAL response (except the names have been changed). Now that might sound hopeful but recently I tried to arrange a 'date' at the cinema but in the last minutes before we left she felt she had to contact her boyfriend and ask his permission which of course he didn't give. I don’t blame him, my intentions are far from honourable and I would have said the same thing, but one of the things she said made me realise my new place in her life: "I told him I don’t want you like that anymore, we're just friends now". I'm scared that's actually what it's come down to, just friends, and it made me realise that he is still the most important thing in her life. I took her advice and tried to become more mature and things seemed to improve for a short while. I was able to talk/joke more freely with her for a while but after she blew me off with the cinema I stopped speaking to her for almost a week now following (and still haven’t spoken with her) and I’m not sure if I’m pushing her away even more. I was just so upset by some of the things she said that day and how it was such a reality check, I just left the conversation without saying goodbye. Equally as bad is since she has been back I’ve become really sensitive about a guy (who really fancies her) she’s close friends with. I know it’s a sign of my immaturity, still getting jealous over this other guy, but he is doing all he can to keep her apart from me; spending all day, everyday with her, interrupting our private conversations, doing things he would normally have no interest in just so he can spend time with her and keep me from her (like getting her to teach him how to horse ride). It’s silly that this is upsetting me but I know this guy has liked her for years now and her boyfriend back in Australia just doesn’t seem real to me, I don’t feel like I’m competing with him and instead I’m freaking out over this other guy who is making his move and doing ALOT better than I am. I think that’s why I was so upset by the whole cinema incident, because I finally realised that I should be worrying about her boyfriend in Australia, not this other chump who she has repeatedly told me she has no feeling for.I guess what I’m asking for is advice on how best to pursue her and is there any hope for me? Should I play along and just be a friend until something breaks down between her and James? I don’t think I could bere being just friends and I’m afraid I’ll fall into that trap. Should I try to undermine their relationship and play dirty? Should I go back to my old ways and just ignore her so she misses me more? Do you think she’s just being nice to me as to avoid hurting my feelings and because she just wants to remain friends? Should I be worrying about this other guy who’s seen his opportunity and is now making his move on her? How do I act around her? What can I do to overcome my immaturity and be the man she wants? What I don’t need is more false hope, just honest advice. I’ve done my best to describe my situation and I’m sorry it’s such a long story, but it needed to be done and I hope some of you will have the patience to read this far so you’re able to understand my psyche and offer appropriate advice. If you need more details, feel free to ask and I'll try to provide it.
View related questions:
best friend, broke up, cheated on me, depressed, drunk, flirt, get back together, immature, jealous, kissing, living at home, long distance, mixed messages, move on, msn, my ex, period, shy, text, the internet, threesome, university Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 January 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your reply, i'm trying to be friendly around her, but its real hard. I still choke up around her all the time and sometimes I think I'm probably doing more bad than good because I'm emphasising my immaturity, being unable to hold a decent conversation. Plus I have little time around her to actually be friendly with her because that other guy keeps her away from me and when I'm around them both, I find myself getting very angry about being ignored. Anyway, I'll probably try to keep up appearances and hide these negative emotions around her until things get better, but it's easier said than done.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 January 2009): Hey,
Waw!! that was alot to read.. anyway.. i understand your pain.. the thing is I'm married now to my high school ex, love of my life, but it took 11 years to get here and almost 8 apart.. We weren't even friends for most of it.. He broke my heart in high school and we didn't talk for years.. I even got married to someone else but it took alot of soul searching to end my first marriage when I realised I was still inlove with my ex and as faith would have it I met him back right after.. And it wasn't easy but we're married today.. He had alot of girlfriends and was wild and out of control but by god's grace we came together and we're happy.
So my advice to you may sound stupid but trust me, if it's meant to be it will be. Love has a way of coming back and all you can do now is be her friend, have patience and know in your heart true love never dies.. Have faith and if it's for you it will come back. Until then friendship is better than nothing..
...............................
|
