A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I recently discovered that the relationship I’ve been in for the last six months is not at all what I believed it to be. The man I have been seeing is married to a woman who lives in Europe, but he lives here stateside. This man lied to me and yet I still haven’t walked away. He’s a very well known religious leader and in short lives two very conflicting and different lives. When he’s with me we are openly passionate, freaky (into wild sex) and care free. When he’s preaching (and yes, I’ve seen him preach his sermons) he’s reserved and very compassionate.Last month I had an abortion at his urging because we got a little carried away a few months back and although I wanted the baby it would have made things to complex. I am married too but I’ve been separated from my husband for over three years and have started the process to resolve my marriage.I hate that I am allowing myself to be in this messy situation. He realizes that if anyone ever found out about us he would be ruined. We are very careful about where we are seen together because he says he has enemies that want to destroy him. Part of me wants to protect him and yet part of me wants this whole lie to be exposed so the chips can fall where they may. He says he loves me and I don’t know if I believe it or not. I have not answered my telephone for three days because I’m trying to walk away, but even now as I write this I want to call him and tell him how much I miss him. I don’t want this messy relationship to define my moral character but I’m certain that I will surely be banished to hell if I don’t walk away. Why am I so weak when I know I should be much stronger? Should I continue to keep our secrets?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2009): you originally said "Last month I had an abortion at his urging........ ." now you say 'no one forced me to abort"
"The bad preacher was in tears because he couldn't help this terminally ill kid" perhaps your preacher should save his real tears for his family and do something to make right his wrongs. i note that doesn't give a damn of his personal shit, his affair and all his other wrongdoing. my darling he is an actor, and his act is to be portrayed as compassionate and good. sad he doesn't display these emotions for his own wife and kids. at least then his compassion will be consistent.
you are still providing emotional relief for him and will soon be back as his mistress if you don't sever all ties with him. but anyway you will continue doing as you please and all wise counsel fall on your deaf ears.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2009): If you really want to end this relationship you shouldn;t be having these phone conversations with him - you are providing a shoulder for him - fulfilling a need for him STILL - he's still pulling your heartstrings too! you have to realise that the relationship can't be like that - there is too much water under your bridge - cut ties completely if you want the chance to grow/recover.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 May 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionNo one forced me to abort. We both realized in looking back that having a child would have further complicated things and would have made my effort to sever ties impossible.
We've been apart for over two weeks and today he called to share a story of a sick child with cancer; he's ministering this child and his family. The bad preacher was in tears because he couldn't help this terminally ill kid. I'm sorry I can't hate him I see him help so many and he ask for nothing in return. He absolutely has a good heart.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 May 2009): we don't expect him to be near perfect or even perfect. how about just decent. he did not just have an affair. he impregnated you and forced you to get rid of the baby (yes, he forced you to have that abortion)so that his secret remained just that, a secret. why can you not even acknowledge that he has done wrong. i think then you will have won your "battle" over him. right now you still see him through rose tinted glasses which is still very unhealthy.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionStar thank you for your words of encouragement. It has been a difficult road and I am very limited on who and where I can confide in.
As for the poster that stated the "preacher" has in some way hoodwinked his followers, you are wrong! He doesn't preach that he is perfect. He has tens of thousands who turn to him for hope. He provides them with hope. He supports two African orphanages. He has taken money out of his own pocket to donate to strangers on numerous ocassions, but he has had an affair.
I don't doubt that people feel passionate that a man of the cloth is somehow supposed to be nearly perfect but he's just like you. He's been selfish and put his wants before the needs of his family. I have been guilty of the same.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2009): total disbelief........your married man pastor lover is hoodwinking hundreds, if not thousands of people, and we are expected to accpet that he is a good man.....and you are angry at us for not being sucked into this falseness....and you actually judge us?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2009): you are doing fine - you don't need therapy - you have given him and shown strength to do that.
Star.x.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHonestly, I get that I came here and posted about my affair. My concern is I didn't realize there were so many perfect people reading the thread who want to crucify the "preacher" and me along with him.
I use to judge everyone and everything until I realized there are situations one might find themselves in that they could have never imagined previously.
I am in therapy, because I realize I am a work in progress.
I will always love the "preacher" because I know his heart and despite his imperfections he is a good man. His wife doesn't know about any of this and if anyone ever asked me I'd tell them he loves his family without a doubt. He just fell short and fell for me.
For those of you who attend regular church service on Sunday; remember just because he's a man of the cloth doesn't change the fact he's a MAN.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2009): i could not agree more - so who will it be, his wife....or his mistress(who is married, who wants to run away with the man of the cloth)..........or the church (which he doesn't want because he can't be himself)But i am sure he has no problems helping himself to the church coffers. he is actually spoit for choice.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2009): This guy doesn't know what he wants - that's his whole problem - you both need counselling.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 May 2009): so you see no wrong that he has done.
if he wants out of the church, and his obligations to the church, then he should just leave. wouldn't you agree.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 May 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionUmm, if you think he should be turned into the church police . . . Go ahead turn him in. I certainly never would. That would be vendictive and mean and I just don't have a desire to ruin his life. What joy would come from ruining his livelyhood? How would he support his wife you voiced a concern for previously. I want him to find his way to his own happiness just as I'm sure he would hope for me.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2009): this man should have been reported to the council of churches ( or any similar body).
