A
female
age
36-40,
*owtobeabetterperson
writes:I want to stop feeling angry and my parents and sister, please help advise me how to...My parents are good people. They worked very hard, saved every penny and had a hard life. They've given me a good life as well, roof over my head, an education, luxuries in terms of standard of living. I count my blessing everyday and guilt trip myself alot whenever I think I'm spending too much money, or using electricity - even as I type this on the computer I feel guilty about them paying the electricity bill for me to sit here and type. I still live with my parents because moving out before marriage is akin to disowning them (I'm serious). I've started working, so I thought I could pay them back and well, spend on myself without feeling guilty. But they would still make comments about how my purchases are too expenseive or how I wasted money because I still do rely on them for other expenses (mainly household or club expenses that my dad insisted on getting for me even though I said no, he then gets angry when I don't use it). I feel angry that they do not see that I feel guilty that I was using they money. and if it's my money now, I peronsally think I can spend it on items I actually use even if it's expensive. I still get spoken down to with regards to issues like money, how to do things, and issues I feel relate to children and I feel angry that they do not see the good things. I am very neat, I work my ass off at work, I still feel so damn guilty about money. I understand where their arguments, I've spoken to them about my good qualities, but I still feel angry and guilty each time we fight about something, like I've been a bad daughter because they've given me everything, yet the fights are a constant thing. I want to stop fighting, I want to accept they words, but I constantly feel cut down and everything is so fragile. Telling them they hurt me also hurts them I think. The only way they know how to live life is to point out the negative side of things and all they talk about is money because that is how they grew up and how life treated them. They speech is constantly negative and it wears me down. I read into subtext that isn't there but seems implied. I've constantly told myself I'm thinking too much and they don't mean it if it's not said explicitly, but i can't help but feel angry and always come away feeling hurt or somehow unsatisfied. Recently my sister, whom I use to confine in, has taken to saying my parents are right about me, compounding the feelings that I am a bad daughter. But I honestly do not think that I am that bad a daughter they are making me out to be. I've come home after university to take care of them, I tell them where I go when I go out, I buy back food I think they might like to eat. I'm not perfect, but compared to alot of their friends whose children have all left them or shout and scream at them, I think I'm ok. I want that feeling of unhappiness to stop, I want to know how to stop feeling guilty and angry and how to stop being treated like a child. I don't know what I'm missing, I know I can't change them, they are too set in their ways, but I can't help but feel i contribute to their saddness and I reflect it and it's a vicious cycle. Help please.
View related questions:
at work, live with my parents, money, university Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, celtic_tiger +, writes (26 October 2010):
 Ive jsut re-read this, and I am confused about what you actually want from you parents?
To stop telling you what to do?? I dont understand.
The other thing was this
" even as I type this on the computer I feel guilty about them paying the electricity bill for me to sit here and type"
If you are that concerned about the electricity you are using then offer to pay rent.
It really is very simple. Say that as you are earning now you feel you should be contributing to the household bills. Act like a grown up.
Can you try and explain what you want your parents to say?
A
female
reader, celtic_tiger +, writes (26 October 2010):
Is it just the money problem?
I am 27, live at home and am currently doing a PhD. I dont have a big wage coming in, and it really is a tight squeeze.
I contribute to the household bills. I do the food shopping and also help if Mum needs it with bills or other expenses. You just say, oh I'll do the food shopping this week... then you go and do it (yes it involves time and effort, but hey, its not much) then you pay, and take the food home. This week ive brought a hoover, roof insulation and a couple of other things. I've also hoovered the whole house and cooked a couple of days.
I think perhaps your parents maybe upset that you are "wasting" your money by buying expensive things. Yes it is your money, and you can do what you want with it, but I expect all their money goes on bills etc. They would love to be able to just splash out on things they "want".
Maybe they think you should be saving for your future, rather than spending all the money you earn. When you do come to move out - how are you going to manage if you have spent all your wages?
You have no bills to pay now - dont waste them! You could be saving towards a house, or a car, or your wedding! If I had a well paid full time job, I certainly wouldnt be spending it.
...............................
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (26 October 2010):
 You are at the age were you need to stand on your own to feet is it a religious thing that you need to live with your parents until you are married? As it better for someone of your own age to stand on your own to feet but if this is really not an option within your family then you need to start standing on your own two feet within the family home.
Start by using your wages to give them some money towards the bills and rent and dont buy yourself expensive things unless its from your own money. If your parents give you things then treat them as gifts and thank them for them and use them if they offer you money tell them no that you are earning your own money now and dont take it off them. You will then hopefully start to feel more independant.
...............................
|
