A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:the Hyphens help me to use less detail with each point, but its still pretty long. Here goes the story:-Ex and I together for 1 year and 2 months, days shy of 15 months PERFECT RELATIONSHIP. Promised a lot of things to each other during the relationship, said we'd stick through it all no matter what. Parents got along, parents love me, my parents love her, did A LOT together. spent every day with each other. She is a virgin, we hadn’t had sex, but she told me I was the one…and I was willing to wait and we tried plenty of times, and planned to do it soon. we were each others best friend. Seemed like a dream relationship. School was going to start, she was moving 3 hrs away. At Orientation she meets new girls and guys, didn't really have friends before, but texts a new guy friend a lot. Beforehand, we Didn't really communicate much on what we would do, how we would communicate, etc (I just said i'd come down every 2 or 3 weeks)-Mid-August rolls around, I go with her and all her family to help move her in, before we all leave her there while she's crying, I stay along while her family is gone and promise her i'll come back in the next couple days. I come one weekend, about a week later, and we have a great first day, at night get into little argument (pointless), next day she doesn't want to hold my hand while we're at the mall or kiss me much at all, acting very distant, we argued a lot more the next night about why she was so distant, but we still have some fun. The Next day before I leave we make up but argue while I'm leaving and on the way home while im driving back, we talk on the phone I tell her im sorry and it'll never get like that again, and she tells me she's very sorry and loves me so much etc. (I yelled at times, and told her it hurt that she wasnt acting like my girlfriend) and we get over it. School starts, we agree to keep acting together, doing bf/gf things but not be "official" (still, not much communication on what "not official would consist of)- We are good, communicating mostly thru webcam, a week later she comes back home and we have fun. The week after, She becomes really distant, and after she goes back home, she talks about how she doesn't know what we are gonna do, which sparks more arguments, (at this time, we were arguing and sort of broke it off with the intention of getting back together) I got really mad bc she said she wasnt sure if we'd be good, and I went off on her, not cursing or anything, or yelling, which I promised, but she got upset, and ignored my phone calls for the whole weekend-I also find out that weekend, she had broke her phone, and went home overnight, WITH her guy friend whom she was texting a lot (her explanation: her mom wanted a guy to be with her because it was very late) which i believed, and it was true, but that still perplexes me.-I only found out because my friend works at a local store and spotted her with her family and that guy. I didn't even know she was in town. Her explanation, she needed space.-at this time, she hadn't answered any of my calls or anything of that nature. her bday was rolling around and I had planned on being with her and her family, they wanted me there, but she started acting distant again and telling me i dont need to buy her anything and its only going to be a family thing so i shouldnt come-throughout these next 7-8 days her birthday hits, and she barely answer my calls around these times, we communicated via webchat and skype, we were acting VERY MUCH unlike a couple, well mostly on her part, but she was saying she wants a future with us.-I returned my gifts, sure I wouldnt be with her and her family, and on the day of, I call her and she doesnt answer any time i call her. I find out she was with this guy friend, her family, and her best friend, who brought her boyfriend. They went to a waterpark (which she said she wanted to do with me the whole summer) and they all went out to eat. I was devastated. - She makes up stuff about how her parents surprised her, and had extra tickets for 3 people. (sounded terribly unbelievable) and her mom didn't think it was a good idea bc she knew we were arguing some. - Next few weeks we were going back and forth about what to do with us. One night, I had enough. She wasn't being very tact throughout all this but still claimed she wanted a future. I told her "forget it, and this. don't be with me anymore, if you dont want it, i dont either, i've tried too hard" and hung up. She called me back minutes later crying saying she wants us to be together, and she's so much in love with me, but she just doesnt know when it'll be. It was pretty much kept at that, and we kept communicating through skype and other messaging programs, texting every now and then.-One night, I look on her facebook page, and see her friends page, and his main picture is of him and her at the water park. She get offended and is like its nothing between us, he has a girlfriend..and she tries to turn it around on me because I’ve taken pictures with girls. I told her that it seemed very suspicious and I didn’t like it. She deletes me off facebook as a friend because she said I was trying to be nosy, but it was clear as day.