A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I have a long very term, live-with boyfriend. I have always been loyal to him.My neighbor is very close to my family and is pretty much an extension of such, he comes to visit on holidays and is welcomed into my home no questions asked... A lot of his friends come over to party with us on weekends. His friends have become our friends and such. I find myself drawn to a lot of his friends but just because they are attractive young men, they are all kind of like a bunch of apes who go around beating their chest in the others faces. They're all a pack of guys who are always trying to be the alpha. In contrast my boyfriend is the runt of the pack. Everyone loves him, including me, but you could just sense it within the group that my boyfriend is very much a follower and not much of a leader.Anyhow, there is one guy who my neighbor is friends with who just expels nothing but this macho, alpha vibe. It's clear above all the other guys. He's not tall, or loud or even that big, but he's just ridged.He reminds me of this line I read in a behavioral science book that; (and I loosely quote) 'Woman are attracted to the confidence in a man, his true alpha male. He doesn't need to pick a fight in order to know he would win it. The men around him don't try to fight him because they know it too."I've always thought his eye glimmered for me in the past and for a while I was obsessed with the way he looked at me. I crushed on him for a long while and he seemed to make plenty of open ended passes at me, I just veered out of the wayThat about two years ago and I had seen him in passing by my neighbors, and when he got back together with his girlfriend (at the time) he came to my brother's birthday. In the past he had hugged me when he saw me but instead his girlfriend gave me a hug though I have never considered her a friend. It was awkward and she watched me whenever I tried to talk to him.About 6 months ago I woke up to go to work (5:50AM) and heard my brother talking to someone who I figured was one of our other very close family friends and didn't think twice when I walked through the room to the laundry room to grab my work clothes from the dryer. I didn't have my glasses on so when I walked in I squinted and realized it wasn't who I thought it was and would have been comfortable seeing in underwear.Well it ended up being that guy who I hadn't seen in nearly a year by this point. He was taking in the sight. It must have been a sight for him because last he had saw me I was nearly 40lbs heavier. (Now I'm 60 lbs lighter)After I got fully dressed I walked back past the boys, my brother stopped me to ask me what time I would be getting out of work and the guy then started to ask me where I worked, while I was wearing the logo on my shirt, and I hadn't changed occupancy since he had last saw me. Long story short it was obvious he was just trying to talk to me now to just make it less awkward.Like I said that was six months ago but a week ago he showed up at my house to have a few drinks. It was like this flame had reignited inside of me. As we talked I could tell how much he was tuned into every word I was saying. And I just watched him speak as his eyes rolled all over me. I enjoyed it more than I should have, and continue to relive our conversations in my day dreams. He has a passionate way of talking, and in the past he has gotten me to do things I normally wouldn't do just because he gets this tone when he wants something and it brings out this carnal need to please him. Just thinking about it makes me yearn.My question is, do I feel this way because he's more manly than my boyfriend? Is this just sexual tension with him? Is this completely one sided? Why is it I feel such primal attraction for him? Is there any way to make these feeling go away quicker or ease them when I am around him.I'm frustrated because I did like him before but it was the time apart from him that made it easier to let the idea of him go, now I'm just hoping I'll open my door and he'll be there again, eying me like a piece of meat.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the advice/insight... I have kept my distance from him. If I know he's in the house I stay away. Last night was the first time I've seen him since I wrote this. He's been over multiple times since then, but when I saw him I kept things short and sweet and I think he noticed, but I think it's for the best but I'm still thinking about him like crazy but it will subside in a few days to a week like it always does. Thanks again!
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (30 December 2012):
 I don't buy into this whole alpha male bullshit.
you are attracted to him because it's not human nature to be monogamous.... it's a societal thing.
thankfully we are higher mammals and we can make choices based on common sense not phermones.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2012): Believe me, you quiet guy will be a real man when it's needed, and when he has to stand up for you and himself. I 've seen those Alpha guys who posses other qualities also that come alone with their confident personalities, that are not very comfortable to live with. But you are young, you cN experiment with guys like thAt, sure, but nohing good comes out of it.
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A
male
reader, TrancedRhythmEar  +, writes (30 December 2012):
 Ill mirror janniepegs response.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2012):
Sexual attractions don't exist to make you happy. They exist to make you pregnant with the best genes you can get.
If that means making you sexually attracted to men who would be terrible relationship partners, nature is fine with that.
If that means making you want to stay with a Beta (better father) but secretly screw an Alpha (better genes) on the side, then nature is fine with that too.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (30 December 2012):
 Your body is responding to it because it's your primal instinct to want to give the best genes to your children. When it comes to long term companion, your boyfriend is more reliable and you can share both your good times and bad times with him. With an alpha male you worry that he will be off to spread his seed to a new fertile woman. I think we are evolving beyond just survival and making babies. We know that making alpha babies do not make us happy. It's having a stable, emotionally fulfilling relationship that does. I agree you should distance yourself from this alpha male. Just look at him as a good sperm donor and nothing more. Always remember, mind and spirit over body. Don't be a slave to your body.
It could also be pheromones. It's a supersense that we have but rarely aware of. In the animal kingdom they rely on that to pick a mate.
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (30 December 2012):
 I think you just feel this way because of a grass is greener thing. What you're describing doesn't sound any different from other women who have considered leaving their current guy for another just because they thought he was interested. What you're feeling is just the butterflies from someone being interested, nothing more. Everyone enjoys a confidence boost from someone being interested, especially if the interested person is popular or hot. If you genuinely think you will be happier in the long term with him over your boyfriend, you need to break up with your boyfriend first. Otherwise you should just avoid him as much as possible. The more distance between you and him the easier it will be to get over him.
You should also probably work on your self-esteem, why would you want to be eyed like you are a thing? You are a human and deserve to be treated like one, not like a slab of flesh without feelings. You can be attractive without being dehumanized.
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