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female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes: I have been going out with my BF for just over 2 years. Practically every day after work he goes to the pub soemtimes for a couple and sometimes alot more. I seem to be waiting for him to come out of the pub all the time. He says he's coming over then changes his mind - i think becuase he has drank too much and can't drive legally. He says he's not doing anything wrong but I feel really neglected. I started to go out myself rather than be let down and sad at home alone. i ahve a male friend who is 20 years older than me that i sometimes go and see and play music with. My BF accuses me of having sex with him (in a very graphic way). I have another male friend who I have know for five years who i go walking with once every few weeks for an afternoon. My BF says i should not go round other men's houses. As they are just friends I think that this should not be a problem but he's always making out that i sleep around. I have a feamle friend who's boyfreind has an ego larger than this planet that my BF hates but i like my friend so I make best of his demand to be centre of attention and we have good fun together.My BF is always accusing me of having slept with him as well.When he comes in from the pub I am usually feeling realy cheesed off and when I tell him I am fed up with waiting for him all the time - he just starts on about my male friends and says i am sleeping with them and stuff. He gets really animated and verbally aggressive and makes me feel really upset. He then usually says "i'm not putting up with this S**t then leaves. I think its a double standard - he can go out and break arrangemnets with me but if i don't text him back within minutes (when he bothers to test me) he gets really annoyed. Am I wrong to be upset about his daily drinking? Should I not have male friends?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2010): NO you shouldn't want to spend all your time with a boyfriend or husband - completely unhealthy! You must have individual interests and friends, especially those who you formed long-term friendships with before you met your current partner.
And NO you shouldn't cut back on seeing any friends, regardless of gender, that is irrelevant. If a future partner is not emotionally or secure enough in themselves or in their relationship with you, that YOU have to spend every waking moment with them, just to prove you are not involved with someone else, then YOU need to look at the problems the boyfriend has before committing long-term.
If HE thinks, man/woman, then SEX must be involved, that is clearly a person who is limited in their way of thinking, and therefore will LIMIT you with whom you may have as friends. Or perhaps so damaged emotionally that he can't accept you have friends of the opposite sex ( WAY BEFORE he came on the scene) then he has problems and will only get worse as the time goes on.
It is NOT natural for a boyfriend to be upset at close relationships of YOUR long-term friends, by stating that, it only supports and indicates that these MEN have problems, drinking, insecure, problematic full-stop. As above, for the the young lady,who so rightly cancelled her wedding over.
Well done to her, so pleased she is now happy..
Jilly
A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2010): NO you shouldn't want to spend all your time with a boyfriend or husband - completely unhealthy! You must have individual interests and friends, especially those who you formed long-term friendships with before you met your current partner.
And NO you shouldn't cut back on seeing any friends, regardless of gender, that is irrelevant. If a future partner is not emotionally or secure enough in themselves or in their relationship with you, that YOU have to spend every waking moment with them, just to prove you are not involved with someone else, then YOU need to look at the problems the boyfriend has before committing long-term.
If HE thinks, man/woman, then must be sex involved, that is clearly a person who is limited in their way of thinking, and therefore will LIMIT you with whom you may have as friends. Or perhaps so damaged emotionally that he can't accept you have friends of the opposite sex ( WAY BEFORE he came on the scene) then he has problems and will only get worse as the time goes on.
It is NOT natural for a boyfriend to be upset at close relationships of YOUR long-term friends, by stating that, it only supports and indicates that these MEN have problems, drinking, insecure, problematic full-stop. As above, for the the young lady,who so rightly cancelled her wedding over.
Well done to her, so pleased she is now happy..
Jilly
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 September 2010): I had to reply to this because up until the start of this year i was in a very similar situation. I was engaged to a man and had planned the wedding. He drank every day - sometimes little amounts sometimes a lot...but still he drank. He kept promising to stop but never did. He never accused me of sleeping with anyone else but he was very jealous of my female friends - i was never allowed out with them.
Anyway in the end i had enough of the tears and upset. In january this year i had enough and walked - cancelled the wedding and sold the house. Its the best thing i've ever done - i'm happy now - no upset anymore.
I must say tho - any man will prob be upset of close relationships you have with other men - its only natural. So maybe in future involve your boyfriend with them or just cut back on seeing them as much. I know that sounds bad but you should want to spend all your time with your boyfriend...not other men.
Good Luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 September 2010): I'm going to ask, WHY are you with this man? People do not change, and this man ( your boyfriend ) has and always will be a drinker..someone who depends on their social life, being down the pub, regardless of whether it is two or several drinks. That is what he knows obviously, and has suited him.
At the age of 41-50 he is well and truly set in his ways, otherwise he would have changed by now. And you will not be able to change him.
If you want a different type of relationship, I feel you will have to consider changing your boyfriend. I have seen this type of man many times with my work, and the women do NOT change them. As for him accusing you of sleeping with other men, this is his way of taking the HEAT of the real issue, his drinking, and not being able to come home to you and share the day without alcohol propping him up.
Anyone who needs to drink on a daily basis, and can't come home from work without, leaving aside that your relationship is suffering, will have health problems if they don't restrict the amount of units per week.
Absolutely nothing wrong with having male platonic friends at all. It shows your not limited by thinking because you have a friend of the opposite sex, it must mean you're having sex - NOW THAT is a LIMITED thought process! Gender should have nothing to do with it, if the person is good, kind, fun, and you've been friends for years, then please don't let this man's warped way of thinking due to his own insecurities, change your life any more than it already has.
I hope you consider ending this relationship at somepoint, as I'm POSITIVE you won't change him, but it will change you, you will become more and more depressed by it, and his continuing drinking. And we both know this amount of drink leads to smelling of alcohol a lot of the time, sleeping it off for hours, not being to do normal things together.
But ONLY YOU can decide if enough is enough....I wish you better times ahead, and please do think about YOU, and what you want from a relationship, you deserve to be with someone who treats you well.
Good luck!
Jilly
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A
female
reader, DenimandLace  +, writes (3 September 2010):
 This relationship is in serious trouble. Neither one of you have any respect for the other. You dont have that feeling on the other being number one.
Yes he should spend more time with you. If he really loves you he would want to I think.
And I am a firm believer in having friends of the opposite gender, however spending much time alone with them, when you know it bothers him, is not respecting him.
You both seem to want the other to change, but trust and respect are missing.
I think it is time for you to take a break and see what you both really want. It seems you are just in a habit of being with him? Denim
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