A
male
age
51-59,
*ike7
writes:I really need some help figuring out what to do in my current situation. I have been with my girlfriend for a year now. When we first met I didn't tell her about an older daughter that I have because she hasn't been in my life for a very long time. She is still married and been separated for 4 years and says she can't get a divorce because of financial reasons. Which I believe is a complete lie. However when she asked me about her I told her the truth about her. Now about a month ago she told me she had to go away for work for the weekend. I had a bad feeling in my stomach when she was telling me that she was going. I kept questioning her because I knew she wasn't working. She could never answer her phone or send snap chats and she is a snap chat queen. I finally figured out that she went on a family trip with her husband and kids that are 25 and 22. She says she went for her kids but I can't get past the lies. I have no clue what happened and even though she says nothing how can I believe her. This isn't the first thing I caught her doing with him. I know I need to get out and find happiness but I do love her. I would think if she loved me like she says she would divorce him immediately and stop living in the past. Am I wrong for insisting that she get a divorce? She says she will but isn't going to be told what to do.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (6 September 2015):
 What does it matter if you are "wrong" or "right" for insisting on her moving forward with a divorce? Even if every aunt on this site says you are right to insist she gets a divorce, doesn't mean she's going to do that or be influenced in any way by a pack of online agony aunts.
In your shoes, I'd probably tell her "I'd love to get serious with you and I see a future. Until you get a divorce, alas, that's not going to happen. So for the time being, I'm going to put myself back on the market. When you are officially single, I would love to hear from you.
"So sadly, for now, this is goodbye. I hope it's just a short separation, and that you sort things out."
And in the future, when you start dating other women, don't do the lying by omission thing by not mentioning your daughter.
(If that bothers you, have you tried to reconnect with your daughter?)
One other thought, an aunt on here used to recommend that you do background checks on potential love interests. It might be a great idea to do that.
Someone I know would have benefitted by doing that as that person's love interest turns out to have a horrible temper and a drinking problem winding up in multiple arrests. Including assaulting a police officer. Also credit card issues and other financial disasters.
It sounds like it's time to think about what you expect from a longterm relationship. You're in your 40s and it's only been one year with this woman. Long enough to know if she's really a keeper, no?
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (5 September 2015):
 I think she is quite content to have her life the way it is now - happy with status quo.
Her kids are grown, but her "husband" and her will do family stuff together AS a family even though they don't live as husband and wife.
You can "insist" all you want on a divorce, but it's not going to change anything. SHE has a very civil relationship with her "husband" (I have put "husband" in "" because no matter how long they have been separated he is still LEGALLY her husband.)
She isn't going to divorce him because you WANT her to. Nor is she going to see him for "family" outings.
So, this is a case of, put up or shut up.
Either you stay with her and "put up with it... Or you shut up and walk away.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (5 September 2015):
 You write: " I know I need to get out and find happiness but I do love her."
Then, you need to make up your mind. You can't claim to love her..... AND also have happiness. Me? I'd vote for happiness and drop her.....
Good luck....
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A
female
reader, Ivyblue  +, writes (5 September 2015):
 Not being divorced is one thing but going to such length to lie about her whereabouts is something to be of more concern. What an utter and total load of baloney!!! If its not the first thing and her being caught out is just a pattern in her inability or willingness to be upfront and honest about things with you. The divorce may dissolve the marriage but it won't dissolve her feelings if thats what is keeping her from moving forward. Sorry mike7 but I think its time to get out while you can and leave her to the life she still hangs onto.
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A
female
reader, like I see it +, writes (5 September 2015):
 No, you are NOT wrong to insist on a divorce. Stick to your guns on that!
But in all honesty I doubt that your girlfriend will follow through on one. She is currently enjoying her cake and eating it too - you might say she has the best of both worlds. Family life with her husband and the respect of her grown children, who probably have no clue she's also seeing someone other than their father, as well as the fun and novelty of being with someone other than the same guy she's been with for at least 25 years (this is where you come in).
The problem with her perfect setup is that she has all HER needs met while hurting at least one person in the process (you). You say that you've brought up your desire that she divorce him, so she is totally aware that the current situation is causing you unhappiness and yet totally willing to let that continue for whatever her reasons may be. Someone who genuinely loves you would place more value on your feelings than hanging on her husband's half of their marital assets. Divorce itself isn't particularly expensive if it's fairly amicable and you file the paperwork on your own; it's the division of assets that causes a big hit to most people's finances. Case in point, a coworker of mine recently divorced (and we at work got the play-by-play as it happened.) The legal process itself (WITH lawyer) cost him less than $1000, but dividing assets with the ex cost him another 10K (half their joint bank account) and one of their two cars even though he'd paid for both. But he REALLY didn't want to be married to her anymore, so for him that expense was totally worth it to be able to start over. It's hard to assign dollar values to things like freedom and happiness, so when someone claims to want these things but doesn't pursue them because they'd rather have more money, it sort of calls into question the sincerity of their desire to be "free" or "happy." (For me, anyway.)
So I would suspect your girlfriend's excuse for not having pursued an official divorce is either
a) unwillingness to accept changes to her current lifestyle in the name of respecting her new relationship with you, or
b) simply a lie she thinks you will take at face value, because hearing "I don't actually WANT to divorce my husband" would send you running for the hills.
In your shoes I would thank her for the good times and tell her to give you a call when she is single.
Good luck and best wishes moving forward!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 September 2015): Maybe she signed a pre- nup and if she gets a divorce she will be screwed.Maybe she is the sole provider in that household and will have to pay alimoney she cannot afford.Maybe her ex is paying for school for the kids and if she gets a divorce they will be screwed.They are still a family even if they are not together.Maybe you are just her side guy.There are alot of maybes here you need to tell her she must tell you the truth or you are going to ask her husband for it.Maybe though you are a little demanding and it is turning her off.After reading my own answer I say maybe just find someone who has no husband and you will be better off.
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