A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I want to limit my background info so that I don't bias the readers of this question. I am entering my first LDR. That's all you get for now!So here's my questions:*What's been the hardest thing to go through?*What were some of your techniques to keeping the relationship alive?*What did not work?*Was/Is your LDR successful?*If not, what would you have done differently?*How do you get rid of any self-doubt that the relationship will fail? (I ask this because my alter ego is nagging at me and I want to tell it to stfu.) Thanks!
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 September 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWow, such insightful responses.
To chigirl, I know he is a little more self-centered than me. We have talked about this in person and he knows he needs to work on it. I told him that I've done all I can and it's his turn to step it up.
Generally I do feel wanted, but here again comes the self-doubt. I'm having a hard time gauging whether it's just my distrusting nature that is making me think twice, or if he isn't giving enough in our relationship.
This is why this is so confusing and I usually ask these sorts of things multiple times.
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (7 September 2012):
 Does he make you feel wanted?
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A
male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (7 September 2012):
Well strength in one-self can only be given by you. I'm sure your boyfriend can help you but at the end of the day you are the one who has to overcome the negative feelings. LDR can suffer when it feels one sided, but the thing is that it is EASY to feel one sided become some people become too self absorbed, have unrealistic expectations or are unable to deal with their own problems. Now is a good time as any to work on your own personal issues. Not for your boyfriend or relationship, but for yourself. It has only been a week so it would be wise to start becoming a little more self dependent. There IS going to be a void in your life so you have to work hard in order for the relationship to work, just as any other. Everything worth having in life is achieved with hard work and the older you get, the harder life can be the more we live in denial. But this is the beauty in life where everything becomes an amazing experience because there is so much to live for. Good luck and I hope you find your way.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 September 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you thank you thank you thank you to all the people who responded so thoroughly and quickly!! :)
I suppose I'm just freaking out because my boyfriend transferred to a different college 3,000 miles away from me. And the kicker is... it's only been a week since he's left.
A little about me, I always have self doubt in any relationship, friends, family, lovers, doesn't matter. I have less self doubt with my bf than any other social relationship I've been in, but there's still that little bit.
I often find myself being the giver, so I don't know whether to just take a step back and not do anything anymore or to say something, etc. I want to feel wanted. You know?
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (6 September 2012):
 *What's been the hardest thing to go through?
Every aspect of it. You can't touch each other, you feel distanced emotionally, you have to rely 100% on trust, you can only see each other for maybe an hour a day at most, the whole thing is the hardest part.
*What were some of your techniques to keeping the relationship alive?
Do romantic things you can't really do when you are together. My personal favorite is handwritten letters. There is nothing quite like getting postcards and letters from someone, knowing they sat down and actually wrote it and sent it. It's not a substitute, but I really like the app Postagram. You can take photos and for $.99 they will send the photo and some text to anyone anywhere in the world.
We also made time for each other every single day no matter what else was happening, with only one or two exceptions ever. Even if one of us was VERY busy, we'd still find time to squeeze in a brief phone call. If you can't even make 5 minutes for the other person, there's something wrong.
We made sure we never went longer than 2 months without a visit.
We kept each other updated during the day with texts/emails and had a gchat open all day so we could send other funny photos and things we'd seen online.
It's crucial that there is an end. You cannot perpetually be in a long distance relationship, it will not work and it will be utter misery.
*What did not work?
Getting too worked up when we fought over the phone or skype.
*Was/Is your LDR successful?
Yup. I'm moving to be with him next week and we never broke up or cheated.
*How do you get rid of any self-doubt that the relationship will fail?
Made concrete plans to be together again. But if you go into it with the feeling it will fail, it probably will. I went into mine very sad, but with no doubts that we'd stay together and be together in the end. Even though at times I wanted to quit and was very sad, there was never a question that we were going to stay together. You need to go into this already committed to each other fully.
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A
male
reader, Xearo +, writes (6 September 2012):
LDR can be different for many people because of the circumstances. For example it could be a couple and one has to move away for work. Or a couple met online so they decide LDR. Either way the feelings can be different for many people. *What's been the hardest thing to go through?Dealing with not seeing them...which is related to everything in terms of daily life, night life and physical contact. *What were some of your techniques to keeping the relationship alive?Skype a lot with occasional webcam. It was important for us to always set a time to skype with each other, Rather than letting the other "figure out" when we should skype. *What did not work?Arguments. Arguments can be elevated and blown out of proportion since one is shielded by a device such as a computer or phone. There can always be mis communication, mis read feelings etc, and all these things have nothing to do with the actual problem so they only make it worse. It tends to stem from not seeing your loved one.*Was/Is your LDR successful?Any LDR can be successful as long as both people WANT to make it work. It is like any other relationship. *If not, what would you have done differently?I had 3 LDR's and in one of them I would have not changed myself. A lot of small things got to me and kept quiet about it. My personality changed and I became a bitter person. At somepoint I think she feel out of love. *How do you get rid of any self-doubt that the relationship will fail? (I ask this because my alter ego is nagging at me and I want to tell it to stfu.) It depends on your perspective. I wanted to give LDR a shot and if it worked then great, if not then oh well. I never really regret anything I do so even though I may have had self doubt, I told myself that I chose this so I should just do my best at making it work.