- 1st of October, late night, she calls me out of nowhere crying. I ask her to tell me what's wrong, and she says "No, you'll never want to talk to me again" and me, sure that it's something silly, I let her know i wont care and she tells me her guy friend got back with his girlfriend. I asked her what that had to do with ANYTHING, and she says, I think I like him, Idk if me and you should continue this. I get PISSED. I ask her how she could do this, and I told her I had a bad feeling about her and this guy from the beginning but she just kept telling me to blow it off and I did because I trust(ed) her.I called her at least 20 times, because I was sooo confused and angry. We talk about 3 days later, and she’s like I can’t do us anymore, and I told him (guy friend) how I felt and he broke up with his girl.. we’re trying to figure things out. I just get pissed and she ends up blocking my #. I sent a few facebook messages and left her alone. Days later, I get on and look at this guy’s page, and I see “In a relationship with __________” (My Ex/Girlfriend). I bawled my eyes out. I didn’t think it would affect me until then. -At least a week later, she contacts me via skype text chat. She says “I wanted to see if you were okay?” and I told her “you answered everything I wanted and needed to know when you decided to be with another man” My birthday had passed but she didn’t say ANYTHING to me. She sends me something she copied and pasted showing me how she tried to tell me happy birthday, but I didn’t care. She asked me if I hated her and I told her no “I don’t hate you, but you’re totally wrong for telling me how you wanted this so much and would want to ruin a perfect relationship over a guy who still loves another girl. You’re just as wrong as him and You said you were still in love with me, and lied to me about how u wanted me forever, and forever only lasted until you met someone new, so go be with him, goodbye.” she starts a webcam chat with me and is looking terribly sad…When we get on she starts smiling, then crying hard, because we hadn’t really had much time to see each other…which was all I wanted to do. She starts telling me how it didn’t feel right being with him at all. She didn’t like what they did much she just liked his company. She pretty much starts talking bad about how he dressed, his friends, how he wasn’t anything compared to me. She wants to be with me again. I tell her I’m not gonna fall for that. You have an obligation to another guy. If anything, you need to be broken up with him before I talk to you. She breaks up with him like immediately the next 2 days after. We start to talk about the possibility of getting together, and we start acting like us again. The usual communicating a lot and talking. One of these days she told me I was the “love of her life” which I held onto. We planned to hang out the weeknd before Halloween for her homecoming when she came home, and that day she took a while to call me, and didn’t want to go to the game anymore, I went over to her house we chatted for a while, nothing about what had been going on, but laughing and we hung out for a little, a lot less then we had planned, she went out to eat with her family, and she wanted me to hang out with her later when they got back, but when the time came, she acted like she didn’t want to, and said her mom thinks im sending her the wrong message. Didn’t quite get it because that Sunday she invited me over for dinner, she laughed with me, and at one point had her head on my shoulder. I guess she was so used to it. We were really acting like the original us. She left and throughout that week we were okay I guess, and around Halloween she started not talking to me again. I know she isn’t talking to anyone new or dating, but she had become distant again. Around early November she began doubting again and I had already been through a lot and I had a friend pass and I came to her with my problems, her friend was with her one time when I offered to hang out and I really think she let her new friends influence her. She started saying she doesn’t know anymore and we kinda really broke it off. She said she would definitely let me know when she feels it again, but right now she isn’t wanting it. We were still laughing and having a good time throughout this thought. Something that made me feel a little better was the fact that she said she still sleeps in my clothes and has all these stuffed animals and stuff from me. And an inside thing we had when I asked her do you want me to give it back (her heart) and she smiled and said she doesn’t know. She loves me and still in love with me, but doesn’t want it, and I didn’t get itSo of course I tried those last minute attempts, giving her logical explanations of why we fell apart, but she was being weird. The distance certainly was the main cause of all this. None of this would have happened had we been closer to each other in distance. I know that for a fact. But I told her hey I can accept this is over but I knew we kinda needed space, So we agreed to that and her last message to me was “if you ever need me, message me, okay?” and “I love you, bye”… I messaged her maybe 4 times in about 6 weeks. Once to see how she was doing, 2 times on thanksgiving, and one time because I was in that city, looking at schools, because I still want to go to that university regardless of if we’re together or not in the fall of 11. No replies to any of those. It was hard dealing with that because I didn’t know what that meant, but with all this time apart, I’ve noticed all the inconsistencies of her stories where she wasn’t telling me the truth about stuff. Now It’s not even about getting back with her, I need closure. She let school and this distance change how she treats me and I love her like no other, I truly do, but she let go of this and I am too. It messed me up real bad to where I couldnt study right, eat right, or anything. My grades this semester were terrible. So, I messaged her about 2 days ago after talking to her sister for some time, not much from her, but I wrote her a VERY humble, respectful message to her facebook, which she reactivated (deactivated right after she broke up with that guy and we started being good again, said it was for school) but I was apologizing for anything I may have said to make her not talk to me, and telling her how the ignoring of my messages felt, and I didn’t want to rekindle a relationship I just wanted to catch up, over ice cream or a snack because