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2009): - i am very glad for you, go froward with pride. It will get easier, but will always 'smart' if you rub the wound.
you did very good to find the strength to do this. I don't think it was God doing it for you, i think you did it and therefore deserve an extra point.
it wont be much during these dark days, but every second it will get easier - think of it like a storm of emotion that has to pass.
Star.x.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI haven't talked to him and I have gained my strength and I'm moving on with my life.
I don't disagree with anything anyone has said about me. I will say that, even good people fall short sometimes.
I don't wish him any harm I hope he can find his way too.
For those of you that inquired my estranged husband lives with his girlfriend and we haven't divorced for financial reasons.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 May 2009): PLEASE POST THIS: THANKSyour story has so many contradictions.......you don't want him to leave his wife........yet now want to run away with him.THIS good man of the cloth forced you to have an abortion. he did not want evidence of his cheating. did you respect your feelings. NO"He wants out of the ministry because he feels he can't be the man he'd desires" WHAT A HYPOCRITE. For years he has been lying to all his people, the people that have trusted him, the people that have made him into this "high standing citizen". where is his morals, his moral fibre. he preaches one thing yet practices another. he wants to now run away from the ministry because he now cannot get between your legs. he is married for goodness sake. he is utterly despicable and you both have fooled so many people with your lies and deceit. he has broken so many confidences and trust.can you not open your eyes and see the irresponsible man that he is. he is a leader of a congregation. a hypocrite. i can call him other more appropriate names but right now i will leave it as just a hypocrite. he is lusting after you, he is running after the sex that you freely provided. he has abused his position of power and has manipulated his congregation. this man is leading a double life, a life that is condemned. this situation is bigger than just you and him. it involves so many other people as well. his wife, your husband. you both are adulterers. you both are robbing and stealing from the people of the church. how low can you stoop. you have made your affair the focal point of his life and now he despises his position as a pastor of the church. well, the church will be better off without this low, spineless man. the church and the people will be better off without the hypocrite that he is. he doesn't want the church- guess what the congregation can and will do with out him. he has shamed himself and the people he has lead. does this pastor have honour. can he even spell the word. remember his word should be his honour. "he can't be the man he desires" meaning he can't openly be the adulterer, the fake pastor, the immoral and a moral pastor. what does he desire - just the flesh, the carnal needs being met by another married woman. he is blaming the church - this man should be reported to the council of churches. if he doesn't want to be and maintain the man of the cloth status then by all means he must leave. no one is forcing him to remain a pastor. he is actually not a good example to lead by. he has lied to his people with you by his side. what a fake!so you both want to run away..........please go ahead. the church does not neeed the likes of him anyway. he is not doing anyone any favours by pretending to be an upright citizen. you, with all your contradictions, can have your married man. this married man will f*ck up again, this time the church and its people will know the true "man" that he is. his true colours will be revealed. it's just a matter of time. the end is nearing for him, he has fooled all the people for just too long. he will be held accountable for his actions. he cannot blame the church for his shortcomings as a man.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 May 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIt's been 26 hours since I ended things with him. He's called my cell 19 times and sent a barrage of emails. I just listened to 3 of the many voicemail messages.
He's hurting and I want to call him so badly. I want to hop on the first flight out and tell him that somehow we can clean this mess up.
He wants out of the ministry because he feels he can't be the man he'd desires. I want so desprately to run away with him as we've fantasized doing so many times. Nothing was prepared me for any of what I'm feeling right now
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2009): well thats good thing for you - have a gold star for doing the right thing. I am sure it will hurt a lot, but it will get better.
my thoughts on how to get over someone are here:
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/how-do-i-move-on-after-breaking-up.html
Good luck!
Hug, Star.x.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2009): well perhaps its time to start working on your own marriage or is this over as well.
would you EVER tell your hb about your affair(s)
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWhy would you insinuate that I'm a prostitute? Sex is not a major part of our relationship.I've never needed or wanted his money.I ended things with him yesterday but I get the impression he thinks I will out him to the church community. I assured him I won't say anything
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2009): yes, pry that you do not latch onto another married man , just for sex. you seem to indicate that all your sexual encounters are just that. you don't want anything else from these men. perhaps its time you started charding for your services. i am sure your good pastor will be first in line to pay for the services with the church funding. good, decent pastir that he is. doing so much for humanity and helping himself to someone's pie in the process.
i wonder what he will be preaching this sunday??
