A
male
age
,
anonymous
writes:Years ago and 1 or 2 years after we started dating there was a situation where I have never been able to believe that my girlfriend told me the truth. She was at a last day before Christmas work party at a tavern where there was always action and I have always believed that she allowed herself to get picked up and taken to bed with someone. She insists that was not the case. Here are the reasons that I believe it.She had told me that she picked up guys at bars or parties a few times in the past and gone to bed with them before we started dating.She had told me that if she ever went to bed with a guy that she would lie to me because she knew it would hurt me. Otherwise, I think that she has always been truthful with me.She told me not to stop over at the bar that night because she might be kissing somebody and I would feel hurt. That did happen at those last day before Christmas parties. It also happened at the place where I worked. No passionate kisses, just short kisses. That was not a big deal for either one of us. We both liked the attention.I called her the next morning (Saturday) at about 8 or 9 in the morning and asked her if I could come up to see her. She sounded a bit panicked and told me not to come up. We were dating 3 or 4 nights a week by then. I thought that she had someone in bed with her and didn’t go to see her because I didn’t want to cause a problem. We lived about 10 minutes apart.She has never given me a reason since to think that she has cheated on me.We have only talked about this a few times over the years and she still insists that she didn’t do anything that night.Do I have valid reasons to feel that she has always lied to me about it? We don’t fight over this, but she doesn’t understand why I can’t believe her. I actually don’t care any more if she did it, but the thought that she might be continuing to lie about it still hurts me.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 July 2008): "She certainly has no monopoly on saying stupid things. I can compete with her on that".... Mr Anonymous
"She had and has a lot of good qualities that made me want to stay with her".... Mr Anonymous
"I really don't care if she cheated any longer, but I would care if she actually lied to me and kept lying"..... Mr Anonymous
"I also have no desire for her to confess if it is not true".... Mr Anonymous
Exactly Dear Sir,
After all this time, if she told you she lied, would you believe that instead or would you think about what I said about her lying, about lying to shut you up.... Unless your wife has been known to tell lies over other things, both little and small, or you have a witness or physical evidence, then you have no reason to complain. She's not here so I can't ask her myself, but on the basis of little things you remember from 15years ago (when you can't even remember the exact date when this was supposed to have happened) I won't tell you that your wrong to feel like this, but I would say your making yourself paranoid over something that happened so long ago.
I don't know why your doing this, just trying to get my head around it is giving me a headache. Time for a truth check sir..... Your an old fool (in my opinion) put this stuff aside, stop torturing yourself and your poor confused little wife, grow up, and go back to loving her and showing her why your glad to be married.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 June 2008): This is the person who asked the question. We have been married for over 15 years. I'm not so much bothered by this anymore as I am about the way that I have always felt about it. I really don't care if she cheated any longer, but I would care if she actually lied to me and kept lying. It took me many years before I could actually trust her again, but I have been trusting of her for most of the time that we have been married. I don't think that she even ever thought of cheating since we got married.
It appears that some of the posters didn't notice that she was my wife now. I did consider leaving her back then, but she had and has a lot of good qualities that made me want to stay with her. I do agree that telling me that she would lie was a bad thing to say to me. She did sometimes say things like that that just came out without her thinking about what she was saying. I imagine that I did that at times too. She certainly has no monopoly on saying stupid things. I can compete with her on that.
I have not considered leaving her since we have been married. I only considered that during the first 2 or 3 years that we dated. I also have no desire for her to confess if it is not true. I just want to know the truth and to know if I am wrong in thinking that she lied. It's the thought of lying that has bothered me at times when I think of it. It is the thought that she is still lying about it after all these years. I have never lied to her.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 June 2008): Yes Chiraven, I would like to know too. How long ago did this thing happen, how long have you and her been together. I'd be really glad if you would update.
You've always thought she lied to you, but still you went back to her. Why did you do that? What if she's been telling the truth all these years, what if your hurting her with this distrust. What would it take to put your mind at ease, what could she do to make you believe her. Be very carefull with this, you say you just want her to admitt she lied. She might just do that one day, just to keep you quiet and stop you going on about this thing, whether she cheated or not.
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A
male
reader, ChiRaven +, writes (30 June 2008):
 You've lived with this for how many years now?
Bury it. Let it go. She's been faithful to you since then, and do you really want to mess up a really good thing that you've invested a lot of time in over something that may or may not have happened years ago?
Yes, you have reasons to think she may have lied to you. But if you can't live with that you probably should have said so a long time ago. The time to end it was in the first year after you suspected she cheated on you, not a whole bunch of years later.
Now is the time for love and forgiveness. You'll obviously never forget. But to the extent that there is something to forgive, I urge you to forgive this woman who has obviously been a good partner to you for a lot of years.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 June 2008): I have come out of a going on 5 year relationship with a woman like that. It hurts but nothing ever changed. You have no trust and frankly you have every reason not to trust. I cannot see you in a happy life well you are with her.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 June 2008): I think this woman is bad for you. I have just come out of your situation. I may be in a negative frame of mind but i hope you meet someone else because your life will never be at peace if you stay with her.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 June 2008): She's told you that she would lie to you in that situation, and it seems like her habit to have done it that night?
Draw your own conclustion. It might really not have happened, but I wouldn't bet very much good money against it.
There's nothing weird about you still thinking about this. Most normal guys do still have hurt feelings about their woman's past sexual lfe before them. Even decades later. This hurt is just a gift that keeps on giving.
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