she said she loved me and we would try to be friends when time passed and work from there, and I felt the holidays were a great start to that. I honestly didn’t think she’d message me back, but a day later she finally messages me back and it seemed kind of cold. She said: “Hey,Got your message, I wasn't ignoring you. I was just making sure that I wouldn't send you the wrong message. I don't think it would be a good idea to hang out, but thank you for checking in on me. Hope you are doing okay.”I don't even know what to think about that message I just want closure now. How do I get about that? I love her to death and would be open to becoming friends with her, even though when I fully move on, like dating girls again, I know she will probably be jealous, but right now I want to know how to get through to her. theres things I want to know before I can move to this next "friend" chapter
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best friend, broke up, facebook, has a girlfriend, her ex, jealous, move on, my ex, shy, spark, text, university Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, angelDlite  +, writes (27 December 2010):
 i am so glad you are feeling better about this now. its true what they say, time is a great healer! :) and now that you have been through this experience of having your heart broken it stands you in good stead to deal with any future heartaches you might face. this girl sounds now like either she just wanted to send you a genuine and nice message as a friend now that the dust has settled or she wants you chasing her again. you sound as if you have gotten your emotional strength back now so i am sure you will be able to handle the situation whatever happensxx
A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionyeah i totally understand what you mean.. I refuse to be an option or anything like it. she ruined a great relationship in a matter of weeks because of college and I was an excellent boyfriend and she knows it. Crazy how my attitude towards her and the situation has changed since this semester ended 2 weeks ago...I used to have a terrible feeling in my stomach everyday thinking about what she could be doing and what she did. School brought so much stress to the situation and my grades definitely suffered. I'm starting to feel good again
UPDATE:
I log into my Facebook acct christmas night, and guess who messages me? she says: "Wishing you a very very Merry Christmas!! I hope it was everything you wanted and more! :)"
I'm guessing she was expecting me to say some crazy nice stuff.. (Thanksgiving I sent an ECard...got no response)
I decided not to reply to it..
I wonder whats to come next?
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A
female
reader, angelDlite +, writes (25 December 2010):
i agree with that entirely. when you first split with someone special to you it hurts and it makes you feel compelled to understand why they have done this to do, why were you not good enough for them to love etc but in time like you say, the reasons won't even matter to you anymore. it sounds like this girl has messed about with your feelings a lot already so i wouldnt even give a lot of credibility to any reasons she might give you. just keep yourself busy, have time with friends and always give yourself good things to look forward to doing. this girl will probably realise one day what she has lost and by that time there might be nothing she can say or do that'll make you want her back. i dont mean to sound harsh; i just don't like to see anyone used as a back up plan! xx
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 December 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionhad you asked me that about a week or two after we stopped talking, I definitely would have said yes. I wanted to try to change her mind, because she was hot and cold with me every other week...and she even was saying herself that she wants to see us work and she is still in love with me and has "white gown dreams", blah blah blah, but she is just confused so please be patient with her... Now I feel like I need closure...because I'm done with her games...there's no way I could be with her anymore, I just wanted answers so I could end things full circle... and now that I'm getting the cold shoulder, I'm starting to feel more like I don't even care anymore, like I shouldn't WANT to know where her head is at and why and how and all these details. Sure, I would LIKE to know, but I'm sure with time, that wont matter.
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A
female
reader, angelDlite +, writes (24 December 2010):
i'm sorry to hear you've had a miserable time. you need to be honest with yourself.. when you say that you want to be in touch because you want closure, thats not true is it? it seems to be what you are really wishing for is that you will remain friends and then she will realise that she wants to get back together with you and you will be happy together like before. i think your ex wants to move on from that stage in her life. please dont feel bad though because it is probably no fault of yours and you have maybe done nothing wrong. its just part of growing up ( and that can happen at any age!) while you still have these strong feelings for her i think she is doing the right thing in not having much contact with you. in time, maybe this will change and you can be happy as friends. being too close to her now will not help you get over what has happened. i hope you can move on from this and in time meet another girl who will love you and not confuse you. in the meantime make sure that you see plenty of your friends and always try to give youself nice times to look forward to. break ups are never easy, especialy when they are not your choice, but trust me... you WILL get over this one day.xx
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