A
male
age
41-50,
*olordrops
writes:I'm in a relationship with a beautiful woman who I'm planning to marry, and everything is going well for the most part, except something happened recently that really made me feel uncomfortable. We both live in China, but I came back to the US to visit my family, and during that time she decided to go on a snowboarding trip. She met some guys who had a car and drove her to the slopes for three nights and rode back with them. When I indicated the slightest bit of concern over the situation, she got very upset and claimed that I didn't trust her. I was afraid to push things any further on the phone because she was staying with these guys I didn't want her angry at me in that situation. My last relationship ended because my GF had an affair when I traveled abroad, and my current GF knows this. Also, she's not comfortable when I hang out with other women, so I just don't socially interact with women at her behest. I'm sick to my stomach with worry and also bothered by the hypocritical nature of what she's doing, but I can't bring it up because she gets extremely angry. Am I being wrong in showing my concern?
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female
reader, jc82  +, writes (1 March 2010):
 You're not wrong to show concern, but maybe you didn't do it in the best way. Being direct and open about your concerns with someone who may feel a bit guilty, or someone who has something to hide, almost never works. They get instantly defensive, as your girlfriend did, and try to flip the situation. Tell her you aren't accusing her of anything, but that the situation makes you uncomfortable and her unwillingness to reassure you makes you upset/worried. You don't know who these guys are, and going off with strangers for three days is very odd behavior. Tell her you don't like it and that you are going to have to talk about it when you get back. How much longer are you away? I would freeze her out a bit until you see her again, don't call as often, make her come after you (see if she will). If she is going to cheat, there isn't much you can do. But, you can perhaps preserve yourself a bit, brace yourself, put some distance in case the worst has happened. No matter what it will show her that you are seriousm and your feelings matter to you, even though they don't seem to matter to her. Good luck...
A
female
reader, Moo's Mum  +, writes (1 March 2010):
 Given your history I think you have every reason to feel the way you do and I think she's being a wee bit unfair by getting angry over your concern. If I were in your shoes I'd be feeling sick to the stomach too. Having said that however I think trying to sort it out over the phone is too hard so I think you should wait until you get back to China and then have a chat and tell her calmly how her behaviour made you feel. I'm sure she's not silly enough to have done anything wrong though. But you are entitled to an apology and you should (in the quietest calmest way you know how) demand one. Best of luck dude let us all know how you get on.
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