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A
female
reader, E3093  +, writes (6 September 2012):
I am currently in a LDR and have been for one year of uni and my other half and I are entering back into one for our last year of university. During term time we are 3 hours away and during holiday's it is 10 minutes. We met at Sixth Form 2 and a half years ago and fell in love almost instantly. He has gone to University whereas I decided to study at a University close to home.
1) The hardest thing was the first few months. Watching him leave was extremely hard and I think it was more of a fear that he would prefer his life without me and would find someone he preferred at this new University. There was also a problem with me getting jealous as he wasn't contacting me as much because he was with his new friends and I was extremely jealous of his new 'cool' life and exciting social life. As mine was fairly dull as I go to a College to do my degree instead of a large University.
2) Our techniques are texting a lot, calling each other fairly often, making time for each other and always keeping our promises to each other. E.G being on time for a skype date or doing our work before we see each other so that we spend the whole weekend together.
3) We found that skyping didn't work as we facebook message A LOT and we found nothing new to talk about.
4) Our LDR is very successful. We seem to coping well and try hard to get through the rough patches.
5) What I have thought we could do differently and what I will do differently is send him more care packages and surprise packages.
6) You can never quiet the doubts that it shouldn't be this hard and he will find better. But when you get together you realise this is worth working for.
A tip is to surprise your other half with thoughtful packages with things they may like. And that you have to work hard at it. If one of you works and the other doesn't it will crumble.
Either way, all the best with it. I hope it goes as well for you as it has for me.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (6 September 2012):
One LDR under my belt already, currently in a LDR.
The hardest thing is going to sleep alone at night, and not being able to just call him whenever I want to.
I need contact as often as possible. But even if you don't get to call much, or see each other much, it is crucial (at least for me) that you plan when it will happen. When will you talk next? When will you meet again? That way you have something to look forward to, or something to plan towards. And, when you know that it'll be this or that long until you will talk again, you will be better prepared for the times when you can't talk to him. In my last LDR my then boyfriend wasn't good with planning, I was often just sitting around waiting for him to call me, and then he didn't, and then he was late and didn't notify me etc. That does not work for me. I can handle the distance, but I need to know when I get to talk to my boyfriend and he needs to be there on time, so that I am not left waiting by the phone. I have a life too, after all. I can't just sit around all day in the hopes that he will contact me.
My last LDR was successful enough. We didn't break up because of the distance. There were many factors for why we broke up, but one thing that did nag at the relationship was him not calling me when he said he would and not e-mailing me when he said he would. That ended up making me feel neglected. But he'd be the same if we were not long distance I guess.
What also didn't work for me (or for him I guess) was that he got jealous. He'd see pictures on facebook of me with friends, friends who he didn't know. I'd be at parties he hadn't attended (naturally), and he would start to question me about it. I had to calm him down because he suspected so much. Maybe he thought I was cheating. But again, such problems you are going to have with a jealous man, no matter the distance.
My current boyfriend isn't jealous or insecure in that manner. He trusts me, which is crucial. We're both very busy, so that also helps. Makes you too busy to be able to miss someone. And, we plan ahead how we might do things in the future, how we can get closer, what we might do to not be so far apart. LDR can only be temporarily. There needs to be a plan on how to be together for real, even if that can't happen for 5 more years.
The relationship, whether it be long distance or not, have just as much a chance of failing as it has of success. The distance thing doesn't really play that big of a role in it, not as long as you are dedicated to each other. If a man is a cheater, for example, then he would probably cheat on you even if you lived with him. If a man doesn't trust you, he wouldn't trust you even if you lived with him (if he says that then it's just BS).
But it is important that you don't neglect your needs. A relationship doesn't go on pause just because it goes long distance. Your relationship still needs to be active, with flirting, romance etc.
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A
female
reader, Foot-In-My-Mouth  +, writes (6 September 2012):
 I'm a bit of an LDR specialist (wink, wink) because I met my current partner through Facebook and we live in different continents but are extremely happy together (touchwood)!Let me answer your questions in chronological order:1) The heardest thing is to not able to touch each other, comfort each other in person in times of distress and the terrible longing that becomes a permanent feature of the relationship. Sometimes all you need is to feel someone's hand holding yours...and that human touch is missing.2)Constant and effective communication...telephones, emails, letters, cards, texting, frequent visits....only communication can keep the relationship going. Once it snaps, the relationship is dead.3)It worked out in my case, though in the past relationships have failed because the persons involved slowly stopped making an effort to stay in touch and drifted apart. Always make a real effort at keeping in touch.4) Yes!!5) As far as previous unsuccessful ones are concerned, I would have made more of a genuine effort to keep the communication going and not looking for easier options.6) If you think it will fail, it certainly will. You have to believe that it will succeed, you will have to retain faith an d most importantly, you have to want it badly enough.
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