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2009): An affair like no other - there is no such thing - they are all the same, and all the same 'crap' is involved. Read the other posts on here about them and you will see the patterns.
There is also no such thing as having your cake and eating it too....and sooner or later you and your "good" cheating man will find this out the hard way. This affair will end in pain - whether it's his, yours, his family's, ALL of you - who knows?
I have no sympathy for you if you continue to act selfishly and keep having your needs met - if you know this isn;t right- don't do it anymore, simple.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2009): why waste energy praying? why not go do? stop thinking and do what is right by you. dont make excuses this is more than unfair. I don't care how you feel (guilty etc)its the others that you need to sort out.
you were given enough strength at birth - its called choice. If you want to be an ostrich - in the meantime you are both lying whilst you waste that precious of things - time. Go do.
Star.x.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionStar, you are absolutely right. There's nothing I can disagree with. I was certainly not raised to be the worthless piece of trash I'm behaving as. I feel lower than any trash on a city sidewalk. Yet, I haven't done a thing to change the direction I'm headed in.
I worry everyday someone may find out and the huge ramifications that would surely be of consequence for both of us. I know what losing his ministry would do to his heart and I know his family is an even greater concern.
I'm going to pray for the strength to change.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2009): think you have said it yourself you have to stop as its classed as Evil.
otherwise you are worthless, in terms of your own respect and may as well be on heroin.
i think the only other way is for him to divorce and you too. Think of your partners - is this how you show love to them? is this how you teach respect?
how does this end - with them in pain so that you can shag. great. not what you want - do the right and decent thing, be honerable.
how does this end otherwise?
Star.x.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI am aware that many people probably think I am some type of habitual home wrecker. I don't see it quite that way, I would never ask anyone to end a relationship to be with me.
I love this man and because I love him I realize his ministry and his family are an important part of his happiness.
This sounds crazy, but he really is a good man. He lives a very modest existence (although he could live very lavishly) he helps strangers everywhere he goes. He supports an orphanage in Africa. He has helped me keep faith when I was tempted to give up.
I can't hurt him. My first instinct is to protect him.
We have sex but our relationship is mostly a supportive kindred connection.
I doubt anyone "normal" could grasp the depth of my inner conflict. I am very torn about the path I am on.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2009): let me understand your predicament.
you were having an affair with your husband, he left his wife for you. now you are having another affair with a married man but don't want this god fearing christian uopstanding citizen to leave his faithful wife. and you are still married to your hb, right.
wow. so what is the problem. when you leave this married man you will just be moving on to another married man, you have established a trend in your life and you like married men. will you change, NO.do you want to change,NO.
THIS man is not only lying to you, to his congregation, his wife and others that believe in him but he is also lying to GOD. let God deal with him for his falseness, for his lies for his dishoneslty. believe me the day will come when your married man of the cloth will pay for his wrongdoing. you , i actually don't know what to say to you.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 May 2009): Look...the reality is that this IS going to come out. It always does.
The fact that he is a person who is a charming, well respected authority figure with considerable power...hello of course you love being with him! It makes you feel special and loved. But the reality is that is how CULTS gain members. I'm not saying he is a cult leader I am simply making the comparison. David Koresh, Charles Manson...people with power and charm convincing their followers to do what they want. Hmmmmm!
Bottom line though, it's better that when it does come out in public that it is over. Then you can say "yes it was a mistake but I came to my senses". And then sell your story to the tabloids.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 May 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOh great questions no I don't want him to leave his wife. Lord knows I met my husband when he was married to another woman. I know that sounds worse than what it really was, but I did realize that you don't want another woman's problems and the grass always seems greenier on the other side. Not always the case and I doubt this instance would be any different. I simply love being with him and I cherish every minute we spend together. Our relationship is not so much about sex (that's the added extra) but more friendship. I can tell him anything and I know he finds safety in knowing I pass no judgment on him as a religious figure. He is conflicted in his struggle between good and evil (unfortunately what we share is classified as evil).
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 May 2009): um well in reality its also your head that decides - the heart doesn't think....
what do you see as the futures here? he gives up on his wife? he marries you? would you trust him?
what are your options....?
Star.x.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 May 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you Star! I know in my head you are 100% correct but my heart never allows my feet to move me in the other direction.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 May 2009): if he is a leader he should be setting standards and includes how he behaves in relationships. Not much of a leader if he cant do that with someone he says he loves - i am sure he must of said that to the woman in Europe too.
i think its easy to believe than not believe, blindly ignoring common sense. so you go along with it, giving yourself faith in a relationship which seems to have one of its pure tenements rocked....
Don't be a sinner here - you have to keep your faith and believe in you. He is temptation to walk into hell.
- ok have written the above in religous tone for a change. in reality - he is not that into you -despite saying he loved you, he didnt tell you about her.
So i would say goodbye and find someone who doesn't lie, cheat, ignore, do the opposite of what they preach....etc. ( i am saying this but that could be what he preaches...)
Star.x.
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